ꫀׁׅܻ꯱ׁׅ֒ᝯׁɑׁׅ֮℘ꪱׁׅ꯱ׁׅ֒ ꩇׁׅ݊

I wonder, will I actually fall in love if I man treats me nicely? Because I can't see myself being in that situation. 

Entahlah. 
          
          I'd rather be hurt and overwhelmed by the feeling of singleness rather than because of my significant other. 
          
          From what I've observed so far, an unhealed person can only get so much pain from a relationship. 
          
          Because they depend too much on it. On the uncertain relationship, to heal them. 
          
          Why not try to be stable first instead of jumping to something that can't guarantee you anything?
          
          Honestly, am I being mean? Am I being judgmental right now? I'm sorry. I just don't understand. 

I wish I can try my hardest. 
          
          Maybe this is just an excuse but I really can't do it. 
          
          No matter how hard I try, I feel like it's just nothing. It seems like I'm not even trying. 
          
          Must be hard to be around me. Must be hard to even look at me. It must be hard to see how lifeless I am, just breathing and not trying to be better at all. 
          
          

Im so tired

It's so hard when I felt a distance from someone and the distance stay even as we talk. 
          
          I never know I'm this kind of person. 
          
          I mean, I might be someone who forget what you did the day after and I'll act like nothing happened. I'll no longer take it seriously. We're back like the second before you hurt me. 
          
          But when someone didn't even do something to hurt me. Just creating a distance, just being different or not acting the same to me the way they do others, I became distant as well. 
          
          And it's reaalllyyyy hard to be close. 
          
          Though the same thing happened when I created a distance in my mind, it's also hard to be close with them. 

I'm a simple girl. If you speak or write in english like you've work hard to be that fluent, I will like you

I wanna know deep inside, if transgenders ever regret their choices.
          
          Like maybe once, just a flicker? On a hot minute? For a milisecond?
          
          Do they ever miss being what they are before? 
          
          

I think I understand why people become alcoholic. Because it's probably easier to be in certain situations while drunk. And there's too much to take while we're sober. 
          
          Emotions, feelings, guilts, regrets. 
          
          I surrender. 
          
          I'm effed up. 
          
          But please, semoga aku nda jadi alcoholic. Don't worry guys, I never even touch that kind of foods or drinks. 

Entahlah. If you asked me what is going on in my life, I would just shrug it off or something. I don't know anymore. I'm emotionally numb. But whatever. 

"I love you."
          
          "No, you don't."
          
          "What else should I do to make you believe me?"
          
          "You don't love me. You're in love with the idea of me that you have in your head. You're in love with whatever we could be but it's not going to happen with the real me. You're in love with the potential of us but I am not who you think I am!"
          
          "How can you be so sure? How are you so confident? Did you live in my head longer than I am?!"
          
          "Because it's true! It's always ended up like that?!"
          
          "No, it doesn't! If I am in love what I imagined you to be, then you're scared with whatever you have in your mind! And neither of it happened yet! Neither of it have proves that it's true!"