triple_d_dude
salutations! how do you do, fine gentleman?
asters-and-petunias
asters-and-petunias
@sochathedragon hii, you wanter to talk about something?
NONBINARY-GWORLYPOP
Hi blues <3
kittycatnyxx-
blue, i saw your messages, couldn't fully read them because i am going on YET ANOTHER TRIP?!!
ugh
but i'll read and respond when i get back in like 3 days
love youuuu
kittycatnyxx-
btw i said what i want to say, so can respond if you want
love you
kittycatnyxx-
i've been thinking (more like obcessing) about it for like a week, and the more i think about it, the more i think i have an abnormally strong connection to wolves. they're just so majestic and beautiful and powerful and smart, everything i wish i was.
but... i don't exactly feel LIKE a wolf. I more feel like i want to be one, if you know what i mean. (I don't even know what i mean.) They sound similar, but i feel like i'd be lying if i called myself a furry or a therian.
And i don't even know which means which, and i feel uneducated, and... kinda undeserving of either term if i don't know a thing about either...
i just feel so oblivious and stupid. i should know a lot about who i am/want to be, but i know zip.
ugh.
and then there's a slightly... weirder aspect of my conundrum.
On my trip, on the first or second day of my considering my identity, my great aunt let me and my cousins buy something at the Yellowstone Gift Shop, and i bought a little wolf stuffed animal, because i wanted to prove to myself that i 'deserved' to be a furry or therian.
but then i started trying to make an identity for the wolf, to make it who i would be if i were a wolf. So i named them Calypso (because i'm obsessed with that name <33) and she's a genderfluid wolf. He has three names, each with a different gender identity. Cal is his most male form, Calypso is their most gendernuetral form, and Cali is her most female form.
At first i was kinda happy at my own BrAiNiNg *sparkles* but then i thought, if who i wanted to be was a real thing, then I couldn't be it too?
idk.
that's all i'm gonna say for now. there's a lot more, but i can't figure out how to put it in words.
thank you for dealing with me heheh
i can get kinda intense when i go through dysphoria
sorry
i love you
that's it
kittycatnyxx-
@asters-and-petunias sorry, a lot to respond to, I'll respond later when I'm on a computer. I love you.
asters-and-petunias
@sochathedragon it's nice to be able to share my strange beliefs with someone who gets it because I don't really have anyone else. my family are christian and I wouldn't tell them anyways because I don't trust my family but that's besides the point. I've talked to mud about them before but I don't think they really understand cuz she believes that when you die, you just cease to exist. maybe that's true, but I don't like the thought of that. it's too depressing. my beliefs give me something to live for. aster is everything to me. it's a bit harmful to me though. I dont know who I am anymore. where do I draw the line between whoever I am and aster? and it hurts me that I'm not aster. it hurts so much. I'm nothing without aster. anyways, I hope that when I die, I will become aster. maybe think of it as lester turning back into apollo. I haven't gotten that far yet, but I assume he does turn back into his godly self because the series ends. me and aster is quite different to lester/apollo but it make you understand better? quadrobics is walking/running/jumping etc on all fours. it is exercise, yes, but it's fun and makes me feel like a cat. you can pretend to be a wolf when you're doing it if you'd like. I always pretend to be a cat when I do quadrobics cuz it's more fun that way. here's a tutorial/explanation by amber. they're really cool https://youtu.be/dKKBeiMyg6A?si=W4ZpgIu_Nd7YZNdJ don't worry, not all alterhumans shift!! you're still otherhearted if you don't shift. and maybe you have shifted and didn't realise it. have you ever felt like a wolf before or swore you had a limb that wasn't there (a tail, four legs, etc.)? even if you haven't, it doesn't matter. you're still otherhearted and you're still an alterhuman
kittycatnyxx-
i might be a furry or a therian?
kittycatnyxx-
so...
kittycatnyxx-
@bluebirdd- hey blue <33 i really don't feel like coming back on for some reason, it's only really you that i trust with what i want to tell you. I feel like it i tell everyone else, i'll feel like i'm lying. With you, i can get advice and vent, but with everyone else, they'll be like, "I'm so happy for," or "congrats on coming out" and i'll feel like i misled them. idk sorry to jump this on you but you're the only person on this stupid site that gets me. love you <33 (i'm gonna tell you what im talking about in a sec, but i'd appreciate if you could wait until i say im done to respond?? idk. i have a lot to write and i want to have to time to write it all.) but anyway. thank you for being a great friend, and i'm sorry to force you to listen to my identity dysphoria XD
kittycatnyxx-
@asters-and-petunias thank you. thank you so much. also, omg, SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS- i mean, i came out to my cousins, and i expected coming out as a possible furry therian would make it feel easier, but it just made me feel like i was lying to them somehow...
asters-and-petunias
@sochathedragon hey soch <3 yeah, I get that. coming out/revealing anything to people always feels too final. that's why I was so nervous to announce I was genderfluid. I was scared that I'd realise it had been a mistake, and then I'd awkwardly have to explain that I'm not genderfluid and then people might accuse me of being a fake or something. thankfully, I'm pretty confident I'm genderfluid now. I still doubt myself sometimes though. sorry for ranting, this isn't even snout me. I understand that. I don't like when people start responding before I've finished everything, because I don't want them to jump to conclusions. I need to be able to explain everything first before you react. that's why I like texting mud at night. she's usually asleep or off her phone since i stay up unreasonably late. don't be sorry. I love a good rant. I love to rant and I love to listen to people rant. I love to read rants. I love long messages, long conversations, long phone calls. sorry I'm going off topic again. anyways, I'm happy to listen to (or read ig) what you have to say. I love you <3
kittycatnyxx-
but anyways hiiiii