@andypurplegrey
Work is another aspect that worries me. What if he can't find a stable profession that pays decent and that he enjoys more or less. But who am I to question these things when I myself struggle every day with the idea of what to do after my masters.
In a lot of ways I'm relieved because now the wait is over. At least now i won't have to keep anticipating and wondering whether we will go to norway of not. Fate decided for us I guess. He wants to go to jura on tuesday, after taking complete rest on sunday and monday. I don't have serious expectations from that either but maybe it will be a nice experience. I hope he will be happy there, I just want us to enjoy. To me it doesn't matter where we ho as long as we both enjoy it together. He loves nature and Jura is comfort secure zone, maybe he will cheer up when he is there. Right now he is too upset about what he couldn't achieve. Random things remind me of that and make him emotional. I want him to somehow forget about Norway and let go of it a bit. Just make simple trips rather than plunging for the most difficult challenge. Norway was something more demanding, a place where he had his past entangled with fear, loss, abandonment and isolation. I want him to choose new places, make new memories, find other places and then maybe when he is more comfortable with flying etc we could attempt norway again.
It didn't work out. He couldn't take the flight. We reached the airport alright but as the time gor boarding approached, he got more and more terrified. But what bothered him the most is not being able to decide whether to go or not. I think he just became paralysed by the fear of having a panic attack in the flight and not being able to get out or walk it off. I wasn't super disappointed or anything, but it was sad. Hd cried so much the more he realised he wouldn't be taking the flight. I did try to motivate and encourage him a few times, we did some coin flips too, but he was not convinced. Every time he ended up saying I don't know what to do. I know one day he will be able to fly again but for now it seems difficult. We went till Paris by train and it was a loong journey but it still went smoothly enough. He was okay. It was after reaching the airport that we got stuck. Sighs.
I'm worried about the trip. I really want it to work out because I want to go there, I want to visit norway, but it's not in my hands. I don't know if he will be abke to make it, to take the flight. He is afraid and that is something I can't change. It's a choice he has to make by himself, whether he wants to go or not. I can be there for him, encourage him slightly so it doesn't feel like pressure but in the end it's his decision. I know he really wants to go there but those panic attacks can be terrifying. I understand why he is afraid too. He is able to do a lot of things now but what if it backfires and sends him back to square one. I know i'd probably avoid anything like that myself if I was in his place. But i want him to overcome this so bad. I want us to make that trip. He bought the tickets too... it shouldn't be that hard.. it has to work out. I hope it does.
We spent the weekend together and after dinner we went outside. It's cooler at night and croix rousse is always so windy. We found a nice open spot to sit and chill, lots of people hang out there, families, friends, couples, old people. The sky is vast over our head. I like spending time with him like this, us talking about random things, him lying down with his head on my lap. Kisses. Snuggles.
Italy trip got over sooner than i expected because they didnt have any other camp for me after the stipulated 2 weeks time. I did well though. It was very hard and i felt exhausted, the heat was unbearable, summers are to be avoided for sure and a heatwave is going on around europe.. eitherway 17 days is not less. Im content
Anxious about tomorrow. Hope everything goes okay.
I have started working on the memoir but i stopped and dont feel like starting again ugh
He is sweet, very. Touchwood
Need to finish the memoir asap
