Andy

Haven't been able to sleep for two or so weeks now. It's making me tired and irritable. 

Still used to avoiding things I love too much. Lana del ray. Of course I'd love it if I heard, so I didn't until now. 

So here we go, down in a nosedive, welcome to my crash site. Is this how Icarus felt the minutes before he plunged into the depths of water and his wax wings finally melted away? How close to the sun, and yet, down he went, like a flaming shooting star in the sky. Will I too, continue to crash every time I think I have finally made it off the runway, soared up high enough? Is this the lemon life keeps throwing at me or just a tennis ball waiting to be thrown back at life?

Still reeling from the aftermath of seeming happy productive and engaged around my friend? For the last few days while he was over at my place. No longer sure whether I'm masking or this is how it is, my true feelings. I can't tell the difference anymore. Either everything feels like an act or it feels like a nothing, a nobody's actions. I don't know what I speak of either. I just woke up one day and found myséf standing in the middle of a hill road overlooking a village below. With no memory left of life before that day. That's how my brain feels right now. Is this what they call fog?
          I wanted to start working at 10 dot. But it's already 8minutes past that dot and I still can't find the drive that's necessary for me to do justice to one of the most empowering and beautifully written books. I have to write the review. Today. In the next three hours. It's only 300 words. And yet, here I sit, trying to weave myself a net of motivation and trying to make this weary soul sit up straight again. Trying to gather my wits and the remaining vestiges of my fortitude. And in these less inspired, less courageous, less driven moments when I am hounded by thoughts of insignificance and not enough ness, I turn religious I guess. I drop the act of being an atheist and pray in my innermost corners of my mind, pleading shamelessly to whoever would listen, to help me. Turns out that even on meds I can still feel fatigued now. Was that a dream the last month when it felt everything was resolved and things were taken care of. Who was i kidding, of course nothing is taken care of so soon.

Help me oh almighty, whoever thou art, in heaven of hell, I plead you to let me have energy to buoy me through the evening at least until i get bcak home at night post the dinner. I need break, one that i have no more

I was happy in the beginning but not anymore. Everything is starting to feel overwhelming, unwelcome, claustrophobic and there is a certain latent anxiety brewing in the depths of my conscience. It keeps making me feel both tired and irritated. I want to celebrate but i don't feel like going out in the evening anymore or dressing up for it or taking pictures. Im feeling dissatisfied. I don't like how my hair looks, how my nail paints sits awkwardly on my nails. I want elegance but everything screams unpolished and untidy in my eyes. I want the incoherent yet menacing presence inside my mind to stop growing any bigger. I want to stop S from coming over tomorrow. It's making me annoyed. I sjouldn't let it bother me though, but I'm feeling bothered. A lot. I want solitude and quiet. Not sure what's making me so overstimulated. Not sure how I can overcome it either. I ́need a break. Probably washing my hair and grooming myself in the bath drained me of my limited source of energy? Maybe I just need to watch a kdrama and distract myself a bit. Am I upset that other than juun nobody stayed up or waited until 12am to wish me? Am I annoyed for expecting? Ofcourse, this i know the answer of... who wouldn't be furious, I'm annoyed that he is coming at 6am and tht he doesnt wish me until afternoon and that he sends me the book via parcel as the bday gift. I'm annoyed that he brought up the panic about a new disease spreading in China. I don't wnay to spend anymore. I don't want to spend time with him and then later regret it

I can no longer sign into my frnch WA  account. Feels like letting go of the last little thread of connection to there that i had been clinging to, feels slightly unsettling. I hve become lazy again, mentally, tired sort of. But let tomorrow be one day of pure joy. 

It's hard, my emotions, rise and swell and then dissipate and I forget how it pained, how it screamed, how it had thrashed inside me only moments ago. I keep coming in and going out of my memory loops. Maybe I'll also start forgetting things like dad. Maybe I have alzheimers strain too. Or maybe premature dementia. Or just same old depression. Everything blends and mixes together and loses shape in my vicinity. I feel jealous of people who write, of people who read, of people who I want to be. The writer that I wish to be, will it ever happen? When was the last time I wrote a story in English? When was the last time I read a serious novel in English? I hate myself. Again and again and again. Circling inside the same old cage, groping blindly at the walls closing in on me. And yet, perhaps, ironically, not desperate enough still, or else why haven't I found the keyhole yet? Yes, there are no windows, but a keyhole, there has to be one. Days that fly while I laugh and smile and talk a lot, once gone, feels like make belief. Was it a normal happy person? Or was it just my hypomania peering out of its shell? Hope? The one thing that you want to hold on to the hardest and yet feel reluctant to admit. As though admitting it would make your hold weaker, will allow it to slip through, and push it to inexistence. Comfort me. Someone?

Suddenly reminded of the male prof who was weird in dp during the first year of astnt dl fr. Is that the reason why all the profs kept in touch with me and is extra nice to me on fb? Hope not i mean not tht that would be bad in itself but ugh not sure what to think tbh. I had forgotten it all. I wonder how did that happen. I thought of the kids all the time and simply forgot his existence. The way he made me uncomfortable. His inppropriate comportement throughout my tenure. And the way i gathered enough courage to say it in his face on the last day of school and to bring it up with the authorities too. It was really brave of me i must say. I suddenly remembered how i made it a point to mention that the driving force in my decision to bring this up was not to be vindictive but rather to be protective of the future kids who would be usually younger than me. To stop the cycle. Wonder what happened to him afterwards. Wonder what really happened. But not gonna ask anyone about it. And will eventually forget it again. 

Afterall, i didn't make that post. Maybe it was because i had skipped the meds at night? Nothing feels reliable anymore. I feel happy and content but also anxious that i'll soon wake up from this peaceful dream and find myself again at the feet of the demons, begging for mercy, grovelling prostrate for being so audacious and arrogant as to try to resist it. Wonder what makes me so servile to it? Nothing but fatigue. It is weird to feel positive after such a long time, to be able to focus and read. Even with the forgetting, it is nice to finally have a relatively silent tamed brain. Feels unfamiliar and suspicious. But still if this is a dream and only  a magical retreat from my reality, i wnat desperately to use this time to pour out my everything and burn radiantly like the firecrackers bursting in the sky. If it be effervescent and fleeting, let it at least be memorable and spectacular.