just an update
i took a step back from the fanfiction community a few months ago, and while i hate to admit it, i've become much, much happier having done so. i needed to reevaluate what was important to me (online, and IRL), and while i cant say i’m at my best, i’m certainly doing better than i was a few months ago. i was struggling a lot for a multitude of reasons, but one of which was that wattpad was no longer a safe space for me. i was no longer able to escape the problems in my real life, and while it sounds stupid having typed this out, it felt like i was at my breaking point and had nowhere to run
my close friends can attest, but i have always been my harshest critic. it got to a point where nothing i was creating felt good enough, and my insecurities only grew stronger when WHSM seemingly blew up overnight. please don’t get me wrong, i am so, SO incredibly grateful for what my followers/readers have given me, but i just hope you can empathise when i say that, at some point, it became impossible for me to differentiate passion and obligation when my 'popularity' grew. i felt horrible and like a fraud for being unable to write when that’s the path i laid out for myself. i felt like i was constantly letting my readers down and it felt easier to wallow in shame than to try and pull myself out of my rut
i miss writing more than you could ever know. i miss being proud of my ideas and being able to connect with people who are equally as passionate about their own. i am tired of exhausting myself when writing should be fun. i’m tired of seeing wattpad and feeling an immense sense of dread because i’ve convinced myself nothing i do is worthy of being seen by people. i want to be better and get back to writing, if not for my current self, than for the 11 year old version of me who fell in love with stranger things in the first place. i’ve poured my blood, sweat, and tears into my works and it’s about time i start thinking about ‘austrxlians’ in a better light
