.

it's been a year, huh?

I don't really know what happened here, but it made feel v sad.

i miss u

i actually got up to courage to look at the stuff you wrote for me. you were so amazing baby. ): thank you for loving me despite everyrhing wrong with me. ): i don't think. i'm sad anymore. 'm just. missing you all the time ! i saw a really pretty butterfly, the one i told you about? so pretty. you would have loved it !

goodbye san. 
          i fucking love you. 
          more than anything. 
          your cute paragraphs gave me a sense i’m life. 
          but i have to leave. 
          i miss you loads. 
          but the pain will go away once i’m gone. 
          you were my everything san. 
          and you left. 
          i’ll miss you. 
          i love you. 

i love you so much.

yes i messed up, i know i did 
          and i’ve felt guilty about my mistake the second after i made it.
          i loved a lot, and i get why you blocked me
          you had every right too
          so many things remind me of you
          people say certain words and a trigger goes off in my head and i think “San” 
          i can’t hear the song “strawberries and cigarettes” without thinking of your i can’t see marshmallows without thinking of you
          and you know damn well i look through our dm’s every single day crying. 
          i never had the guts to say anything on here, in the chances that it wasn’t right
          but fuck i miss you and admin like hell 
          you were one of the most important people in my life and i want you to know, up in heaven, that i will love on loving you for the rest of my life. 
          from your jellybean,
          Rose. 

it always hits me that you're gone 
          everytime i hear your name. i just
          can't believe it. an angel we all knew
          has gone and i feel like i did nothing
          to help, i wish i could've at least 
          helped. 
          
          if there is something i regret, it was not
          talking to you sooner. 

i hope you're sincerely resting in peace, bubba.
          you deserve it more than anyone i know.

i just logged on again, and suddenly it all hit me.
          you're REALLY gone. 
          and it stinks, you know?
          it stinks.
          i don't really know how to describe how much of
          an amazing friend ; an amazing human being you
          are - were - in words. but i'm going to try, for you. 
          after this message, i probably won't write on here
          anymore. because as much as it would bring me
          comfort, it would also bring me loads of pain.
          you see, knowing that you're never coming back?
          that all of these messages will never been seen
          by you? that hurts. your mind was and will always
          be beautiful, choi san. you complimented that one
          person - i forgot who it was, but you spoke about 
          them all of the time. you were so fascinated by
          them, and i only wish you were here to continue
          to tell me just how amazing they are. fuck, what 
          am i doing. what. am. i. doing. everything is a lot
          harder without you here. nothing feels right. 
          but hey, i know that if you were here, you'd tell
          me to keep going. because regardless of how you've
          ever felt, that's always what you do. tell others to
          keep going. to smile. and i will always fucking admire
          how selfless you were, my love. thank you. 
          thank you for being here, for being my friend.
          even if it wasn't for forever.