Not Active Anymore

I’m happier. I still feel guilt. I miss being numb. I miss smoking a cigarette just to feel something. I love my girlfriend. I love my partner. But I miss being alone and in pain.

This is me signing off as an author :) My work is not that great but a lot of people have enjoyed my stories so I will leave them all published :)
          
          I’m okay. I will continue to use this as my safe place to post my emotions but other than that no more stories coming from me :) Thank you to everyone that read my work :))

1 year ago today my heart shattered into a billion more pieces when my first love got into a car accident that put her in a coma… my heart shattered into a billion more pieces afterwards when my mum told me she doesn’t want me to be gay when I came out to her to explain my pain… and now 1 year has passed and my first love is dead and my parents still cannot accept the fact that I am gay

i can’t get you out of my head… do i want you? or am i just lonely?

things i wish i could tell you since you walked out of my life:
          
          -i’m happy that you have been reaching your goals
          
          -your aesthetic changed… i’m happy you’re more confident
          
          -i know we had basically nothing but i felt something and it’s been months and i still can’t stop thinking about you…
          
          -i try so hard not to think about you…
          
          -i try so hard to not read through all our messages… since the first day we started talking… i still have them all of them
          
          -i try to avoid your workplace but the times i do go it’s because i want to see you even if i get nervous and my stomach turns whenever i see you… 
          
          -did you see me that day? at your work? did you avoid me on purpose? you didn’t even call out my name when my order was ready… i tipped big like a dumbass too…
          
          -did you see me that day? when you drove to my city? that 1 hour drive from your place to my area… did you see me? i tried to not be seen because i wanted to just watch from afar but you kept looking towards my way… your eyesight sucks but idk… but i’ll admit here… i drove 3 hours back to that city just so i could see you…
          
          -whenever you post i contemplate whether or not i should like it… and yes i overthink about your posts…
          
          -i still think about everything you said… from the meaningless conversations we had to what you said when you wanted to end things…
          
          -did you ever feel something for me too? or was i the only one? because i get attached easily…
          
          -i wish you well… i need to let go… but if i’m gonna be honest here… every time i try to date again… i look for your qualities now… you used to be the complete opposite of my type but now i look for little pieces of you in other people… which is wrong but… i haven’t gotten over you yet

things i wish i could tell you:
          
          -i got tattoos now… remember when you said they’d look good on me… ya you were right
          
          -i still skip class a lot but these days i can’t run to auntie bcuz she moved to cali… she left me here but i moved up north anyways far from the city with our memories
          
          -i found my self confidence again… remember when we first met? my lowest… ya i’m not that person anymore
          
          -i’m happier… kind of… someone still bothers me and well my happiness fluctuates whenever i see something from her… but overall i’m better
          
          -i’m more positive now :) like i got a 50% on my first exam but i’m proud of it bcuz it was my first in person university exam in a very hard class that will only get harder… and ofc social anxiety, test anxiety yk plays a part as well but i’m proud
          
          -i stopped cooking for myself… i only starting cooking cuz it was for you… so my diet has been mainly salads and sandwhiches but maybe i’ll start cooking again
          
          -i threw away one of our tennis balls but i keep one in my car cuz its for good luck
          
          -i still look for you in the middle of the night when i get cold
          
          -i’m trying to make friends… it’s hard because i’m so used to like dating and not making friends so it’s hard to remember that i’m talking to this person to be their friend it’s kinda stupid lol 
          
          -i still have some of your clothes… washed but they’re your size and the brands you wear… don’t worry even when i hook up with people they’ll never touch your clothes even if it’s their size bcuz to me it’ll always be yours 
          
          -my parents asked about you… still hard to talk about you without getting angry at myself… but i’m slowly getting there slowly very slow
          
          -i sometimes search up your parent’s house and think about getting a plane ticket just so i can hold your urn… stupid but i just wanna hug you
          
          If you read this I’m sorry if it’s depressing. I just miss my ex gf so much. :) Might write a story who knows…

got a blackpink tattoo… and got into an accident… and i’n at my parents’ house :,) they’re gonna kill me

jisoo at dior show  rosé taking shots of tequila before ysl show 
          
          I love Blackpink  Y’all Lisa’s Solo 
          
          Jennie’s existance jk but not jk but uhm Calvin Klein 

damn… make eye contact with me and then purposely avoid me while you work… can’t be professional or civil? i didn’t show up on purpose… i was hanging out with my sister… plus you ended things with me… you ended all the good we had. you stopped everything two weeks before i could even ask you to be my gf… two weeks before all the reservations i had made a month in advance… But ok… thanks for proving me right… this is why i can’t trust people anymore… i thought you were different turns out you’re just like everyone else… this is why i’m never gonna talk to anyone with an IQ below 90… the lack of common sense is disgusting… and here i am talking shit about you… I’m only doing it because I liked you. When i was numb you came into my life to make me feel. But now I feel sick. The eyes you gave me. The tone you had when speaking with your coworker… It saddens me because I didn’t know you’d turn into that type of person… or were you like that in the beginning?

i moved out of my parents place :// idk how i feel about it but i did it :/