anj

I wanted to stay awake but my eyes just can't so I slept at past 5 then woke up at 10. I know something isn't right is going to happen if I do this certain thing. Well, now, I'm right. At times like this, I cry for every reason I have. It's frustrating and I don't want to call myself depressed. It's kind of a big word, isn't it? I don't invalidate my feelings and struggles (or maybe I do), I just want to stay positive that this thing will finally meet its end. 
          
          Hay. I struggle everyday and I cry because I think this won't end. I think I am being judged and criticize everyday. And this thing won't let me get away. I cry because I imagine my tomorrow and the days after tomorrow that things could be worst. I hope all of this will end  I can't do this anymore. Plus, my mind isn't helping. Every look, action, word of the people around me make me frustrated. I give meaning to everything and it's so bad that I don't have anyone to listen to me. It's just me, after all. It's just me at the start and end of the day. Will it end? Will something change? Kase, I think things only get even worse. Will I find myself lying on the floor because finally, I gave up trying? Hay. Even I do everything, I think nothing will change. 
          
          Ang hirap naman. Bakit gano'n? It is way worst than any academic harships I've been through. Actually, it was way worst than other s except when my Mom left. If life is only playing a game on me, then it's not funny anymore. 
          
          I never want to sleep feeling uneasy, frustrated and mentally and emotionally exhausted. When can I have a decent sleep without feeling like this?
          
          
          
          

Here we go again. . trying to empty my mind. It's frustrating when you can't. 
          
          Funny how I always say I dont really mind and care but somehow, there's tiny part in my heart that hurts. And they say, no matter how tiny the wound is, it affects the whole body. I couldn't imagine how it went like this but I know it's my fault. Honestly, I wish I could just leave and pretend nothing happened. I was not really fond of dramas that's why as much as possible, I avoid them.
          
          The worst part of being a problematic person, like me, is when you want to talk to someone about it but you cant find one to listen to you. It's also my fault because I have trust issues. I couldnt just give in my trust to anyone. Honestly again, I have never given a full trust to someone. I set a boundary, more likely, build an invisible wall in front of me so no one could ever get into my life. 
          
          I am such a problematic person, so I tell myself I have to stop wondering why people leave me. No one could ever bear to stay by my side. Such a lonely ass. Such a pain in the ass.
          
          
          
          
          
          
          

I shouldn't be wondering why I'm sad. I'm always sad because I always think of what others say about me. What they say always stay inside my head especially if they're not something to keep. I think I need to wuit considering others' opinion about me. Their words are toxic to me. . and it's getting more toxic because I have such a weak heart. I am always overpowered by my emotions. I have to control my emotions. . rather than my emotions control me. 

This is what's on my mind.
          
          I tend to plan about everything and I can't help but rush and finish it. But in the end, my plan ain't happening as I planned it. Just like planning to wash all my dirty clothes at 1, sleep and wake up at 4, start reviewing at 6, and organize my things for tomorrow after. Guess what, I overslept. And it happened not just once - but always.
          
          I had a trip with my bestfriend yesterday. We went to summer capital of the country! I decided to go because everything is just so stressful and I'm hoping to find a motivation there. But I didn't. That doesn't mean I regret going. It was a once in a lifetime experience! I get to travel! I usually don't travel and I get to travel only once a year and sometimes, the place is not that special. I'm a home person. The place is so beautiful and I love the weather so much! I love walking on the street at night with a very cold weather. That's it, it ended yesterday.
          
          And I'm back to being stressful. Life just gave me a short break. Traveling really helps. However, as I've said, I'm back. And every day is scaring me. It worries me as a day passes, overthinking about the worst things that might happen. I can't help but think about the negativities I am facing and have to face. I got so many life issues - about my friends, my own self, my future, my insecurities - and the list goes on. It's really scary. Overthinking is scary. But reality is scarier. 
          
          
          
          
          

Hi, I'm back! Guess no one has noticed that I was gone? Lol! That's alright. I'm gladly enough that no one is reading my posts in here. But I just hope someone is reading my stories/poems here. Nonetheless, it's still okay. Having something to write here is enough for now. 
          
          All my life while I'm gone here is about deactivating my account then reactivating it again. That was my 'almost everyday' routine. Most of the time, I stay in Twitter because I love what I'm seeing there. I see a lot of funny things about EXO. But I sometimes do not want to stay there because I often see fanwars. Ugh! They're getting on my nerves! 
          
          The semester is almost done. It's not yet done because I'm still waiting for my grades. Some of them were already posted and I'm still nervous for the remaining ones. My scholarship depend on them! Although I'm still hoping I'll get Magna Cumlaude (because my relatives and classmates are expecting me to get it!), I think I won't be able to get it anymore. My GWA ain't enough to get that. But that's okay with me. I'm just afraid that I'm going to disappoint the people around me. Besides, I only care about my grades now. I do not care if people would look down on me now. Their opinions won't matter to me anymore. 
          
          Our short film is done! We got 5 awards for it! It was unexpected but we're happy and blessed. Our thesis defense is done but I find my prof's grading system unfair. Our defense was a mess because of the panel! I do not want to bring it back anymore. But I might lose my scholarship because of that (& ofcourse, the other subjects). I couldn't stop from worrying. 
          
          Hay. Another semester will start. I hope this will be better than the previous ones.

One of my biggest fears in life is opening up with someone I'm close with or not close with. So mostly, I talk to something who can't respond - a picture, stone, notebook, whatever! And technically, wattpad won't respond to me right now.
          
          Blame coffee why I'm very emotional right now. 
          
          We haven't filmed anything yet for our short film and our cast isn't complete yet. Out thesis proposal is not yet done, too. We have too many school works! And I'm most worried of our report in Literature! I'm such a stage-fright freak! 
          
          Yet, after all of this, I'm still sad. And I hate myself for that. I hate myself for being such a pessimist. I'm worried of my relationship with my friends, thinking if I am treating them they way they want. And as a day passes, my insecurities in life make me depressed. 
          
          And right now, i don't know why I'm sad.

We went to Manila today. We did a bibliographical mapping for our thesis. I feel so exhausted and hungry  but today's a memorable day.

I just posted a chapter for Incompatible Hearts. Finally, after weeks. I do not know why I feel satisfied even though I know that no one's reading it. Maybe because, finally, I had an escape from journalistic and academic writings.
          
          I fought the urge to write because I do not want to get distracted while writing in school. And this is so frustrating when you give all your best but it always seems not enough. I have failed writing, I have failed myself, well, I have failed in everything. 
          
          Even writing is trying to leave me now. I somehow found my worth when writing but now, it feels completely different. I don't wanna write anymore.
          
          I don't want to live anymore. Nakakapagod. 
          
          But when demons talk, angels persuade too. And I wish angels will win. I'm tired of everything right now. 
          
          How the world changes in a blink of an eye.
          
          Forgive me. I'm being weak again.

why writing feels so good. . .
          
          It mends me. It keeps me away from the world I usually hate to interact with. It drowns me with the feelings I have kept inside. It is the kind of "drown" that I just let myself cry until the pain goes away. I just go with the water, never trying to search for breath. 
          
          Writing has been my therapy.

another calm night featuring Against the Current on my playlist. . 
          
          
          Now that I realized life could be more exciting if I would live like Margo Roth from Paper Towns, like I can leave this place to find more things that life can offer me and can go back when I feel like. I'm off to social media and the toxic people around, just me and the world. I can talk to strangers, buy sentiments around and stare all alone as the sun goes down while thinking how I love the scenery.
          
          But that's so selfish of me, right? The world is shaking from terrorism, famine and other terrible problems and here I am thinking only about my own satisfaction. Let's pray together.