amira_medina20

I miss everyone. I miss my Mama, my late uncle, my relatives from another province. My best friends. I wonder if they're doing well. I wonder if they're going to sleep peacefully at night, eating their meals on time, and all that. For those who have already left this world, I wonder if I'd ever get to see them again and thank them. Are they happy? Are they in peace at last? Sometimes I just want to ask those questions myself. Sometimes I just want to visit up there, wherever that is, and talk to these people I've loved and lost and never got to know or bond with fully. It hurts my heart to know both here and there I'm unable to express how I feel, and verbalize my thoughts. I'm too scared to rip all the layers off of me one by one and reveal what's inside. I miss you guys. I miss you, although I don't cry as often as I should, although I don't talk about you out loud as often as I should. You linger in my head and my heart all the time, and I'm sorry because that's all I can do. That's the only way I can keep you with me.

amira_medina20

I miss everyone. I miss my Mama, my late uncle, my relatives from another province. My best friends. I wonder if they're doing well. I wonder if they're going to sleep peacefully at night, eating their meals on time, and all that. For those who have already left this world, I wonder if I'd ever get to see them again and thank them. Are they happy? Are they in peace at last? Sometimes I just want to ask those questions myself. Sometimes I just want to visit up there, wherever that is, and talk to these people I've loved and lost and never got to know or bond with fully. It hurts my heart to know both here and there I'm unable to express how I feel, and verbalize my thoughts. I'm too scared to rip all the layers off of me one by one and reveal what's inside. I miss you guys. I miss you, although I don't cry as often as I should, although I don't talk about you out loud as often as I should. You linger in my head and my heart all the time, and I'm sorry because that's all I can do. That's the only way I can keep you with me.

amira_medina20

I like to think that happiness is subjective. That every individual has their own freedom to decide and choose what that word means to them. But it is so broad, so fleeting, so selfish. They say happiness is a choice, but I can't see why. I've chosen every possible path there is. Maybe to me, rather than a choice, it's just a consequence. Just a mere consequence you could find and stumble into at the end of the day. But is it really a choice? I'm not sure. I don't know how to define it. It's such a word of responsibility. It's such a word of complex reasoning and meaning. But then again, it is just another word in the dictionary. It is just another word.
          
          I have to find another word.

amira_medina20

Hmm.  You're right about one thing: happiness is subjective, you're right. Is happiness a choice? Could be. Is it a consequence? Could be. Isn't it up to you to decide? Do you decide to be happy, or do you wait for it to come to you naturally? I can't blame you for either, or doing neither. But months after posting this, I kind of had a new perspective: it's something you create yourself. Sometimes, you lose sight of what you're making, or stop midway. Sometimes, you end up making something entirely different, or entirely the same. But you should never stop forming your own definitions, your own art. Maybe one by one, they all look like failed, horribly constructed things. But altogether, they mold a masterpiece... and that masterpiece is no one but you.
            
            Never stop creating, breaking down, growing, and starting over from scratch. ^____________^ And quit being so pessimistic all the time, you edgy brat. It's making it more embarrassing for your future self to read these logs.. tch.
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