angelofdarkness217

I realize that it has been exactly 4 years to the day since I have joined this site, and also 1 year to the day since I last updated "Russia X Reader: What Makes Us Human".
          I'm going to give you all a run down of how things have gone over the past year, because it's important for you to understand how things have declined with me mentally and emotionally:
          
          December 2016 - March 2017, I had a boyfriend, in which the relationship left me with more loose ends than I started off with. The guy had no priorities and no plans for the future, and all it did was stress me out and make me feel depressed.
          March 2017 - September 2017, I had another boyfriend, and he was amazing, but between work and stress and seasonal depression, I quickly ran out of energy and spent most of my free time sleeping. I was so sure he would be the one, but because of differences too great to overcome, we had to split. I still love him, but I know that I have to move on.
          September 2017 - November 2017, I've been so depressed and tired and stressed out, I either sleep too much or not at all, and my appetite has been pretty much gone. I've lost some weight due to not eating much, and over the past few days, my PTSD has been set off twice. I'm not proud to admit it, but for the first time in my life, I ended up self harming thanks to a PTSD episode. I understand some people are sensitive to the subject of self harm, and I apologize if this bothers you to read, but I wanted you guys to know the severity of what I've been going through lately. I'm not okay, and I know I need help, and as soon as I have the money saved up, I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist, but until then, you may see me post new chapters to my stories, or some short stories to keep my mind off of things. I'm hoping that I can channel my focus into writing more, and that if I put it as a main priority, I can use it as an outlet to decrease my depression. If you are still here, thank you for sticking with me.
          
          ~AngelOfDarkness217

Hie heh

So, I have a new job and my hours are a lot more demanding. My time to write is a bit strangled, but I'm making slow progress in getting at least a little written on my free days. I apologize, but life is life, and making money to pay bills is more important than writing right now. You guys will get a story update soon enough, I just need to decide which story is more important to work on at the moment. Please leave your vote in the comments on which story you guys want me to work on!

So I'm finally away from my shitty roommate! My life is 100 times better now that I am living with my best friend and her grandparents, These people have been more of a family to me than my own blood ever was, and I'm very thankful to them. I just wanted you all to know I was okay.

So I know it's been a while since you guys have heard from me, but I've been busy with work and trying hard not to murder my roommate. Today I'm going to a friend's place after work to talk about possibly moving in with her, because god knows I need to get out of where I am now. I've cried myself to sleep almost every night this past week and even though I've never cut before, a lot of knives and safety pins are looking tempting to me. I'm just going to work hard today and go see my mentor after work; it's all I can do right now.

So my friend's sister's boyfriend told me tonight that I asked too many questions and that I was annoying. I'll be honest, my first thought was to just slit my own throat because it only makes me wonder how many other people think the same of me. I've had the same thought running through my head for the past three weeks, and no matter how positive I try to be, it keeps coming back with a vengeance. You know what that thought is? "I don't want to be alive, I just want to close my eyes and die."
          I feel like a lost dog that no one wants, no real purpose to my life, I just exist. Yes, I have a few talents and some people even call me beautiful, but I feel like that's all I am, just a pretty little puppet on a string to make a few people happy here and there until they get tired of me. I guess I just need to face the fact that I'm never going to be anything important and no one is going to care five years from now.
          I've disowned every member of my family except for my mother, who is on very thin ice with me as it is; I was raised in chaos and miraculously came out of it as a decent human being, but I also came out of it a very damaged human being. I don't want to be human anymore, I don't want to exist, I want to live a normal life that I know I will never have, and because of that, I'll keep suffering in this world, searching for something that will forever be out of my reach.

Halloween was a bust for me- of course, I had to work, but at least I got to wear my costume for a few hours afterward, even if I didn't get to do anything that fun. I ended the night watching West World with my roommate's sister and boyfriend; it's a good series, and I highly recommend it to anyone 18+(there is nudity and fornication in the show) ^^'
          I'm doing okay so far, so now I'll spend the rest of the night working on the next chapter of "What Makes Us Human".

So, I've just been having some of the roughest years of my life and I think that if I devote myself enough to continuing my stories, it'll give me a reason to stay alive. My seasonal depression is making its rounds, but so are a few suicidal thoughts, and I'm giving myself something to cling to so that those thoughts don't consume me like they almost did four years ago. I'll keep making small notifications like this to keep you guys posted on how I'm doing, so if you don't see any at least every other day, please check up on me to see if I'm alright; I'm in a very delicate state and need all the support I can get.
          Thank you all, I love each and every one of you, even the ones that browse through my stories on a whim and never follow me, the reads alone make me feel just a little bit better.

I have posted a new chapter for Russia X Reader: What Makes Us Human! That's right, chapter 8 is out!
          You guys have been waiting a while, and I felt so bad about the wait, that I wrote the entire chapter all in one night for you. I love all my readers from the bottom of my heart, and so I am still cranking out chapters whenever I can, even though I now have a job.
          Please enjoy the chapter and keep giving your feedback!

i really love your Russia x reader story !! Its wonderful ,your writing style is splendid i cant wait for the next update !