yaoyao want to eat grass

when will this nightmare stops haunting me . 

when am i gonna be someone’s first choice???

whyy do i feel like am not breathing anymore. my body feels okey but my chest is paining . thought hiding may give me relief but it made me feel more worse. 

the little kid who used to get nervous to even read out a text grew up. now thats shes older she wont even bat an eye even if you blame her .it all feels numb for her

i dont know how i feel being in a relationship. I really thoughh he was the ine who liked me at first cause my friend lied to me saying that. thats the actual reason i noticed him and started liking him. he keeps asking me the reason i don’t have the strength to hurt him by saying that. now that we are in a relationship i feel weird knowing the truth. yes i really do like him but i think he doesn’t understand me. he says he feels insecure when i don’t call or text him . am a person who likes to read books , watch series , and likes  to sleep. now that al working i don’t even have time to use phone cause i will be too exhausted.i have even fell asleep looking at the phone. that’s why i don’t call him often these days and he’s acting up cause of that. because of that i feel really stressed . cause calling him went from wanting to call him to i must call him. it feels tiring everything feels tiring. i keep explaining him butt he still don’t understand me

am veryy thankfull to the two strangers i met today. They made my day a little better .they heard me out and stood on my side . They told me there will be a day when you stand on your own and will tell  the people who gets on your nerves to fuck off. People always told me that i should not be someone who stands out. i should not be someone who swims in the opposite direction. I should always choose something or do something that other people had done or something that promises success rather than something i want to try . 

          
          you know what  i started to hurt myself again.its been 2 years but today i tried it it feels the same . the way the pain start to sooth my worries the way it says you deserve it i still like it.

y i am the only person who needs to beg for love?? y i am always that friend who need to apologise first if we ever get in to a fightt?? i am tired . i dontt think ill ever be that person whos lucky to have a best friend in her life.i don’t even remember the  meaning of that word anymore.
          
          
          

maybe i deserve to bleed

you were wrong mother !! u said i was made for thisssssssss unfortunately am nott
          i regrett believing you… i feel likee smth is weighing down my shoulders .. 
          i knoww yourss concerns butt mom i don’t like thiss lifee am not happyy..
          plss let me find my path by myself