athyeleanor
The reason I don't talk about academic because I didn't try at all.
I have a fear of failure. I'm afraid if I try, it will turn out that I was never good at it.
Since kindergarten, I was a smart kid. Until I enter middle school, I was still considered as smart. But in grade 4, something kinda change.
I don't really remember about my middle school. Especially during grade 2 and 3. Tapi masuk darjah 4, aku pindah kelas kedua.
Wait I just remembered what happened masa darjah 2 dengan 3, now I know why I chose to forget it HAHAHAH.
Anyway, masa itu masih muda kan, bila masuk kelas kedua dan bercampur dengan budak nakal, aku rasa otakku pun berubah.
Kelas pertama pun ada yang nakal, tapi there's a reason they are in the smartest class. They're good in academic.
Yang kelas kedua ini pula, they're full blown budak nakal terutamanya lelaki. And I think I was slowly adapting to it and since memang selalu dipanggil kelas kedua terpandai, I become someone who doesn't try.
Though if I'm being honest, I actually never remember studying hard at school or at home.
Sebab aku budak kelas kedua. But shockingly, I always ended up as a top student in class.
Jadi aku ini macam HUH?! What the heck aku rasa aku pegi sekolah ini mau bekawan seja. Sampai kawan kawanku pun macam tekejut sebab perangai kami sama seja, tapi aku tiba-tiba pula jadi top student ni kenapa.
Itu pun rasanya sebab aku dalam kelas kedua, kalau aku masuk kelas paling pandai, you know I will be on the bottom of the list. Because that's what happened during grade 6.
Ya, aku terpindah balik kelas pertama. And I think that's where my ego was crushed, felt like everyone is looking down at me because I was stupid.
athyeleanor
Masuk form 6, sama jak sebenarnya. I was always like that. Didn't study. Entah. Kenapa ya? What happened?
Salahku kah? I mean, I'm old enough to realised my own priority at that moment.
Is there something wrong with me? Normal kah nda pernah berusaha dalam hidup?
Am I okay? Aduh masa masa ni tetiba teringat what I went through back then. Ah, ndapalah. It's not as painful as my current life.
It's sad. When I think about it again, I was scared. Kesian. Kesian dia dan aku. Rasa macam mau hug diri sendiri dan cakap dekat dia "you're not alone".
Dan bila fikir balik juga, aku selalu terfikir "apa hak ku mau rasa sedih untuk apa yang jadi sama aku masa itu".
Without realising, I was still stuck in the past. Rasa serba salahku sebab kurang peka dengan orang sekeliling. Atau di situ, aku belajar distract diri sendiri dari rasa sedih.
Zaman pkp itu, pengalamanku nda seburuk orang lain tapi, masih sakit. Masih berbekas. Aku yang sekarang ni, berpunca dari semua itu.
athyeleanor
I was a probably a good student just because I didn't break the rules. Tapi secara keseluruhannya, aku bukan budak pelajar yang betul-betul bagus.
Sebab aku nda buat kerja sekolah, never actually study at home to get a good marks in exam. Or is that just what I remember? Did I forget important things?
I never remember studying. Mungkin aku study gitu gitu jak sebelum exam, lepastu jawab exam, keluar keputusan, suddenly I'm kinda good and bad at the same time.
I was pretty average actually. Ada subjek yang perform, ada yang nda. Ergh sumpah what did I even do with my study? Aku langsung nda ingat.
Hmm cuma lepas masuk menengah atas, aduh I don't even want to talk about it. That's where I actually get worst. Bodoh. HAHAHAHAHAH no I don't want to talk about it.
athyeleanor
Argh darjah 6 is a total nightmare. Kau tahu di situ aku betul betul berdoa supaya aku nda duduk semeja dengan budak yang jahat sama aku, tapi ended up bukan setakat semeja, besebelah lagi.
Gila. I actually hate my middle school years. Always full of bullies and bad kids. Just because I'm quiet. Well I know we were kids back then, tapi aku masih benci sekolah rendah.
Masuk sekolah menengah barulah aku rasa boleh bernafas. Di situ baru rasa genuine connection. Ada juga rasa bertanding secara sihat. Masalahnya, aku nda pernah berusaha.
Aku nda tau kenapa, aku malas belajar. Was I traumatised? Sebab aku ingat, aku pernah juga berada di fasa selalu belajar sebab ada buku latihan.
Bila ingat balik, rasa berterima kasih dengan mamaku sebab paksa aku belajar. Mungkin sebab itu aku pandai cikit. Cikit jaklah.
Tapi kan, lepas masuk sekolah menengah, aku rasa macam aku terlepas dari genggaman ibu bapa. Mungkin rebel, puberty hit semua.
It's hard to force me to study sebab tiada buku latihan untuk batch kami, silibus baru. Wow, mungkin masa itu aku rasa macam ada sayap tumbuh dan akhirnya aku boleh terbang.