Vampire Bunny

I have this irrational fear that weighs on my heart every time I look at a baby. Growing up, I was taught to be the "perfect wife." I learned to cook, clean, take care of babies. I learned to be patient with my husband. I learned that he has needs. I learned that to be a woman, I needed to have a husband and bare his children. And enturn I resenting it. I would curse my mother telling her I don't want to be a wife. How I didn't want children. I was so angry, and my anger was misplaced that I cursed at myself, saying, "I wish I was infertal." I was 13 when I first said it. Now that I'm 20, I love children. I always had, but my older friends are getting married and having their beautiful babies. I would look at their beautiful faces, and I dread that I can't have one of my own. I felt like I cursed my uterus so much that I can't have one. Like a self fullied prophecy.
          
          But I'm too scared to find out. What if I'm right and can't have any. What if I can't have my little girls and baby boy. What if I never see their face into existence. Never feel in my arm. Or hear their laughter. What if those dreams stay dreams. The only time I see my babies is when I fall asleep and die every time I wake up. I don't know if I can bear that pain. Idk if I want to. I'll take the struggles of being a mom, but please don't make me be infertal. Please, I beg you, God, don't make me infertal. 

No one prepares u on how to handle mutual breakups that ended on terms where u still love each other. No one told me a long-distance relationship could take such a toll. I knew love couldn't pay the bills, but I didn't know it didn't hold a relationship together either. 
          
          I crave their touch, their kiss, their love, and their lust. But it's so far away that my memories can't feel those things now when they were here for a moment in time. I miss them. I miss us. But I can't be with them like that again. I can't have this stupid phone be my only communication with them. I can't keep video chatting while my heart dies a little inside. I can't wait anxiously by the phone waiting for a text message anymore. I can see the pain in their eyes. Slowly dulling as they stare back in mines.
          
          I want to be able to lie in bed together and share our deepest desires. I want to have dates and fun interactions with one another. I want to feel their skin on mine as we both reach ecstacy. I want to be greeted with backhugs and open mouth kisses. 
          
          But I can't. So much is in my way. So much obstacles to overcome, and I'm trying. Lord knows I'm trying, but it's not enough.  I don't want to keep saying, "Oh soon, I promise,"or "Next time, I swear."  I want to be with them, 
          but how when it feels like so much is against us. Against me. 
          
          I pray one day I can get the chance to finally be with you again, mi amor. I just hope it won't be too late until then.

Today I had to decline my friend's wedding invite and I had to fight the urge to cry in the car. All because I have a mother that holds on so tight, she's slowly suffocating me. Do you understand the feeling of watching everyone's life go on and u can't move? Do you understand how it feels to stop getting invites to hangouts and events because they already know my mom’s answer is no? Do you understand the pain? I can die today and not have much to show for. All because she won't let go. She didn't even have to tell me directly. The answer was no. She was so set that I'd get murdered, rape, or just die from the plane ride. She already knew I wasn't smart enough to handle myself as if she said she didn't raise me well. She already knew I was too stupid to not know what to do and what to expect and just immediately fell to my doom. And no one is advocating for me. So I stop trying. If I get an invite, I don't even acknowledge it. If I want to desperately go somewhere, I just turn over in my bed and pray for the day to be over. I cried so many tears because everyone is living their life's to the fullest, and I couldn't even go outside to grab the mail. All the pretty clothes I bought are just rotting away and all the asking and pleading ceased. So here I am, laying in bed crying because it's the only thing I have left. The only place I can go. 

I thought I was ready to be ur friend. I mean I am but I wasn't ready for the stuff after it. I wasn't ready to hear u say u don't love me like you used to anymore. I wasn't ready to hear u immediately tried dating after we broke up. I wasn't ready to hear you actually found someone. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to cry so many tears. I wasn't ready to cry and cry until I couldn't anymore. Instead I did what I was ready for, being your friend. I was happy because you were happy. I was supportive because that's what u need. I tried and tried to be okay with everything. But I couldn't help but cry even more.
          
          It wasn't even about how or why we broke up. It wasn't even that you found someone new. I'm crying because of all the plans we didn't get to do. All the promises we made. All the declaration we claimed. I'm crying over what ifs and unsaid things. I'm crying over things I can't say anymore. I can't say it without my heart feeling compressed. I can't even look at you without my eyes tearing up and a soft but pitiful smile forming. Not for you tho but for me. 
          
          I pity myself. I pity how I can't move on. I pity how many days, weeks, month, I cried nonstop. I pity myself for putting u in front of me. I pity myself and I want you to know. But I can't. I won't. 
          
          I keep my silence, I keep my secrets. I swallowed them with the feeling of acid sliding down and tightness of bob wired around my throat. I rather suffer in silence than make you feel guilty for my problems. This is my mess for me to clean not yours. So please live your life happily and beautiful. I'll just be here for you drowning ever so quietly.
          
          
          

Life feels so weird rn for me. 2023 felt like a fever dream that actually gave me a fever. 2024 isn't starting all that great either but I try to push through it lol. I try to feel the emotions and then let it go but idk. I was never really good at explaining to myself what emotions I feel, which I find rather peculiar. I'm a very expressive person but sometimes I, myself, don't understand my emotions. I feel too much. I love too much. I crave and envy. I cry and I weep. I laugh and I scream. I wish I didn't sometimes. But sometimes I don't. Ik I will experience the feeling of life around me. I will love to my heart content. I will crave and envy with my whole body. I will cry and weep until I create a ocean. And I will laugh and scream until the last bit of atoms of air exits my body. For I am a very expressive person and sometimes I, myself, don't understand my emotions.