@artorialii
psa: im depressed but i've been for quite a while now, while my posts might be concerning it would suck more to suppress my thoughts and feelings, and if im letting it out im more than likely not breaking down over it irl. do not worry about me. im no longer active on this account but i usually circle back around, i want it known wattpad is a very private place for me and i don't like confrontation. thank you for reading.
im in the midst of my 4th mental breakdown of today. my life has been a living hell for over 8 months now. i had a year of peace before this. before that year was a different kind of hell that lasted 8 months. i have nothing now. i have nothing inside me that wants to wake up, or to smile, or to pretend that things will change. people keep telling us it will, but other people are the reason we ended up like this. i would never treat anyone the way ive been dealing with for what feels like forever. i wouldnt let my worst enemy end up the way i am. my baby brother doesnt deserve this.
the girl that threw me away three times but i kept letting back in messaged me last night. she didnt reply within an hour when i messaged back so i blocked her. she used to ignore me and leave me on read for weeks. i never thought id be this powerful.
i wish my dreams were my reality.
I WAS ENOUGH. IVE HAD ENOUGH. I HAVE TO WORK FOR MY FAMILY TO HAVE A PLACE. I HAVE TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE WHO LET US DROWN. I CANT BREATHE AND IM NOT FUCKING SELFISH. IM HURTING.WHY DOES NO ONE FUCKING CARE LIKE I WOULDVE BEFORE ALL OF THIS HAPPENED. I SPENT ALL OF MY LIFE ON THE WRONG PEOPLE. i want people in my life who want to be human, not heart breakers.
i pushed myself for a boy. i tried but i didnt fall in love with him. i felt too lost and when i told him that his reaction made it clear he wasnt right for me. he calls me a setback now. nothing to worry about. he referenced me as a negative person. how could i not be negative when we dont have money, rent is two weeks late and i spent christmas, a holiday that was such a line for me, in the exact place i swore i wouldnt be months ago? i dont feel good. i feel so alone. i have nothing. everything he blamed me for could be proven differently if i had any energy left. but calling me negative. i think its a soul rotting comment bc i tried. i tried so fucking hard but i cant help it if life is trying to kill me.
unbelievably sad. fell in love with a girl who claims she was never loved. fell in love with a person who said i wasnt enough. feel like even if i tried i could never actually love. feel like no matter who it is they wouldnt know who i was. lost. mad. tired. unbelievably sad.
how can your heart be broken if youve never loved someone? go cry a river, god knows you want someone to drown
Im sorry we dont talk more, im sorry i dont make an effort to. I miss you like crazy but im so mad at you for what you did to us, to me. you were my best friend and it kills me you still are. most of all, im sorry i ever thought i was enough for you.
also i am so sick of every aspect of my life being shit and trying to see the bright side well guess what the bright sides arent bright enough and i want to die
