blown through

After finally getting up and out of bed around 2 PM, she asked me what I was going to eat. I told her I might scarf down some of my leftovers after folding my laundry. She looked at me in bewilderment and said, “I wish I could be like that, how are you not hungry?” 
          
          As soon as she asked, her eyes fell off me and onto the kettle she was pouring hot water out of into a mug for her tea. So the question lingered quietly in the air before another topic of conversation pushed it out of the room.
          
          But if she had looked at me for even a second longer, my skin would’ve burst into flames and my quivering lips would fight to hold back the desperation in my voice as I said, “honey, I’m starving”. 

oh my fucking god im losing my god awful mind i need to be put inside a cage what has happened to me im losing my marbles

I wish you had apologized when you still had the time to. I wish you’d done the right thing, that you’d been the woman I thought you were. Maybe some pieces of us could’ve been salvaged if you had. But now you are a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere, whose life I’ll know nothing about but might catch glimpses of in the pictures you post or the songs you add to your playlists. Do I ever cross your mind? Do you miss your best friend? 

I don’t just look away from you, I tear my eyes off of you. Those are not two of the same things. You do not understand what you do to me.

Nothing in you that misses anything in me?

I think if you saw how I spend my days since you left, you’d hate the person I’ve become. And I don’t even have to know anything about what you get up to these days to know that I hate the person you’ve become. So maybe we can skip past the judgement and cruelty and vileness, and maybe you could tell me that you miss me just as much as I miss you. And maybe we could cover up the hurt with one last act of love. Leave each other with somewhat of a bittersweet taste in the mouth instead of whatever the hell it is that we’ve turned each other into. 
          
          I’m not a monster, I don’t think you are one either. I don’t want you back in my life, I just want to know that you’re a real person. That you were once mine to love and mine to lose. I wake up looking at your pillow and wondering if I maybe dreamt those five years up. Could you tell me, please, that it was real? That we were real?

we can meet here :)

when the bottle is empty and I’m drowning in those twilight blues, my silence will be deafening 

and sophie? genuinely what the fuck how are you doing this to me. I would go to jail for ending your stupid miserable ass fucki8hng life dont thin Kiu wouldn’t do it I 100% would bro im so locked in when I want to be you are DEAD SOPHIE DEAD
          
          Im drunk I wouldn’t actually kill you. But I think about it. Killing you then me. 
          
          My go d you fucjing asshgole if I could choose to never have met you I don’t know what id do because god I loved you I loved you I really fuckijng did and everyone knew it and everyone saw it and YOU THREW IT ALL AWAY I CAN NEVER FORGIOVE TYOU FOR THAT

and you know what i think? i think it should be illegal for you to walk around with eyes like that and a smile like that. do you have any idea what you do to me? my stomach has been doing somersaults every time I've thought of you for the past few months. 
          
          I hope you know that you're going to kill me. Don't even try to deny it, I still remember the way you taste. What I would give to feel your lips on mine again. 
          
          And you look at me with those eyes that are so full of conviction and it gets me so hot with desire, god I wish I didn't have eyes. 
          
          I remember the time I knew I was done for when it came to you. It was the first time I met him, we were at the library and I was saying something and I was looking at you and your smile reached your eyes before your lips and I felt my heart stop in my chest and I knew right then and there that you would be trouble for me. 
          
          And he asked me what about you I liked and I just said that you're pretty and honey that's true but my god. My god. I don't think it's fair that you got to taste my fingers but I haven't been able to taste yours. 
          
          I hate you so much for walking around looking as good as you do, smelling as wonderful as you do and smiling as insufferably as you do, you are intoxicating and intolerable and all I want to do to you is too obscene for me to mention here but my god I love you. fuck you, i love you.