𝔰𝔩𝔢𝔢𝔭𝔩𝔢𝔰𝔰𝔯𝔞𝔱

The house is quiet
          Is everyone gone?
          I walk to my mother's room
          Expecting to see her cold presence
          An absent shell of someone I vaguely know
          But it's him
          Lit only by the light of her computer
          "Come here"
          His voice is calm
          That's never good
          But I do as I'm told
          He takes me onto his lap
          To show me
          "You see what your mother has been looking at?"
          It's her search history 
          "So it's like a prison?"
          After explaining, I'm confused
          Why would my mother want to send him to prison
          His voice is shaky, I can hear it now, and I'm scared 
          He's mad
          He stands me up
          Turns me to face him
          "You know what I feel like doing to your mother?"
          A hit
          To the face
          With his first
          Is what he felt like doing to my mother
          I guess I was a good enough fill in
          Maybe 
          Maybe that's why she wants him to go to prison 

The house isn't too small
          But the rooms are
          Limited atleast
          My mother hates him
          She wouldn't share with him
          She shares with my sister 
          He shares with me and my other sister
          Mattress on the floor
          He shares that with me too
          His laptop on his lap
          I don't need to open my eyes to see what he's watching
          I've seen it before 
          My legs 
          My thighs 
          My ass
          He pulls his disgusting hand away 
          Was it his conscience 
          Or my mother coming in
          She's mad 
          He says nothings wrong
          He was just watching 
          I'm still "asleep"
          Too scared to move seems to always be my sleep
          Pls let me sleep in my sister's bed again
          Why does nothing change mother
          Why do u rant on the phone
          Apologise later in life
          But let it happen again and again 
          U cant take that away with apologies 
          I'm not mad
          You went through it too
          I'm mad at myself
          For remembering so well
          For keeping my eyes closed 
          Even more mad
          For having gaps in the memory
          So they can be filled in when my eyes are closed again
          Left to wonder if they're lies or the gaps coming back to me 

"your mother had put it in ur head that this is wrong" 
          "I just don't want u to do it anymore"
          I'm old enough now to know what it means
          And that it's not right
          I hate that leather couch
          I hate the feeling of it on my bare legs 
          It's cold
          His hands are warm, in the least comforting, sickening way imaginable 
          I want out
          I refuse 
          To let him touch me
          You have to shower
          Now
          "There's nothing wrong with this" 
          Of course I couldn't do it alone
          Atleast he's not touching me
          Only himself
          The steam doesn't cover the image 
          Not of me
          Not of him
          I shouldn't have vivid memory 
          Of him naked
          Especially the memory from a child's mind
          It's my sister's turn to shower 
          He doesn't leave the bathroom
          Maybe I should be relieved
          Of course I'm not 
          She shouldn't have to see that 
          No child should 

I'm lying still
          Was I always awake
          Or did the sound of him stumbling wake me
          He's drunk again
          "Fuck. I pissed on the fucking floor" 
          I'm not surprised
          He's falling into walls
          But I'm scared
          He's stumbling 
          I'm still
          I'm scared
          He's in my doorway
          Standing
          Watching
          I'm glad
          He's not at my sister's room
          She'd be more scared than I am
          She's probably already more scared 
          Than I am
          Will he come touch me?
          I wouldn't call it a kiss, but he'd do it where he shouldn't 
          And I'd keep my eyes closed
          Maybe he'll just take a picture 
          Maybe he'll just keep standing there
          Making me wonder when I can breathe again
          When I can stop fearing for my life
          Never know when he'll snap completely
          He's threatened 
          To take my life 
          "That'd sure get back at ur mother"
          He's gone 
          Pls don't be watching my sister
          She's fragile
          She can't take away the pain
          Not in the ways I've found
          He's gone
          In this moment atleast
          But it replays 
          When I close my eyes again
          I'm there
          I cant move 
          He'll hear me
          He'll see me
          Everytime I close my eyes
          I hate having to close my eyes 

Why does it hurt so much

Fuck this shit fuck it I hate it I hate everything fuck it

I should just do it 

I've hit rock bottom again and as usual I'm completely alone 

I thought when u were gone it'd be over but ig there's no escaping 

Was so close to sharing so so close