Arianna

wow this is crazy I haven't been back here in fucking ages lol. Its funny cos I used to use this as a bit of like a public diary where I could just scream and get my feelings out and when life got better for me I stopped using it to the point where I forgot about it. So yeah I figured I'd just leave an update to say I'm okay now.

Me and my boyfriend broke up. He lied and our trust is gone but I shouldn't have been rude about it. I miss him with an ache in my heart. It hurts. But we were never meant to be and I knew we wouldn't work out. He was where I hid from the world and he made me feel less alone. He was like a drug that made me feel alright except then I realised the danger and quit. *sigh* I do hope I didn't hurt his feelings though.

Me and my bf had our first argument. My anxiety is through the roof rn and I feel really guilty even though we sorted it out. None of my friends are messaging me back and I barely slept last night and I feel sick from stress and tiredness.

I fell down a rabbit hole of a new hyperfixation and made a whole load of new friends. Somehow even stumbled into a relationship.
          I'm doing better now
          I just wanted to post a little update. 

I feel so misunderstood at the moment. Like everything is opposite. I don't really know how to explain it but I'm not mad or upset or even irritated. I guess I don't understand myself either. And none of my words are coming out as I mean them.
          Effectively I feel like my personality atm is silence

I got a letter from him today.
          A letter from my mothers ex. My ex-step-dad.
          Attempting to apologise for the mental abuse he put me through.
          How he thinks a letter will make up for the years he spent crushing my soul I don't know.
          What's worse though is that at the bottom he crossed out the words: I really am sorry.
          
          WHAT THE FUCK????
          
          I don't know whether to laugh or cry. But I'm not okay. 

I had a dream last night where a group of people stabbed the postman delivering my parcels. Then tried to kill me. I shut the door quickly and called 999. I didn't manage to get through to speak to anyone so I hung up.
          My mum went round the back and attacked the attackers with a wooden spoon and rolling pin.
          Here is the part that doesn't make sense. My ex-step-dad was there and he went out the front door with a knife.
          They were loosing both fights badly so I grabbed a shovel, stepped outside and smacked the first attacter I saw round the head with it. She appeared to have died.
          All the other attackers back off and start screaming at us. "you killed my daughter",
          "you killed my friend" blah blah blah. So my ex-step-dad shouts back "you shouldn't have attacked us" blah blah blah.... Meanwhile I'm crying because I realised that I had just killed someone. And I felt so bad.
          Anyway 3 cops turn up in a truck and see what's happened. All of the attackers bar the girl's mother all run for it. The police have a helicopter in the sky watching and following the attackers.
          I explain what happened through sobs and I tell them I am guilty of killing the girl with knives.
          The girl then weakly wakes up and asks who's dead. An ambulance comes for her but her mother doesn't get to go with her. There is a n argument.
          Then I suddenly realise the policeman is missing. He's gone. 
          
          And that's when I woke up. 
          

I've had a terrible week. Yesterday was just awful and Tuesday was horrible and Monday was just nothingly.
          Today was better though. I had my second councilling session at college and I'm beginning to get some work done.
          I'm concerned about my friends though. Everyone seems to be really down and idk why. Maybe it's just because it's the end of the week. Yes I finish on a Thursday not a Friday. I'm lucky. 

I wish reality wasn't a thing sometimes 

I thought halloween was supposed to be fun. Instead people are telling me that I am too old for it. And because of this social anxiety and depression caused me to break down and cry. Please, be kind. Let people do what they want without judgement. Because you have no idea what is going on in their head and how your one comment could make them feel.
          TPWK
          XOXO