GenderfluidPanic

I’m so confused.

When are ya getting high next time??? LOL sry-

Thanks for giving my story a chance and making my day♡

I skipped sex Ed in school, so now I’m watching the series on Netflix.
          
          It’s pretty good, the representation is great and I like the plot.

I want to fire my therapist.
          
          My mom made me start taking CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and I really don’t think I’m benefiting from it.
          I hate opening up to people, I can’t do it. I’m scared of being misunderstood. I’m scared of being gaslit. I’m scared of being told ‘it’s all in my head’. I’m scared of being called an attention whore. I’m scared of not getting any help. I’m scared of being judged. I’m scared of crying in front of someone. I’m scared that they will underplay my emotions. 
          I hate all of the exercises I get told to try.
          
          ‘Try breathing deeply’ I can’t. I physically can’t. I have some kind of breathing issue. Plus, it just makes my heart rate go up. 
          
          ‘Try walking more’ I did. I walked for over 5 hours EVERY SINGLE DAY. It didn’t help. 
          
          ‘Try getting more sleep.’ I did. I was getting a perfect 9 hours with great sleep hygiene. It didn’t help.
          
          ‘Try this medication.’ Didn’t help. I got worse.
          
          ‘Try this medication.’ Still didn’t help.
          
          ‘Try these vitamins.’ Didn’t help.
          
          ‘Take a warm bath.’ That causes me unbearable pain and fatigue.
          
          But I’m too scared to fire my therapist.
          I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
          I don’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings.
          I don’t want my mom to guilt trip me again.
          
          But it costs like $120 per appointment and it doesn’t help me at all.

I keep getting these black-outs in my memory.
          Like… I can’t remember ANYTHING from my childhood, or what I did yesterday or the day before.
          
          I have all these notes I’ve written that I don’t remember writing.
          
          I can’t (easily) remember the names of my family or friends.
          
          
          Or… just stuff that I did today. It’s like those memories are just bricked up behind a wall.
          
          
          My mom says it’s normal, and that I’ll get those memories back. 
          But idk anymore. It’s been over a year of just emptiness.
          
          The only thing I can think of is DID - but it’s just been so hard to get help from my doctors that I don’t want to bring this up. 
          I just don’t think they’ll be able to help me - and that’s assuming that they actually listen to me.
          
          
          Also on my mind, it’s been months since I’ve talked to this one person - who probaly doesn’t fully qualify as a friend, but I don’t really have anyone else - and I’m worried it’s too late now.
          
          Plus, I keep feeling like a shitty person because of stuff I don’t even remember doing.
          
          
          -
          I have no idea what I’ve been getting up to on this app, or who I am, or if something’s seriously wrong with me.
          
          Anyway, I’m going to go rate emojis based on vibes now.✌️