Andy

Scandinavia.. forests.. will I be bale to ever visit it with him?

3 months and counting.. feels surreal. We talked about summer plans, really wnat it to work out, scandinavia trip... maybe he said, i wish. It would be absolutely beautiful if possible.

I have my funding until sep 30. Thankgod. What do i do next? A part of me wants to start working and not study anymore. A part of me wants to escape and live a random but fulfilling life instead. Another part of me wants to get into social service with kids. I just want to work with kids. How could i do that?

What god giveth, god taketh?
          
          I'm scared of losing him too. I know it's not so deep yet and still the mere thought of it is so frightening and destabilizing. But like every other relation, this would probably end one day too? I don't want that. It will hurt a lot. What will I do? I'll face that when it happens, if it happens. I have to distract myself. Just because i have had many friends abandon me doesn't mean everyone abandoned me. Many is not all. It's okay. I'll find more friends. It's okay. Make the most of the present, cherish the past, and make space for the future. It's going to be okay. 

What i wouldn't give to ride my horse now. My horse from the dream, the one I knew inside out, my friend, my soul mate, no language required. Out in the open fields, washed in moonlight, under the light drizzle, just let the wind whip my hair back, while I fly on her back as she gallops away into the distance. The smell of her fur and the wet soil, the scent of clouds in the air, I could put both my hands off the rein and close my eyes, spreading them out like I'm actually flying. She would know my every wish, she would take me for the ride, just free. And when she comes to a stop, neighing, I'l jump off her back and whisper in her ears, crying softly as I cradle her long neck around my arms, her head nuzzling, snorting, hoof stomping slightly, as if expressing indignance on my behalf. I'll breath in her hay smell and try to calm myself. 

I had forgotten how much it hurts to lose a friend. To realise you don't matter to them as much as you thought you did. I had forgotten how I was walking on ice. Despite of years of friendship, emotions, shared moments, time invested, someone can just walk in randomly and replace you. I had forgotten how it doesn't matter how nice you are to someone, sometimes you're just not the one they can open up to. They would rather open up to someone they haven't even met and someone you encouraged them to talk to. That they would watch tv shows and formula one races together, while you keep feeling the distance growing. It's silly, of course they don't belong to me. What am I feeling so upset for? Is it because this feels repeated? Haven't I seen this enough to know it's just how it is? Shouldn't I be expecting this anyway by now? Shouldn't I be indifferent to the coming and goings of people in my life? Just because i'm not priority number one doesn't mean I'm nothing, right? But she didn't even deny it. That hurt

It feels strange, it's almost like i'm in a relationship for the first time. I don't relember feeling so at peace and just happy. Like a part of me feels safe just knowing that i have someone i can rely on. Even though i still have my guards up and don't want relinquish all my control yet. I still know I have a certain kind of acceptance and reassurance, a kind of affection that i wanted that's now being fulfilled. I don't know if this would last or how long it would but im so grateful that it's happening right now. Like horseriding, like being bale to live here, like getting to be a student all over again, like everything that im able to do now, i want to just live in the moment and make my best memories. So that even if things don't work out later on, i'll still have these moments. Nobody can take that away from me. Even if it all falls apart, this right here, the present, it's in my grasp. It's mine. 

I want to be comforted. 

I am scared. I feel vulnerable. What if this doesn't work out... i mean yeah it is what it is. But i want to prepare myself for the worst and it hurts to think that it's afterall a possibility. I feel like i have shown him all my cards. I need to hold it in. Pull back. Restrain. Don't go all in. Keep something left as a safety net. I want reassurance and words of reaffirmation but ik he cant he wont he doesnt even know how to. I should stop expecting. It's not his responsibility. What if i end up asking too much and scare him off. I cried in front of him twice. I have to be careful. Stop forgetting to hold up my guards. Hold it in. You're good at that. Why are you stumbling now. All you need to do is breath and gulp and press your lips firmly. Don't make any sound, no whimpers. Bite your fist. Stop feeling or thinking. 

Aaaaaaaaaaa im screaming or squealing inside.. had one of the most adorable moments today. B left early morning for work and i slept in, so many kisses before going aaa touchwood how is this happening so effortlessly without any anxiety.. i wont say the 3 words yet but god im so close to sauing it... aim to enjoy and make the most of it