babysuarus

Thinking about you again...  How I wish I could still hear your voice. I need you in hard times like these that's why I'm glad mom got your listening qualities and your amazing advice. I wish you could've let Chase before you passed you would be so proud of the man I'm with. He's made me so happy.  Please look after Luna for me granny. I know she's in good hands with you. I love you and miss you so much..

I have flashbacks... things I should've said to you while you were still here... oh god how I can still hear you laugh and talk to me just bullshitting on the porch. The littlest conversations I can never get back. The trips we went on... the biggest memory I have I wish I didn't.. it was your last breaths and how we all sung yoou your favorite song from journey by your bedside... I couldn't stop crying to even key the notes correctly... I'm just paralyzed by my emotions its gotten to the point where I cry for a good minute and then just sit there and listen to that song on repeat, hearing my off-tune voice wishing I would've sung it better because you loved hearing me sing... I am not sure if ill ever be fixed... I miss you like fucking crazy...

The thoughts and cravings are eating me alive... Yet again another bruise to cover from the world...

I don't think I've ever been this depressed in a while.. I'm broken and can't be fixed anymore. He just doesn't get it. People say he must be blind, I think he is just afraid of getting hurt once more... And so am I .. I don't wanna loose him but I feel him slipping through the creases of my fingers and theres nothing I can do about it anymore but watch how it plays out... I need him more than a fish needs water... He's my drug and he is my whole world... 

Addictions and Cravings come and go. Lately they've been bad... and just thinking about me picking up a needle is making me so depressed... I'm not really sure what to do. I think I might relapse... If i do hopefully it'll kill me because I am nothing. I will always be nothing there's no changing that... I've been nothing since the first time I shot up. I know there is no getting over this addiction I'll always want it. Maybe I should just do everyone a favor and go back to it....

I feel so broken.. I can't even keep myself together anymore I've tried to glue the pieces together but it's like they keep falling apart.. today is a really bad day , I barely had any energy at all to wake up. Thought I was done this time I'm just starting to not care about myself worse than ever before. I don't know what to do anymore... 

A family isn't suppose to make you cry and feel like you're completely worthless... that's not what a family is for... they're supposed to love and care for you when you're feeling down... I feel like I'm drowning and I can't stop it anymore I'm spiraling downwards and can't help it. I cry so much anymore I didn't even know you could produce this much tears and sadness. It's to the point where I wanna pick back up a blade and start my evil obsession again... 

When you loose the one you cared about so much all you feel is numb. It's been two days and I can't get past this numb feeling. Whenever I think about him my stomach turns and gets tied into knots. I can't even be around him which is hard because then I can't spend time with my sister. I just don't get it. How could I let this happen? I was so happy then one day it all changed. I was feeling suffocated. And now I can't take back that choice.... I cried myself to sleep both nights. I was so happy to spend my birthday with him but now I'm not going to. What if maybe he never wanted me? Who knows. Because all I can think about right now is how my world is falling apart. 

I'm struggling.... I don't know what to do... Did I over judge this? Can I ever leave him, or will he always be the one who has my heart... It seems that hes the only one my mind has when i get sad. Its screaming his name and I don't know what to do anymore...

Finally can say I dropped my heroine. It took me a while but it finally happened. It only took me over dosing and soaking in the poison for months just knocked out. But then I saw this beautiful lush and I jumped to that. I honestly have never been this happy I don't know what I'd do without it. It's made me a better and healthier person than when I would just die a little bit each day. Thanks marijuana!!