LJ🪱

sooo i was forced to come out to my mom as transmasc nonbinary bcs i wasn’t able to hide the fact tht my dysphoria was making me kinda depressed so she kept asking me wut was wrong n i felt guilty. now she’s depressed (she doesn’t accept me lol) and i’m dreading for when she comes home. because i know she’s depressed bcs of the fact i’m trans. n i have a 3 day weekend so i have to be in the house with her tht entire time n i’m not looking forward to it on the bright side, my body has numbed itself so i can’t rlly cry or anything like tht.
          
          my boyfriend told me that i can vent to him if i ever need to, but i probably won’t because i feel guilty since he said he’s worried abt me (since i’m in an unsupportive household n all).

bruh i forgot people can see your reading list so i’m looking at mine from like 3 years ago n all i can say is … wut the fuck

hi lol

⚠️i briefly mention harassment , n even tho I’m talking abt a dream i had ik people can be sensitive to tht stuff . also i say the word “traumatic” , idk if people are sensitive to tht but better safe than sorry⚠️
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          just had a dream where 4-7 old men stared at me from outside while i was sleeping in my bed . one of the guys was let in n almost harassed me but he didn’t . but yea it made my fear of walking in front of windows at night a lot worse‍♀️ . i also just realized tht tht fear is linked to an event i did not think was traumatic til i started reconsidering it recently . anyways how y’all doin ?

⚠️TW⚠️ : mentions of self harm , self hate , suicidal thoughts , n mental abuse . so u don’t have to read this , im just venting .
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          damn . it’s fucking crazy how u can have so many friends tht will say “u can talk to me” n “i’ll always be there for u” , n yet when your mental health begins to spiral n u need them the most , somehow you’re being overdramatic or a waste of time [both of these i’ve been told to my face] . when i was practically SCREAMING for help , no one cared . i would cut every day , 2-3 times a day . i HATED myself . i felt so fucking unsafe and paranoid bcs of my mentally abusive grandma tht stalks me . every single feeling tht she instilled into me as a child ; worthlessness , never being good enough , unworthy of love . it all just resurfaced when she showed up at my skool unannounced which led to my first panic attack . i would cry in the bathroom stalls every fucking day , praying tht someone would notice tht i wasn’t ok n would help me . but no one fucking did . n i almost killed myself in February . but thank god i fucking didn’t . i saved myself . i rescued me . all by myself . i don’t know how tf i did it , but i did . n i better not EVER see a bitch from my skool come up to me n tell me “why didn’t u say anything ? i could’ve helped” . thts why im saying fuck them while they still around to hear it from my fucking mouth . but nah thts it , n u didn’t have to , but if u read it all , i appreciate u listening to me vent . bye !

soooooooooo .... i got my first boyfriend ... n ngl , idk how to feel lol . like it doesn’t even FEEL like im in a relationship {i mean i wouldn’t know wut tht feels like cuz i’ve never been in one}