My mom everytime im going back home after "you're going home? It'll be fine if you not coming home though. No need to coming home". That is after month she don't see me or hearing abaout me. 
          
          My mom everytime i said wanna transfer back home "why are you tranfering here? You should go to sabah though" while other mom keep asking when their child could tranfer back home.
          
          Do my mom hate me? Idk. Maybe i just an unwanted in this world. My mom said if i tranfer home I'll get stress out because of my family situation. But living away from family give me anxiety and feeling helpless knowing how badly my mom was treated. Sakit jatuh mak semua bangun sendiri.
          
          Everytime things like this happen or this convo ever being talked i feel like i just want to end my life. I feel like helpless, unwanted and worthless. Like me being there is just another beban.
          
          There many time i feel to end this. There's many time where i feel so kosong mcm mayat hidup living in this world. I can't even cry out loud. Nobody even know i crying to sleep
          
          Never being asked one time in my life are you okay? Healthy? What going on? Being called to know if im breathing or because I'm her child. Just owh your coming back? Why? 
          
          Unwanted by people. Unwanted by family. Unwanted by mom. But still wanted by fate. Oh fate, the chapter is too long that i wish it'll cut short. 
          
          I'm standing here because i have agama. If I'm not I'm long gone. Sometimes wishing got hit by car so i won't be killing myself. Die because hit by car. Die because terjatuh tangga. Jatuh tu terus blank. Die. Bye world. 

Whenu need someone to reach but u cant

Thing that I don't wanna hear in this moment is you're the only hope that they have because I've forced myself to smile all this time while barely standing in my  two  feet chanting i can do this so that people will not say that "you the hope so u must superhumanly go through what being put onto you. Believe me i know that but i don't to admit that is the only reason of my existence. Sometimes i wanna cry too. I wanna sigh too at my fate. I wanna be treat like some doll that need to be care carefully because me too have weaknesses and have the need to lean on someone. I'm also wanna hear people asking "are u okay?" Hating the fact they don't do that because they assuming that I'm strong and don't need some comfort.  I am a person like others too. I also have tears. I'm hurting but I cannot show to people because if i do people feel that I'm overreact. Why other can but I can't

When people said
          
          " hey you're so lazy. You sleeping too much!! "
          " Hey you being too overthinking "
          
          I rather sleep than crying to myself and expalining thing to people. People just gonna judge me. Life is cruel when you see how people treat others. Life is frightening when you heard what can be utter from a person. Even people who you think are nice is frightening.
          
          

Hi there,
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          Have a nice day
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I'm tired to fit in. I feel so awkward around people. I'm not good with small talk. People tend to feel awkward and uncomfortable when they with me. I just smile but people it difficult blend with just as much as it hard for me. 
          
          I don't like new environment because new environment means new people. New people lead to the needing to build connection. Connection doesn't match with my brain cells. 
          
          Even when people i close make me feel awkward sometimes. Even if the person is my family. So, do you get how suck I'm with people.
          
          I also shy with children. A baby stares can make me feel connered. I'm suck. My life is suck. I don't want to take a step out of my room. 
          
          I'm terribly sorry to people who feeled unwelcome by me. Believe me i like you but i just feel shy. I should be friend with animals. They understand and respond to me better.

Marriage is terrifying. Once you picked wrong person to marry. You life is the end. You have to swallow all the bitterness. I don't know what happiness is in a marriage. All i saw was hurting, mistrust, being treat like a useless, have to swallow harsh words directed to you and unfaithful which will make you insecure your whole life. What happen will change you completely and effect people around you especially your child. I don't want that kind of life. I rather be alone. 

He don't really understand what they are talking about but he just laughed. Laugh very hard. He seemed very happy like he not affected. But the truth is he is scattered inside. These past weeks he been mourned for his passing grandmother. The one who always there for him up and down.
          
           Suddenly he feel his hand being pulled. He see her. He pulled his hand so strong that make her body smashed the wall. Her face frown. She eyes him angrily and again pulled him toward his room and locked it.
          
          " Are you crazy? He fume angrily. But what she do after that shocked him. She hugged him and cares his back.
          
          "You can cry you know. I'll be here for you. I forgive your presence for this time." She said softly 
          
          "Let me go." He said coldly
          
          "You can still hate me though. I also will hate you. But you know. I hate the look in your eyes. I hate when there is no more spark when i throw you curses. It not fun. So cry. Give back the hate sparks. It mine." He don't know what to feel when he hears that. 
          
          "If you think being nice to me going to make me love you then you wrong. I hate you". Then he feel a very fierce smack in his back.
          
          "You think yourself so highly. Cry. Even though we are enemy still cry. Pour your heart out. Don't act tough. Grandma be sad seeing you like this." She feel his body trembled. Soon her crook feel wet. 
          
          "I just do you only this favor" she said silently.
          

          I forced stop myself from the fluttering. Since I know it won't take me anywhere. It'll just hurt me. Shattered me. But damn. This heart just don't listen. This eyes keep searching for you wherever I'm.
          
          Remember the vows? The one the fill with sweet and touching words and promises. I wonder who wrote those. I don't feel the warm and comforting like what the vows are. Since i keep searching your heart that never been reach. I keep searching in this vast desert. Being blown by storm many times that i lost count. Losing myself in the middle of it.
          
          There you're. Again with her holding your hand. Again with her no matter where you are. Your smile seem so different when you with her. You look so free when you with her. You're happy. 
          
          There's a saying if you love someone you'll be happy when they happy even it's not with you. How??? Stop lying. You will  never be happy. It just you covering your hurt pretending you are happy. It just you not validate your own feeling. The saying is just a bs

I'm sad. The fact that i know i need to change. I tried but it so hard. I wanna cry but i shouldn't. My chest feel overwhelmed with the hurt. I don't know how to explain when my hand are trembling. Why it trembling. People always said nah you should just take a deep breath and don't overreact. I tried but i failed miserably. I just froze there. Sometimes i just throws tantrum. I can't control my feeling. I'm useless. There a time when i thought that if this end then it will pull a full stop on all of this feeling but how? How can i leave. Why am i feeling like this? Why my brain won't stop overthinking. Why am i feeling so lacking when they give me their best. My attitude. It my attitude. Why i lacking of self confidence. Self love. Why I always feel they don't love me, they don't treat me the same when all they did was love me and treat me fine. What I want? What is this feeling? Cry for everything. Sad on anything. Empty when being filled full. I want to be alone but i afraid being left alone .
          
          I'm feeling down when they said wow you're so great. You nailed it. I afraid when they think I'm great they'll leave me on my own thinking I can manage myself. They just be with someone else who need their support. They'll just help the other because I can do it. How can a praises bring me down? Why would having people look up on you give you anxiety? How can everything you do, you feel the urge to explain so that people know what you actually mean? Why people keep misunderstand my word? Why can't I arrange my word beautifully so I won't be misunderstand?
          
          I keep regretting things. I keep thinking what if. I keep saying i wish. I just not fit in with everybody. Not even my family. Not even my mom. Not even me myself. Sometimes i imagining me floating in a lake. Might be half drowning sometime because that the only things keep me from bursting. That keep me sane. That keep me standing. That is what keep me breathing in this empty unending feeling even after it fill full.