Andy

Why is everything such a drama for me. Whether it's love, studies, work, socializing. Why do I always push the stakes so high and then feel overwhelmed by it. When will i learn to be content and calm and collected and a picture of peace. I want to travel. I want to run away from all my troibles. Even here i feel trapped again. A little at least.

After what seems ages, i felt insecure and jealous yesterday. It hit too close. He is invited to a birthday party by his friend whom he met through meet up which i still feel is just another form of a dating app anyway so that girl is my age and it bothered me. I wish i could tag along. Then it wouldn't have been fine. I dont know any of his friends and it's annoying, he knows all my friends. I need reassurance and words of affirmation, affection. But his love language is more subtle and silent. I struggle with that. It feels like a reciprocation or a reaction than an action. I want him to be more proactive in expressing his interest. I stopped texting last night because i was so upset and it made me feel worse, the fact i was so disturbed. I needed to take back my control so i abstained from talking to him until today evening. But i had hoped he would reach out and he didn't. So i gave in and texted. I wish i could receive the kind of attention i want. I know i can give a lot so why can't i get some? Or at least it would be nice if i didn't care baout what i didn't get then i wouldn't have sensed the lack either.

What would i be without my journal, without my words, without this outlet I call my home?

When it rains, it pours. When I hit the low, I sink deeper, like caught in quicksand. Sable movant. I felt nauseous, almost sick. Too uneasy to sit still, so I put my gloves on and fight like I can punch holes through the ghost in my mind. Then I sweat and get tired. So I sit, but it doesn't let me go. So I rise again and pace, maybe ice would help? So I grab a fistful of ice tightly in my palms. Hold it on as one would hold on for dear life. I let the cold sear into my red wet skin and I shiver. Willing my mind to focus only on the thing in my hand, the pain, the cold. When I let go, the memory of it still burns. Only for a few seconds, and then it goes out again. Like a candle in the breeze. So I listen to music and smoke. Open the window let the cold air slap me in the face and suck on the vape machine trying to suck the ghost out of my head. It stays. It always does. I feed myself, fingers tear through the stale bread and squashed into my mouth. The food dry and tasteless, but eat I repeat. Eat, chew, swallow. Eat. And then i sit. Cry, cry as though I'm tired of the losing battle. Then I go take a hot shower. This should help. Cry in the shower. But the warm running water calms me down. I get back to my chair and write. Words pour out of me like milk. Gently reassuring.

Idk how long this would last but i want it to. I want to have a real and long relationship. For the first time i feel like i have the time to invest in it. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. At least, this has potential. I stay here for a couple of years at the very least. And he seems nice. 

He can pick me up. I like that. We laugh a lot. I can ask him weird questions but it doesn't faze him out, we laugh along at it, not in a patronizing way or belittling way, but levelheaded, simple laughter, like two kids splashing water at a beach, clear and lucid. Laughter that brings us closer than putting us further apart. He hasn't told me the three words yet, and neither have I. It doesn't seem important right now. Like it doesn't matter somehow i'm happy the way it is.

I was frank, it just felt so natural, he made me feel comfortable enough to open up that i have never done it before. He was so understanding, so welcoming about it. Not shocked or judgemental, just accepting as it is. Reassuring even. I was surprised. Met him again, with a gift, a pair of foam swords. He laughed, looked happy. I liked it. I like him. The way his stubble pricks. He has strange finger nails, really big and wide, i have never seen any like this before, but clean, well maintained, not bitten or chewed on. He reads, sometimes writes. Doesn't have sns. Travelled in scandinavia for 4yrs. Works as a waiter at an oldage home's canteen. Probably would do a masters in nature protection laws, someday, or so he claims. Even though it seems quite flou, i'm surprised by how little that actually bothers me. I always thought i was looking for something proper. Neat. Jobs, health, monogamy, looks. All squared up. And yet, here i am. Feeling completely safe and warm around a stranger i met only thrice. It's strange how life works, how life brings people close. I had a tough day, and yet thinking about him made me smile. It's almost weird.

I met someone. It's been three weeks, once every week. Two years younger than me but sensitive and emotionally mature. He has very beautiful eyes, hazel with long eyelashes. Curly black hair, but not like springs, just softer curls, like a sheep. He is tall, really tall. The first time we met, we went for a long walk. He made a joke, about saying he doesn't like me to my face, we were talking about how to nicely reject someone, and I took him for serious. We exchanged numbers, but I felt slightly annoyed and hurt so I saved it as friendzoned. But before the second meeting, he cleared it up and it felt so good to know i hadn't misread his body language all along, that we were on the same page, that we vibed well. We met up for a walk again and then went to his place to watch pirates of the caribbean, he made me pancakes with nutella and we smoked together up on his window sill. We made out and fell asleep. 

What's the point.. will i ever find someone whom i like and who likes me?! Is that even possible? Im so tired of searching and waiting.. i really wish he was the one i mean he probably doesnt tick all the boxes especially the employment part but i was ready to cede on that
          .. we had such a good time together im annoyed at myself .. how foolish of me to think having a good time meant something. He doesnt care. 

Hurts how he said it on my face so bluntly.. i guess i was not prepaeed for that. I was so sure he liked me because he was laughing at my jokes and smiling and then suddenly after that revelation everything felt fake and i felt offended and it just hurt because i got my hopes up and that made me feel like a fool. He isnt even that hot. Yes he has pretty eyes and is tall and is sort of pretty but not like crazy hot. And its annoying. Annoying that someone i kinda liked shot me down so soon. I wasnt expecting him to confess his love for me on the get go but i thought we had fun and it meant something.. but i was wrong.. and that sucked. Of course i pretended like everything was fine and i was cool but inside i was seething. And when finally i got home and we texted a tiny bit i saved his contact as "frenzoned" as if that was retribution.