gone

things in the past i think i kind of took for granted bc i didn’t think twice-
          
          1. someone gifting me things after taking time to actually think about what i love- like the white skirt & earmuffs.
          
          2. someone believing that i am able & capable.
          
          

cravings: desire to be understood without having to overexplain or even simply explain.

if i scroll enough i know that i’m gonna know why i hate grp works (evening walks, hangout in a restaurant, staying back after class to do projects etc)
          but as of now i’ll just not know why
          but rather with no definite backup i’m gonna say blandly;
          
          i love doing things alone,
          activities, going for walks, visiting new places, hunting cafes, 
          yapping while sitting in the middle of the road as i film myself,
          but weirdly enough i love after-parties at my college.
          i love not properly knowing anyone out there but just dancing my heart out in a place that offers familiarity, safety, and loud music.
          There are few who have had asked me about this in the past

the innocence of liking someone
          of coming home
          and writing how our day went with them
          almost like asking paper to be out witness of the exact time we get feelings for them.
          bittersweet how these never actually work out tho.
          but i’m ao happy it didn’t work out.

api passed away today.
          mommy lost her mother today 
          i watched her give a speech of how much she adored api and all the things she had done.
          may api have everything soft and gentle in the afterlife .

ent posting-
          
          i hate not loving what i am not supposed to dislike.

to ask God forgiveness for
          the things i don’t regret.

with pain in my abdomen 
          i had the warmest sunday though, with you,
          almost making me wish i be down with stomachache every other Sunday.
          :)

kind of messed up 
          the way ppl think it’s 
          actions vs words.
          aren’t they just supposed to be equals?
          and not abt what’s greater.
          i think so simply-
          i think my actions should match my words
          & my words should match my actions.
          
          -thought you think the same.
          

          there was a time i would sneakout at night just so i could count the stars, 
          give new names to constellations 
          now i have no idea where they are.
          do stars still exist?
          do trees and wind still go hand in hand
          are they still green in color?
          are there still other things that exist beyond the distance between my room and the hospital?
          
          -can you show me.