bella

Today is such a weird day. I got out of bed at almost 12pm and after bursting my teeth and making myself a coffee I immediately got back into bed. I've been feeling so... meh. All day. Haven't cracked a smile or even really talked much. I feel a bit psychotic really. I'm so drained and grey right now. And I had this weird thought that just came out of nowhere, like, if I died today I wouldn't be sad about it. Like wtf. I'm deep into depression today and it's actually scaring me so bad. I feel so much and so strongly, but at the same time I just feel nothing at all and it's like I'm just non-existent and looking down at everyone else as if I'm an angel or a ghost. Disassociation I think. And I'm thinking about so much but without actually consciously knowing it?? Someone call an ambulance because I think I might have a psychotic episode and murder myself...

it's raining really heavily and i'm a teeny bit scared
          
          
          
          Liam you can stop with the water fights now :,)

Being in the older half of a large group of cousins is holding the little ones up when it's group photo time lol

As soon as you say "My child would never," here they come nevering like they never nevered before.

Hi I love your account 

so unrelated but i mis Andy bro </3

this question:
          
          are you a "I'm never going to have kids because I don't trust myself not to fuck them up" child abuse survivor or a "I want kids so I can give them the childhood I never got to have" child abuse survivor
          
          
          honestly, I'm a bit of both. I want to give my future baby the childhood I wish I could've experienced, but at the same time, I don't know if I want kids because I feel like the majority of my life so far has been overshadowed my brothers and deeply affected by unfair responsibility, and I kinda just want to be free when I leave. or idk if I even SHOULD have kids because of everything I've got going on in my head - like what if I fucked them up?
          I think I'd want only one kid. And I'd hope to death it'd be a girl but definitely would be happy either way. but the reason I only want one is because I think it would make things a whole lot easier, and if that child was anything like me, then I'd want to be able to give it as much solo attention as possible. and plus, it would be okay without siblings because i have three brothers (which translates to 3 chances to be an auntie) and I'd constantly be having them and any of their kids over so they'd be super close cousins :) and it'd be awesome to have a little mini-me bestie to hang with, duh 
          
          
          omfg shut up why am i yapping nobody gives af

Omg I watched the first 2.5 episodes of Building The Band and I was crying halfway through episode three ToT 
          
          And I was also thinking insane things like "I could easily run a show like this" bc every time people joined up and decided they'd be in a band together, I'd already predicted it lmao 
          
          But them dedicating it to Liam ToT ❤

YOU GUYS ❤️
          
          @SaraiDietrich4 @Sonya5192 @ur_local_me @Gemi2703
          
          YOU'RE ACTUALLY AMAZING
          
          always voting on my new writing and leaving comments :,) 
          
          thank youuuuu <3

"you're so funny"
          
          thanks my favourite band went from 5 to 4 members TWICE