Andy

Suuper sleepy today, unable to finish writing the book review, so strange, never felt this sleepy in the evening... anyway gap certi done.

I woke up reluctantly but as the morning passed, I thought of goals to achieve in the day, with enthusiasm. Then one small thing happens, and here I'm sitting nad crying again. The fight in me all gone out, washed away in the flood of self pity and self hatred. My hair keeps falling, despite taking meds to stop it, in spite of oiling it and treating it with care. It's thinning faster than the moon waning in the sky, as though my pipe dreams are getting further away. I can't look at the good things because these bad things pull me down in the dumps. What a conundrum, to be sane, it seems the best thing, and yet you come to realise after sometime the price you will pay will cost you a lot of that sanity just gained. Just stop bothering me life. Just let me be. It feels like a cat and a mouse game, life is playing with me, clutching me in one of its claws and then letting me go momentarily, only to snatch me up again. Depression? Funny joke. There's no escaping this hell. 

Rocking. Hush, it will be okay. You'll be fine. 

Will I ever have a stable life? Without these back and forth mood shifts. But this time I'm not sure naymore. It was me. My fault. I messed up the timing of meds, and it's been so more than a month, it's my fault probably that I'm swinging like a pendulum again. But i cant tell this to the doc, what would he think, such a stupid thing to do. Knowing it could harm me, still wanting to mess with the timings. Why did i do that? Why do i? I'm like an alcoholic. Striving to follow routine, take meds regularly and then suddenly caving. Whether it's by itself or due to my interruption, what doesn't change is this going back to square one, beginning everything from zero all over again. I hate myself. 

Trivial, petty issues. How could they trigger me?
          
          I have so many things to do, no time to lose and here i am sitting like a pathetic fool crying over sour salad and dumb noises. How will I get through MA in Fr? Throughout the lunch i felt like throwing the plate and bowl on the floor, so I grabbed them tightly, fixed my eyes on the food, put my head down and chewed. Chewed the tasteless food. Because the chicken felt dry, the salad sour, the flatbread stale. I counted numbers back and forth to drown out the intense emotions swiveling inside my head, the grating beats of the song playing in the room, the scent of pepper in the chicken. Then I went to the washroom afterwards, breath, breath in and out, breath, you can't cry yet. You can't have a meltdown in front of them. Too tired yo explain, I don't even know why the sudden shift. Only ten minutes before lunch I was writing the temoignage for assistana. What could have been the inner turmoil that rose and overflowed behind my eyes?

I had forgotten how dark it was in the pit after stying out in the light for so long. I know this is passing and yet qi'm so afraid. Scared it has got me in its clutches again nad that this time it won't let go. If only I could channel this fear into words, not for nonsense rants here, but something more. It was so simple as a child, to want to be something. To want. Now I'm scared to even think of something I want, lest my demons hear it before I do and mock me, hurt me. I hate listening to Ed Sheeran's perfect, and when mom dad praise it saying it's so sweet, I find it irritating. There's nothing perfect, stupid ass. I envy my parents, the way they can listen to You're beautiful, Dandelions, One Direction, Maroon Five, without feeling upset. Today if I understand it correctly, my trigger was salad. Haha even mentioning it seems petty, such a trivial thing. The salad is costly. The salad dressing wasn't perceptible because mom used the vinigraite i had brought and it's gone sour with time now. I didn't like the pairing of salad and the rezalla. That's what annoyed me. And then dad asking mom to get up and change songs, skip ads, irritated me. Then the loud noise of banging on the window when mom tried to shoo away pigeons.

I'm the only one to be blamed. I didn't do my research on sorbonne's seminars, the electives, how many options they offer to choose from, how their greek latin and classical literature aren't really options for me. I didn't consider ho, lyon is my first choice jntil it was yoo late to ask that in the scholarship application. My fault I can't take advantage of the reward i got. My fault dad will need to take a loan for my expenses. My fault for being incapable and indecisive and inept. No. No. It's okay. I made the right decision. People will judge, raise questions, think I'm strange. Doesn't matter, they don't know you from inside out, you do. You know what's best for you. I'll pay back the debt. I'll make my place. I have to. I better not cower down now.
          
          I hate myself. I'm proud of myself. It hurts. I can't share it with anyone. It stings. I'm scared. Did I make the right decision? Am I worth spending so much money on? Such a waste. I could have used the scholarship. If only I had done my research well. If only. My fault.

All because i am scared of not being able to cope up. Valid reason yes. But i feel stupid for having to give up on such an exceptional opportunity. Dont regret choosing lyon but upset that i didnt put it as the first preference for scholarship

I got the scholarship for sorbonne. But im not going there. It hurts. So bad. 

Happier than ever - billie eilish ♡