Andy

Anxious about tomorrow. Hope everything goes okay.

I have started working on the memoir but i stopped and dont feel like starting again ugh

He is sweet, very. Touchwood

Need to finish the memoir asap

Happy

Scandinavia.. forests.. will I be bale to ever visit it with him?

3 months and counting.. feels surreal. We talked about summer plans, really wnat it to work out, scandinavia trip... maybe he said, i wish. It would be absolutely beautiful if possible.

I have my funding until sep 30. Thankgod. What do i do next? A part of me wants to start working and not study anymore. A part of me wants to escape and live a random but fulfilling life instead. Another part of me wants to get into social service with kids. I just want to work with kids. How could i do that?

What god giveth, god taketh?
          
          I'm scared of losing him too. I know it's not so deep yet and still the mere thought of it is so frightening and destabilizing. But like every other relation, this would probably end one day too? I don't want that. It will hurt a lot. What will I do? I'll face that when it happens, if it happens. I have to distract myself. Just because i have had many friends abandon me doesn't mean everyone abandoned me. Many is not all. It's okay. I'll find more friends. It's okay. Make the most of the present, cherish the past, and make space for the future. It's going to be okay. 

What i wouldn't give to ride my horse now. My horse from the dream, the one I knew inside out, my friend, my soul mate, no language required. Out in the open fields, washed in moonlight, under the light drizzle, just let the wind whip my hair back, while I fly on her back as she gallops away into the distance. The smell of her fur and the wet soil, the scent of clouds in the air, I could put both my hands off the rein and close my eyes, spreading them out like I'm actually flying. She would know my every wish, she would take me for the ride, just free. And when she comes to a stop, neighing, I'l jump off her back and whisper in her ears, crying softly as I cradle her long neck around my arms, her head nuzzling, snorting, hoof stomping slightly, as if expressing indignance on my behalf. I'll breath in her hay smell and try to calm myself.