Read ‘em and weep

Merry Christmas. 
          
          Its been a while. It’s so close to 2026, and I am honestly terrified. I am leaving school and everything and everyone I know this coming year, hopefully, and in all I am still terrified of fucking it all up- but more so, I am scared of the concept itself. I am growing up, and I am so so so scared of dying. 
          
          It sounds childish to ‘be afraid’ of dying, `it’s inevitable!’, `we’ll all die some day, just face it’. I get it comes out of a good place, but what terrifies me is that there is nothing after. I love life in all its hellish glory, I love it- learning and hating and loving and every emotion too complex to explain- I fucking love it. The thought that just as easily as I came into consciousness I could lose it. And then I won’t be ‘I’, ‘I’ won’t *be*. I truly believe if more people understood this, they would too be scared. If they got that it would go poof. 
          
          I want faith, trust me, I wish it all the time. But faith doesn’t originate in want, or desperation- it comes to an open heart which I wont give so as to save myself from falling on a spike, piercing my heart and clothes. I won’t fucking do it. 
          
          So merry Christmas, a happy hogmanay, and a very very sad additional year to your age- one step closer to the void that at some point stops your consciousness if nothing else. 
          
          -s.N
          
          (I am sorry for being so depressive- it’s Christmas and I dislike this time of year) 

Gang gang- I’m in a bit of a gherkin rn. I told my girlfriend we can hang out THIS SUNDAY. I haven’t planned anything. I don’t have many speaking points. I’ve pretty much lost my fucking voice. Do I give her something? Idk I’ve never planned smt like this before. What do I do?????????? 
          
          Also, do I kiss her? Is that weird? Is it weird if I dont? How do I do that? Or at minimum, how do I go about that? Cause I am a teenager. I got things going on up there but I an sure will come out if I am not extremely careful. 
          
          Also my girlfriend has got the worst immune system I think I’ve ever seen, so like should I tell her my throat is really sore? Cause like it’s my only symptom other than cough bc stuff gets stuck in my throat bc it’s raw af. (I am asking bc she basically gets tonsillitis every fucking month of the year, at least once per month, and I know it can get worse if you get sick.) not to brag or anything, but my immune system is pretty strong, like I haven’t been Properly sick like throwing up for years, even though I am around a lot of people who are around children and get sick often etc. I haven’t even had a cough for probably like two years. I haven’t had this thing in about three. 
          
          But please gang, someone or something out there in the ever deepening internet please help me. 
          
          -s.N 

JUST GOT MY EXAM RESULTS! 
          
          So, I took my Exams over April & May, and Today was results day (05/08/25)! 
          
          So, these are my fabulous results 
          
          N5 Chemistry - A
          N5 Physics - A
          N5 mathematics - A
          N5 Philosophy - A
          N5 English - A
          N5 Graphic communication - A
          Lvl 5 Engineering - Pass 
          
          Ahhhhhh! I can’t believe I got straight As! And I can’t wait until the past papers are out so I can see the answers to some of the questions I hated! (Looking at you, Q4 on the multiple choice Chemistry paper!) 
          
          
          Hope all of you Scottish students out there have great results! Thanks, 
          
          -s.N !!! 

Just got a girlfriend guys- pls be proud of me. 
          
          (I’ve been genuinely attempting to flirt with her for a couple weeks and it’s not been going well- then tonight I said ‘I really want a girlfriend’ and she replied ’I’m right here’ so I said ‘then date me bitch’ ‘don’t beat around the bush’ and she said ‘sure thing’… then we worked it out privately and I asked her out properly and she said yes! Fuck me I’m so down bad already) 
          
          (Really hope she can’t find this cause that would be s-tier level embarrassment) 
          
          -s.N 

JUST STARTED MY SUMMER HOLIDAYS WHOOP WHOOP! 
          
          Finished ‘Interstellar’ in my physics class, one of the saddest films I’ve ever seen. At every turn, you lose something you’ll never get back and it turns out there’s something out there that lead you once, to lead yourself all over again. That time isn’t only ‘not linear’ but can be made into a physical dimension to lead out. How does that ever stop? What’s the smallest increment to move around? Can you move forward and back at 0.00000001 x10^-16 seconds but not 0.00000001 x10^-17 seconds? How can anything inside of infinity ever be finitive? I don’t get it- and frankly I don’t want to. I am scared of death, and the idea that I am in a vast space time continuum- extremely honestly- makes my chest drop. 
          
          Anyway- 
          
          I’ve got nearly 8 weeks to kick back and put my feet up, apply for work or volunteering etc. 
          
          -s.N
          

Happy Pride yous, have a great month :)
          
          I just want to say that since I joined in Feb 2021, I’ve done a pride book where It has 30 stories related to the LGBTQIA+ community, however, this year I am extremely busy with school and trying to fix shit that’s been messed up. Shortly, this year I am too fucking tired to make sure I update every day or to write enough so that I have 30 stories by the end of the months. I have been either writing every year on the day and publishing it, or writing in advance, but this year- as stated- I am too busy to write continuously, as well as June snuck up on me. I have three birthdays and father’s day coming up which I haven’t done shit for lmao. 
          
          Anyway, I have been around for four years now. This account has been with me for a whole fucking ride. Since I made this account I have [in no particular order]: 
          •gotten my first partner
          •broke up with my first partner
          •attempted to kill myself on two occasions 
          •started at new school 
          •taken my first exams 
          •quit sh (2 years yesterday!!!!) 
          •become far more confident 
          •got work experience 
          •decorated my room to be more in line with my own personality 
          
          …and so much fucking more. 
          

Start my new year at school tmr… freaking out abt my timetable. I’ve got two crash highers and the time we have to learn all the material is so short- I’m not entirely sure if I’ll thrive under it. I like pressure, when I’m sure of what I’m doing that is, but sometimes the pressure gets to my head because of what other people tell me about how I should feel about it to try and comfort me for emotions I don’t even have. Ykwim? Like if you were going in for knee surgery and someone says, 
          ‘I know you’re worrying from that look on your face but don’t worry about it- only 1 in 500 patients die from heart failure after knee surgery’ 
          And all you can say is- 
          ‘Thanks’ 
          But inside you’re like 
          ‘WHAT THE FUCK?! Now there’s a part of me which is terrified that I’ll walk without pain AND a part which is scared my heart will fucking collapse. I wasn’t even worrying really to begin with, I was just tired of fucking waiting for it!’ 
          Like people tell me all the time it will be hard like I don’t know that, and then people go ‘oh that’s terrible’ in a pitiful voice that only really half cares. Like I understand you can’t care about everything everyone says- but can someone actually care abt how I fucking feel for once? Everyone around is always taking each of my anxieties one at a time, but I am thinking them all at once and no one has stopped to consider it might be too much. Or even that my brain might not be too well at the amount of stress. 
          
          …

I really like the teaser songs Mother mother dropped for their new album. 
          
          There’s still nine more songs that’re coming out the day before my mother’s birthday and I can’t wait for them. I think it’s a tie between make believe & Love to death for my fav out of the three- not to say finger is bad,- finger’s just kinda one of those funny songs that are great, just not maybe your favourite; ykwim? 
          
          Anyway, yeah I’m gonna go rest for the next few days until I officially move up a year in school. That’s happening on Tuesday 27th for me hopefully, so I’ll get my timetable and see what it looks like. 
          
          For a reminder I took: 
          • H physics 
          •H chemistry 
          •H maths 
          •crash H Geography 
          •Crash H College Psychology 
          
          Excited but also nervous lmao. 
          
          A friend of mine who took Geo this year for N5 told me I am sitting next to a guy who I am pretty sure is dating my ex girlfriend… awkward… we are also complete and total opposites. I mean for one he’s American and I am scottish, he’s essentially Bald and I’ve had long hair all my life, he struggles in school and I don’t usually, I’m relatively quiet and respectful and I’m not sure he knows those words. The only thing we got the same is that we are pretty funny (bigging myself up on this one) and we are both tall around here (me for a girl and him for a guy). I’m not sure he’s passing N5 so he might not be here after August. I will because it’s a crash higher so unless I really dislike or can’t keep up with it- I certainly will be there. The others it’s all a gander. Fingers crossed that I will do well on all my subjects- especially the ones I am taking for higher. 
          
          Love yous 
          
          -s.N

I feel good,
          dunu nunu nunu nu,
          knew that I shouldn’t na
          dunu nunu nunu nu
          
          -s.N

I FINSUHED MY EXAMS