Andy

I'm the only one to be blamed. I didn't do my research on sorbonne's seminars, the electives, how many options they offer to choose from, how their greek latin and classical literature aren't really options for me. I didn't consider ho, lyon is my first choice jntil it was yoo late to ask that in the scholarship application. My fault I can't take advantage of the reward i got. My fault dad will need to take a loan for my expenses. My fault for being incapable and indecisive and inept. No. No. It's okay. I made the right decision. People will judge, raise questions, think I'm strange. Doesn't matter, they don't know you from inside out, you do. You know what's best for you. I'll pay back the debt. I'll make my place. I have to. I better not cower down now.
          
          I hate myself. I'm proud of myself. It hurts. I can't share it with anyone. It stings. I'm scared. Did I make the right decision? Am I worth spending so much money on? Such a waste. I could have used the scholarship. If only I had done my research well. If only. My fault.

All because i am scared of not being able to cope up. Valid reason yes. But i feel stupid for having to give up on such an exceptional opportunity. Dont regret choosing lyon but upset that i didnt put it as the first preference for scholarship

I got the scholarship for sorbonne. But im not going there. It hurts. So bad. 

Happier than ever - billie eilish ♡

I can't stop thinking about hou, maybe it's loneliness but everything seems to remind me of you. The song Be More by Stephen Sanchez. The rain. The tension between Lev and Luz in the story by Ursula le guin. Filter coffee. Places we went together. Places where you didn't want to go. My habit of telling you after each little thing I did or made. Not having anyone to tell it to now, it's like a silent absence that I don't know what to do with. Sometimes I want to reach out to you under the pretense of being friends again, getting in touch after straying off for a while. Then I feel apprehensive. What if I start relying on you and start feeling the same way again? What if I realise I'm not over you yet? So I amuse myself by replaying our tender moments and dreamy evenings when we were content to just be near each other. I wonder if it would be okay to ask our mutual friend how you're doing just so I know if you're still single, as if that would make it easier for me to talk to you again. I never bring up your name at home or during my conversations with mom about friends and I think they know it, they have a tacit understanding that I loved you and that we are not together anymore. When I miss you, I sit with the feeling, cradling the fleeting memories, hoping they won't fade away too soon.

Cry cry cry. Even though i got into 5 unis, invluding sorbonne nouvelle. Dad's tacit expectations and my imagined ones are dragging me down. I cant i cant. Everything in me tells me i want to stop existing and then i try to respond back no this is temporary it will pass you're enough nobody is expecting more

Got accepted by 3 unis. It's crazy right?
          
          Btw why do I talk so much.. I have been thinking. So much could be avoided if I didn't talk. Even the voice inside my head might have been less noisy. I wouldn't lose temper, I wouldn't care what others did or said. It would be just nonchalance. So nice.

I just want to get done with the bourse sop. It's stressing the fish out of me and im tired. Im depressed agaiiin. Im crying againn

Prison visit, young children, group hug, drawing on windshield of car, punctured tires, collegue's car, nurses, room cluttered, soft toys on different shelves, for each child
          
          extempore session 

From time to time i think of the two people I knew who passed away. My age. One when I was in school, harleen. And another when i was in university Payal.
          
          Maybe by remembering them from time to time, I want to keep them alive. Even though I wasn't articularly closed to any of them.