Bryan Seah

Hey bryan, couple things. Firstly, you could at least try to go beyond the five senses. Not just touch, sight, sound, etc. But you also have to add more elaborate body language sometimes. You don't have to plow through an entire mental monologue like that, you can just imply. Flesh out your characters more, too.
          Forever mocking you, 
          PH
          Former classmate

I have everything you need~