VampBunnyyy

Nothing sucks more than listening to music and daydream about you. Every song, every melody, all I see is you. I see you hugging me. I see you kissing me. I see you touching me. And then I open my eyes and see the dark ceiling. I feel delusional trying to see you in my mind. I miss you so much that I find comfort in our memories, and then I wake up crying, missing you more. I can't tell if I hate loving you or if I love hating me. Either way, it doesn't matter as long as I see u in my mind. Will I ever get over someone I planned my whole life with? In my mind, we did everything. We dated, got married, had kids, got old, and died together. But the reality is we broke up, we don't talk, we're strangers, we grow apart, and idk about you, but I'm dying inside. I miss you every day in every way. I still love you with every atom in this world and more. I don’t know what to do anymore. 

It's been 4 months since we broke up. Lost a lot of weight without trying. I can't look much less touch my Nintendo switch without feeling my insides twist in anxiety. I still listen to our shared playlist on Spotify just to feel some sort of connection. I celebrated my 21st birthday without u. Which was the hardest. You were gonna spend some time here for my birthday. I imagine the day was us enjoying a cute mall date like our first date. Then a nice dinner with some red wine. Watch the sunset and go to ur hotel to share a passionate night. I was gonna give u your promise ring devoting my love and life to you because you were the only one for me. But that didn't happen. You never even had the chance to buy tickets. And I sat home alone. 
          
          It's been radio silence, still that I don't know if ur dead, sick, sad, or happy. And honestly, I'm not breaking any contact. You made it very clear that you don't want me communicating with you. And I'm not going to harass your siblings. But I feel stupid hoping u will. I want to see you. Hear your voice, I would kill just to video call you once more. I miss you so much. I don't know how to stop. 

It's been 3 months since our breakup, and it's has been a world wind of emotions. I no longer try looking for your  notifications that will never come. I stopped sleeping and crying in your hoodie that no longer smells like you.I blocked ur account off my other account because ik i would just stalk it. When you run through my mind, it still hurts, but i smile a bit because it means u live on in me. But i still try to grasp for you. Every time I have a small victory, I want to call you up and talk to you for hours like we used to do. Every time I feel sad or lonely, I want to text you. I still want to tell and show you how much I love you. I had a dream that you just looked at me, no words, u just looked at me and embraced me. I woke up sobbing because I felt you. I felt you on my skin, and you were gone. I get angry sometimes. Some days, I imagine seeing u again and just telling you how much I hated you. How you said you'll never leave and did. How u said you want me in your life, but if u did, why are we like. But I know that's me trying to release the anger I feel about myself. Because you did something, i wouldn’t be able to. I know I wouldn't leave. I love you so much that I was willing to keep u in my life until it became toxic. I know I would put u above me every time and kill myself over and over just to have u in my life. And I held that against you for a while. But no matter how much I say I hate you. I don't. I thought if I did, I could move on faster, but it's just makes me numb.  All I can do for peace of mind is just hope you're ok, pray you're not stuck here like me, and that you live a wonderful life. Even if I'm not in it anymore.  

Lol, reading back on all my posts, u can really tell I'm going thru it with all the grammatical errors. I promise I know how to spell and shit. Tho it's not like I post this for anyone or expect anyone to see it. And if u do, omg, that's mad embarrassing ✋️. Anyways this is just a journal and a journey, honestly for myself. 

Acceptance: i understand why they left. I understand them blocking me. I understand I can't control the uncontrollably. I understand we walked and needed two things in the relationship. I still want to move to here and live there for a while before telling them. I want to move because I want to and not to prove a point. I understand I need to show some grace onto myself, and that life happens. I understand I'll have good days and down in deep shit bad days. I just have to live my life and do what I need to do to graduate and move. I understand I might now love like that again, and I understand I will always love them. And I will never stop. 
          
          3
          
          

Bargaining: So many days and nights i laid awake, praying to God that they would come back. Cried my heart out with tears falling uncontrollably, begging for her to come back. Hopeing they'll text me and make it work. To have them take back what they said about not wanting to be in my life. The funny part is i never begged them to stay when we broke up. I grew up with never force someone to be with you, never begging someone to be in your life, sometimes you have to let people go. And I had to, how could I keep them in this loop of break up, cool off, be friends and date again. I couldn't beg for another chance when I already fucked up too many times. But I prayed and I died a little each time I got a notification and wasn't them.
          
          Depression: i always see how other people go through breakups and thought it's not that serious until I got broken up, and it is that serious. The number of times I want to just stay in bed and cry. The amount of time I want to scream for hours to relieve the pain in my chest. To break down every time I found out, they blocked me on everything and found each one like an Easter egg hunt. You know it's bad when they block you on the nintendo. I get so much panic and anxiety attacks throughout the day. I feel numb then sad, then tired, then drained. My life was sucked out of me. To have my future life disappear in an instant. I had to cut my nails short just not to hurt myself from wanting to crawl out of my skin. The amount of insanity I feel, I cried so much I had to laugh. I laughed at myself, and how pathetic I am. I laughed that i might deserve this. I laughed at how sad I was. I laughed so hard that I couldn't tell if I was crying or laughing. My voice no longer felt mine. The laugh was mocking and hollow. Taunting and rough. I never want death more in my life.
          
          2

The 5 stages or grief of my breakup .
          
          Denial: Before the break up, i figure we would break up. I was saying all the wrong this, and i could fix the mistakes that i've made. I wanted more time, but they wanted consistency. Despite it all, despite trying to backtrack my statement because fear was clouding my mind and squeezing me heart. It was over before i could fix it. And i thought i could try so hard to fix it. I thought if i could put some love, a bit of faith, and just certainty of goals i wanted to hit, I could fix what i broke not once but twice. In the process, i broke the pieces even more. 
          
          Anger: It's not even that i have anger towards the, but i also have it towards me. How pathetic do i have to be to to fuck up a relationship over the same argument twice? How can everything in my life be so against me that it makes it  physically so hard to live the life I want with them. How did i prove to myself and them how much of a failure i am? How did i fuck up TWICE? HOW?! HOW?! HOW?! How pathetic and naive i was to think love would hold on for a while until i could come to them. How dare i asked for trust and faith when i wasn't too sure about myself. How dare i subconsciously take and take with nothing to give in return. But then i get so angry towards them. It makes me upset that they asked me to be their gf again, knowing that not much of my situation changed. I'm angry that they asked when i was trying to move on from the first breakup. I'm angry that i fell deeper in love with them. I want to do everything i said I'll want to do, and just show them, i did it. To just move there and rub it in their beautiful face that i did what i promised and disappear knowing I'm out there. To show themi was serious. Just rub it in that I didn't need the help they offered. To prove that i would have done it and that I did it the hard way without them. 
          
          1

I noticed as I reminisced throughout my life that I have never been/ no longer someone's "favorite." I've never been the favorite friend in the friend group, I've never been the favorite daughter, and I'm not someone's favorite person anymore. I only had one person tell me, and now they're no longer in my life. I don't know if I should feel sad or numb about being aware of it. I understand I might not be a "favorite," but I know I'm liked, at least. I know if I pass someone I know, they would hug me, and we would chat for a while before parting ways. Or I would get an invite to hang out once and a while. I don't know what to do with this information. It does suck knowing i was someone's "favorite" for a while until they no longer want to be in my life. It's definitely crushes your spirit. To know I was thought about or to be mentioned without a prompt. To know I was on someone's mind just because. But now they probably want to never hear my name right. Never want to think or speak about me. And honestly i don't know if I could handle seeing them despite them living in my head rent free. I missed being there favorite. I felt needed and wanted. To know they wanted to be around me just because i brought them joy. But now I'm just lonely. Lonely knowing I back to never being the "favorite" friend, "favorite" daughter and especially "favorite" person. 

Mi cielo,
          
          I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for giving you doubt in me. I'm sorry I failed you in more ways than one, mi amor. I pray I can take it all back. I pray I can show you I was serious. I pray I can show you I want you just as much as you wanted me. But I failed you, and now you're gone. You're gone, and I don't know if you'll ever come back. I don't know if I'll ever see you smile again or laugh. I don't know if I'll get to embrace you again. I don't even know if I'll ever see you again. And that's scares me. More than death, more than war. I was so scared in losing you that I eventually did. I lost my best friend, i lost a lover, and i lost my future. I don't care what i have to do, just please, my love, please come back. Please, God, have her come back to me. I keep praying for her to come back. Why won't she come back? I love her more than I love myself. I love her more than my lungs love air. I'm so madly in love with her and I fucked it up.I got her back just to lose her worse than before. How pathetic do I have to be to fuck it up twice. No wonder she left. I failed more than once. I am a fucking joke. This just confirms I am a bad person. Everything I never want to be, I am now. I'm a loveless failure who's the biggest fucking idiot in the world. I deserve this. I deserve this pain. I deserve it all. I deserve to feel numb and dizzy. To have the stress sit in my stomach and hurt my chest. I deserve to feel like I need to scratch and claw out of my skin. I'm punished to keep it in until I can lay in bed and silently cry. To feel every tear fall, wanting to hug and comfort her only to be met with emptiness and a tear stained pillow. I'm sorry. Please, I hope you know I love you more than anything in this universe. Know I will always love you even if you stop loving me. I will love you over and over. No matter how long it takes, I'll wait for you. I can only feel selfish and hope you will, too. Until then,
          
          All my love,
          Bunny 

Nothing hurts more than having a mother who doesn't believe in you. Or, much less doesn't love you. All my life, I wanted her to see me. I wanted and craved for her attention so much that I became unrecognizable. I tried being a good girl. I went to church, I did well in school, I was a good role model for my family, and I cleaned and cooked until I was tired. I hated myself for so long that I had to change for myself. Now I'm not as good at school as I was before. I make mistakes. So, instead of trying to be a good girl, I just try to be a good person. 
          
          But now that I change, I'm not good enough for her. I'm now disrespectful because I can finally look her in her eyes instead of my feet. I didn't get my degree fast enough, so I'm not smart enough for her to brag to people. My favorite part is when she throws my past in my face. Like I don't already feel like a failure sometimes. Or that I don't feel sorry for what I did.
          
          And even with all the shit she throws at me, a tiny voice in my head just wants her to see me. I am an adult who's still a child who wants to be loved by her. To be loved by her mother. Do you know how pathetic I feel, to still want her to just be there. For her to give me the bare minimum to ease my mind and heart. But ik I will wait forever. I would wait and wait until I die. But I can't keep hurting myself to try and pleases her. I can't keep waiting for validation from her. I can't keep waiting for her to believe in me.