Adiki

api passed away today.
          mommy lost her mother today 
          i watched her give a speech of how much she adored api and all the things she had done.
          may api have everything soft and gentle in the afterlife .

ent posting-
          
          i hate not loving what i am not supposed to dislike.

to ask God forgiveness for
          the things i don’t regret.

with pain in my abdomen 
          i had the warmest sunday though, with you,
          almost making me wish i be down with stomachache every other Sunday.
          :)

kind of messed up 
          the way ppl think it’s 
          actions vs words.
          aren’t they just supposed to be equals?
          and not abt what’s greater.
          i think so simply-
          i think my actions should match my words
          & my words should match my actions.
          
          -thought you think the same.
          

          there was a time i would sneakout at night just so i could count the stars, 
          give new names to constellations 
          now i have no idea where they are.
          do stars still exist?
          do trees and wind still go hand in hand
          are they still green in color?
          are there still other things that exist beyond the distance between my room and the hospital?
          
          -can you show me.
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          

ka peih tawh lo.

if you look closely 
          there’s a scar some few cms below my left knee
          and if you could go back in time
          i wonder if you’d ever go back to visit me
          how far back would you go?
          do you want to see what i was like as a child
          how i got the scar.
          are you into me?
          do you think of me?
          do you think i am worth going back in time for?
          
          
          -1st aug 2025
          3:05
          i cannot sleep.
          i keep thinking of him as a child.
          oh if only i could go back, i’d
          scream from the corner of the field shouting just how proud i am of him.
          how i wish he knew how it feels like to grow up with a good support system
          wanna go back in time and watch him play ball barefoot, wanna watch the first trick he learned, how happy it made him feel, wanna gently stroke the back of his head and tell him he is going to be fine.

huaisen a va har ve.

8th july 2025
          
          gaze 
          yearning.