a

I wish for you to be my forever & always.

a month has passed
            and i swear if it weren't for you,
            i would be hurting just the same. 

months have passed. 
            you're with her, still while i hold hands of another man. 
            you smile more often, but i notice your eyes. they refuse to meet mine when you're around her, yet all they could do is stare me down when she's not about.
            I see you, for you know i don't believe in getting over someone you once loved. i have moved on from you, yet a part of me still aches from the wounds you left behind. 
            I see you; for my heart doesn't know how to give up. I may not wish to go back to you anymore, yet i cannot quite pretend you don't exist or bother my soul.
            I'm happy now, more than i was when i was with you. And yet there are moments which drive me mad, like the days you star in my unexpected nightmares.
            
            I see what you're doing, the same moments you once shared with me are now parts of her memory. I remember you adorning the hotel room with candles while i was laying under the sheets. You made me close my eyes and lay very still while you set it all up before you big, sweet confession. 
            And yet, you shared the memory of our love with another. 
            How could you? How did the memory of our kiss and stifled giggles under covers not haunt your thoughts when you followed suit with the same actions? Is it just me who feels the pain or are we both the same way.
            
            I notice you to this day. Six months have passed since we parted and yet your eyes follow me when i walk past you. Yet, you were hurt when you saw me smiling next to another man, one who wasn't you. 
            Six months have passed and you've still muted my stories and my account, wanting to limit seeing me and my moments with somebody who isn't you.
            I've heard tales, angered whispers of how i hurt you. But love, how do i tell them you broke me too?

sleeping is starting to feel like a dreadful task. 
            i fear closing my eyes,
            for the moment i do, all i can see is you. 
            she spoke of our place today, remember the one where we spent most our evenings hidden from the eyes of others? you'd sit next to me and watch me speak, hold my hand and smile ever so softly. 
            we've kissed there, maybe a million times. sometimes with gentle love while a few times were enough to drive us mad. 
            she asked of our place today, a little stairway which felt like our own safe haven. 
            one where we fought, cried and held on so dearly,
            like nothing else mattered and never really could.
            
            how do i hide these thoughts away? how do i move on from someone who i see before my eyes every single day.
            i watch your every moment like my life depends on it and yet i wish i could move my gaze away to spare me some pain when i see you smiling next to her.
            part of me knows you're not the same with her. you lack the bright smile now and don a stoic look on your face. your actions seem more careful and i see you tread with the care you lacked around me. 
            it pains me to see i hurt you in ways that made you tiptoe around love and yet, all i wished for was another chance to hold you close and tell you how i love you so

my bones grow weak and tired,
            my limbs no longer hold strong
            there's far too much we lost,
            some parts we'll never find with another.
            
            your breath against my skin,
            your lips against mine
            the touch of your fingers 
            and your hips pressed against mine.
            
            i am lost in this abyss of memories,
            ones i can't quite get rid of
            so tell me darling
            just how did you move on.

and we crashed
            just as i expected

4 months have passed since i first came across you and i still can't believe how far we've come together. 
            from bickering over text and spending sleepless nights just smiling at our phones, we've connected in person in ways i never thought was possible. 
            my mind keeps drifting back to every moment we've shared in the past two months of being in each other's presence. 
            the first time we held hands and walked those empty streets, the first time i hugged you and felt the warmth of your body against mine, the first time our lips met in that dark room and the first time your hands slipped under my shirt to feel my skin. 
            so many firsts and they've all been with you. it's crazy how you've stolen so much from me in a flicker of time. you've seen parts of me no one could ever get close to in the past. 
            
            yet somehow, i'm glad it's you. 

@4sterisa aw yes i did notice i wasn't getting any of your notifs. 
            omg i really can't wait ;-;
            tell me who you pull, please

@4sterisa i deleted my twitter :D anyway my butter cd is coming home soon!

@4sterisa hiii
            haha you can hit me up anytimee

ahhh thank you so much ;-;
            ily 

@aesthetick- this is beautiful <3

@4sterisa omg thank youuu ;-;

@infernalbiitch omg seb hey, been a while!

@aesthetick- angels and heaven and damn did i not love it? i absolutely did. 

@cybrluv i just did ten minutes ago! in the post below this one haha. but i think i will get back here just to write those again. i do miss writing.

@aesthetick- will you write more of your thoughts someday again