blownthrough

Sophie I’m going to kill you

blownthrough

I told you it would get too much, be too much. I spill and stain and burn. Too much to carry, always too much. Easier to leave because they know my mind will flood the space they took up in my heart, waves crashing against my ribcage, water filling up in my lungs. 
          
          You might find the knees of my jeans dusted with asphalt, you might find me palming the tarmac. Searching for what once was mine. Hoping to find what once was mine.

blownthrough

Take what you want from me, take it all. I’ll beg on my knees, take it from me so they won’t know how badly I wanted it for myself. Let it look like an accident, a crime. Anything to deflect the blame from myself. Take it out of my hands, the burden of responsibility. Let it happen, let it happen.

blownthrough

Remember when you were breaking up with me and you said it’s because you didn’t want me anymore and because I was too much? And when we made love for the last time, you weren’t gentle at all, there was no love at all. You were cruel and violent and you didn’t care one bit that you were hurting me. You didn’t hold me after, you went on your phone then got up to leave for a date with someone else. And I just laid there in pain. Do you remember?

blownthrough

Remember when we said we couldn’t live without each other? That if the other died first, we’d take matters into our own hands so that we’d both go together? That we’d share the same grave together? Do you remember when you said that?