#1 Shadow Milk gooner

Banana

Why did you follow me 4 times

new pfp after 1037492 years

My beautiful people, I'm 90% sure they saw them <3 (They think I don't hear them talking about how ashamed I should be bcuz they said it while my door was closed lmfaooo) I'm done with them and everything either way sooo I only feel a smidge of fear. Worst case scenario, I end up hiding in my closet like countless times before with 10 minutes daily on my phone and a slap mark perhaps 

Why does my body not feel like my own and like I'm in a simulation? 

I'm so tired please save me. I don't wanna die I just want an escape from this. I want my parents to regret not caring about me. I want them to regret yelling when I told them I'm suicidal, I want them to regret yelling when they saw my many cuts, and I want them to regret yelling when I was struggling to eat. 

God I am so thirsty after writing all that's and I'm not even nauseous anymore, and I really want something sweet, like the chocolate cream we have, and I'm starting to get hungry again slowly. 
          
          But thinking about food is so disgusting. Eating it is, too. I don't wanna look at it, I don't wanna smell it, I don't even wanna be near it. I don't want to drink water, what if it helps me gain weight? What if I don't meet my mom's weight expectations afterwards? Would she even care if I died, or would she just dress my corpse up as nicely as she can for my funeral and call it a day? 
          
          I'm so thirsty, but the water in my star-shaped bottle has been there since last night, and now has a weird taste. Not like I'd drink it, anyway. Nothing feels appealing. 
          
          My heart hurts really bad. My mom says it's just because I'm growing, so is my nausea. A few days ago she asked me if I'm stressed. How do I say yes without telling them about my grades? So I said no. 
          
          On the day I disappear I can call my teacher and lay my final blow on my parents 

Chat I'm gonna be honest, they're gonna see my grades either way soon, I don't know how much longer I might be here. The chances of them realizing how bad I constantly feel and how wrong everything is with me is very slim, and if it happens they might get me actual help and I'd stay. But the much bigger chance of them not caring is making positive thoughts hard. I know it sounds dramatic, but that's because they care more about my grades than my feelings, and I don't wanna become their puppet. 
          
          Sorry for scaring y'all a few days ago. I know you might need some time to forgive me, but I genuinely am not feeling well, and had no motivation or energy to respond to any concerns. The energy thing happens constantly, nothing really makes me happy anymore, a few days ago my games did but now that's gone too, and everything is so gray. The weather is gray, the filter over my eyes is gray, but everything is so bright at the same time. I can't focus, I feel pain around my heart area constantly, get constant cramps, don't even find my room a safe space anymore. Now my body feels too small, so does my room, I have constant nausea and I can't escape. Wish me luck chat xx 

I'm honestly scared of my parents. They're gonna see my grades in a few days, maybe even today. So basically we were eating and I suddenly wasn't hungry, it's just something that's been happening recently, but I was "acting weird," and since I stopped eating after they questioned me about my grades for this semester, my mom started yelling that I'm hiding something. I immediately felt tears, because not only was the food so bitter but so tasteless at the same time, but now she was yelling. I lied that I'm just not hungry and tired and she accused me of making her cry (I didn't say anything, she only started playing victim cuz I was crying), then when I told her she started yelling at me obviously not being ok instead of being concerned, she accused ME of playing victim. I'm honestly thinking of throwing my food up, just for them to believe how not hungry I am, since rn I feel nauseous just thinking about food. Now they're probably gonna look at my grades today and yell at me and ground me and maybe hit me and I can't do this anymore, I wish I was brave enough to end it so they'd stop making a hopeless game out of my life, maybe they'd finally believe me that I wasn't lying when I told them I was scared of them. I'm weak, and I can't accept it, and I wish they'd stop and think about how I feel for once instead of yelling and playing victim. 
          
          

Hey are you alright man