andromaetra

@toasterinshowerr i'm sure my dad said the same thing to me at one point. i've always had the philosophy of breadth over depth. when it came to coding there was a lot of discussion with my friends on whether it was better to be really good at a few programming languages or know a little of a lot. i had friends who would say they knew (very definitively) that the answer was to specialise in a specific stack, so like they'd get really good at a few languages that were used in a certain space. but for me i always wanted to understand everything. learnt a bit of this, bit of that. so when it came to picking up new languages (which is what i did for one interview) i was able to explain what i understood after about a week of exposure. didn't get the role but there was good feedback that i took with me for future interviews. 
            
            i am such a chaotic hot mess most of the time, flitting between one thing to another. one of my friends at work came up to me once and said 'hey you see everything in the workspace channels right, do you remember this being mentioned?' and funnily enough i knew exactly what she was referring to. there is value in this sort of chaos. but for many people they will not understand, and that's alright. 
            
            today i've just felt a bit poopy. likely to do with barely sleeping last night because i was at my parents' flat and slept on the sofa since their flat is so hot and i couldn't find a proper fan. that and having a period and my braces moving because of the bands put on yesterday for final changes before they take the braces off. i did take painkillers though, twice, which is something i normally put off. so i'm glad i did that. so today i'm a whiny baby. was a whiny pain while at personal training in the morning and plan to be whiny for the rest of the day. i plan to make lots of people feel my pain today in a demon baby sort of way. 
            
            anyway, thank you for your reminders and kindness. i'm proud of you always <3

@toasterinshowerr i'm glad i could help! don't worry about not being able to reply to everything, i am not exaggerating when i say i forget what i've said pretty soon after i say it. my brain runs like a high speed railway on fireeee. i'm glad you're feeling better. hey, i had a career of my own until i was like 24 when i switched careers - which is still young but still. i expected to hear from my family that it was a waste, the degree i did and the time i spent in the previous career but i think they were surprised at what it took to switch careers. and my previous career is one of the reasons i got the job i have today, my manager mentioned that if i could work with special needs kids (an area most interviewers try to brush over/ignore) then i had the soft skills that the team could really benefit from. and some days working with the other guys is like working with kids for real.
            
            what's super crazy is that i work for a vet software company. for me it has been the closest to a dream job, to know my work has real impact whilst in a sector where i can actually afford to live my life. also i want to mention, my adhd got significantly bad when i was around 17/18. that's not to say it's applicable for you but it was something that got to me a lot, not being able to do what i could do just a few years earlier. there may be changes/factors at play that you may not understand for some time. so don't be too harsh on yourself. the fact that you care at all is more than most people. there are definitely ways of learning that you can use to best suit the ebbs and flows of focus/energy you might have. takes a bit of figuring out but you'll get there, i'm sure of it!

@andromaetra i really don’t like how people treat it like a bad thing that i have more than one option in mind. like, yeah, i know i said i want to be a vet. and i do. but recently i’ve also been thinking that maybe i’d love to be a nurse too. like, i hate being around a lot of people..i mean, not hate-hate, just… it drains me, you know? but helping people? seeing someone smile because i was able to do something for them? even just being the reason they felt a tiny bit better? that… feels good. and maybe that’s something i’d love too.
            but when i told my dad, he just got mad. like—why can’t i pick one thing? why do i always change? why do i have to be so indecisive all the time? he basically said that this is why i don’t succeed—because i don’t focus on one thing. and i didn’t even know how to explain it to him. like, i never have just one thing in my head. my mind is like 45 google tabs open all the time. just because i want to explore doesn’t mean i’m lost, right? i just… wish i could explain that to him in a way he’d understand. but anyway. i don’t want to dwell on that too much right now. i really, really hope the heat settles down for you soon. sending wishes for breezy days and comfy weather that actually feels nice to exist in. please take care of yourself, yeah? rest when you can, drink lots of water (yes i will always remind you), and just… be gentle with yourself. you’re doing amazing, even on days it doesn’t feel like it. ♡

@toasterinshowerr hey thanks for letting me know, i hope you have a restful break! i hope you know that you can step away as often and for as long as you'd like and you don't need to tell a single person here. you don't need to notify anyone when you need to take care of yourself, as much as i appreciate that you did of course. i'll be right here whenever you're back x

@andromaetra (2) so i’m saying this from my whole heart: i’m really, really proud of you. i mean that. i know not everyone will get it—and i’m not going to pretend i fully understand what it feels like to be in your exact place, because no one can—but still, i see the effort it takes. just making it through each day is a huge thing. you’re doing something incredibly difficult, and you deserve so much more kindness and credit than this world gives.
            
            i wish i could take all the weight off your shoulders—or even just a little bit of it. i’d carry it for you in a heartbeat if it meant you could breathe easier for a while. i really mean that. it hurts to know someone i care about is going through so much alone, and i wish there was more i could do from where i am.
            
            but even if i can’t fix things, i’ll always be here—genuinely, quietly, consistently. no judgment, no expectations. just someone in your corner who sees how hard you're trying, and thinks you're doing so much better than you realize.
            
            you don’t have to be “okay” to deserve rest or kindness or softness. even when everything feels like too much, you’re still worthy of care. i hope you can give yourself a bit of the gentleness you offer to others, even if it’s just letting yourself exist without guilt today.
            
            and when the fog starts to clear—even if just for a moment—I hope you feel proud of yourself too, because you deserve to. i'm really glad you're still here. the world is better with you in it.
            
            

@toasterinshowerr thank you for seeing my efforts cuz I don't think people are ever going to see that here as I was still called selfish in the early morning :( I've loved doing things for others since childhood especially my family like buying my sibling his favourite snacks, drink or whatever that would make his exams week better or doing things late at night for my mom so she could wake up and feel happy that what was bothering her was already done etcetera but they didn't really care that much about my efforts so yeah they always go in drain. 
            
            i just want to say—i really hear you. everything you wrote about how hard it is to do the “basic” things, especially eating—it hit close. i don’t know if i have adhd or not, but a while ago, i went through something that sounds a little similar.
            
            i was living with my family, food was right there, literally in my hands—and still, i couldn’t eat it. i'd take a bite and just start crying. and even though it was “just eating,” it felt impossible. i didn’t know why, and honestly, i still don’t fully know. and when i told someone about it, someone i trusted, they laughed. like, how can that even be hard? and yeah, people really can be that dismissive. it makes you feel even more alone.
            
            but what you’re dealing with—it’s more than just that. you’re on your own, managing everything, and doing it while your brain is fighting you every step of the way. and i know how hard that must be. like, if it was that hard for me even with support and food already made, i can’t imagine how heavy it must feel for you.
            
            

@toasterinshowerr i really admire you, how much you do for others especially at home. when i was your age i had very much given up, maybe also because i always managed to do things 'wrong' anyway. i'll be honest i've been a wreck all week but i think i'm slowly pulling my way out of burnout. i can't remember whether i had two full meals in any day this week and i keep finding myself unable to sleep and forgetting to drink water. when my adhd is at its worst i can't really even be a human and do the most basic of tasks.
            
            i got on a call with my parents for a while today and i was trying to explain to my mum how i realise travelling makes me fall apart because i'm away from all my coping skills and habits for that's kept my adhd undiagnosed most of my life. of course she mentioned i should just eat small portions of healthy food and i tried explaining how unrealistic that was - to make healthy food you need to buy it, prepare, cook, physically eat it, clean up etc. at these times i can barely manage to have a pot of yoghurt from the fridge as a meal. healthy is nowhere near realistic, what's realistic is the attempt to eat/drink anything at all 2/3 times a day. 
            
            i know this is my reality, it always has been. my motto has always been you either cook or you starve because there's no other option most of the time. noone's going to cook for me, i'm too anxious for deliveries and technically noone would even know if i ate at all in a day. to explain to someone how the act of feeding myself is so exhausting and challenging that it sometimes makes me cry, there aren't many people who could/would want to understand. 
            
            anyway, i know i'll be better soon but for now i've been doing bare minimum. no uni work, just making it through each day. i appreciate you always checking in/talking to me always for sure

@toasterinshowerr thank you! yes, that's exactly what i had in mind! hopefully the wattpad scheduling feature works, it wasn't something we had when i was writing before, then wednesday uploads will be a piece of cake! i really hope the story keeps up with the excitement you're feeling now and you enjoy each chapter just as much, if not more than the previous ones! x

@andromaetra You did it!! After a whole decade—that’s huge, and I’m honestly so happy and proud that you took that step. Brushing off the cobwebs is never easy, but your words flow like they never left. I read the prologue and it already has that quiet, stirring charm that pulls you in gently and completely. I can’t wait to read Chapter 1!
            
            I actually love the idea of releasing chapters mid-week. It gives me something to look forward to when the week feels a bit heavy or draining—like a little escape tucked into the middle of everything. But I’m also here for whatever rhythm works best for you, so take your time figuring it out. Just know I’m already hooked and very ready for more