bella

Hi there Bella, Just checking in. I was reading a book the other day and this quote came to up and it made me think of you. 
          
          Inhale, exhale, it is well, it is well. All of this is a part of the story you will tell.”
          
          I don’t know why that made me think of you, I hope it makes you smile. You are the sweetest person. So much love and light to give. You can do this. I believe in you. “You are braver than you believe , stronger than you seem and smarter than you think  “You matter. You are important and worth so much love and truly I hope you find that in your life. Just know you are loved and cared for.  All you can do is be the best version of yourself, and be proud of how far you’ve come. Be kind to yourself, you’re still growing. It’s okay to feel, sometimes the best stories come from the deepest and darkest places of our hearts that no one really sees. ❤️ I hope this is okay to say. You’ve been on my heart so much. I just want to wrap you in a hug and never let you go. 

there's a girl I work with who's nearly 6 years older than me, and we usually just mess around and sass each other, but more and more lately, anytime I'm having a silent invisible anxiety attack, or I shut down, or I get like, what I call a "depression attack", or I'm just off, she notices. and she always checks up on me, and when I say I'm fine, she looks at me with that "mhm.." totally not convinced look and asks me again and I don't know how to explain it but there's something terrifying and safe all at the same about being fully seen by someone. like... nobody ever can tell when I'm lying about being okay, but somehow she can. and it's really nice... but it also hurts a lot, because if SHE can see it, and we've only known each other for like less than a year, than why can't my parents? why can't anyone see me? how is she the first? and why is it so scary to have nothing to hide behind? I can't shield myself because she sees right through it and it's deeply unsettling and I never know how to answer her questions and I have to try not to cry because it's so startling to suddenly not be invisible, and she SEES it. it's so hard. and it hurts. a lot.

I, oh I
          I'm lost in the time, I don't care for the world outside 
          Oh I 
          You can stay for the night in the palaces of my mind

how my neurodivergence managed to escape the attention of everyone in my family, I have NO idea. like even if they are TOO, and that's why they don't see it as much... I am so different and alternative in every way it's insane. i can't explain it. it is so freaking obvious in every aspect of my life like what. if I saw myself walking down the street or something, I'd know in a heartbeat like my neurodivergent radar would be going OFF

I'm actually getting into writing rn (when I should definitely NOT be, and instead should be doing urgent tafe) and I've come across a name and I don't know if it's weird or not??? and I'm not usually one to go for naming characters (or people lol) after months/seasons but...
          
          October??
          
          has nickname potential. and suits the character I'm creating. opinions??

I really need opinions on something

I'm stressing so bad about nearly overdue assessments piling up that I haven't even started, and a wholeeeee lotta bullsh*t with my toxic af family. So naturally, I did something SO productive and watched all four Hunger Games movies over two nights. And now I'm even more depressed because Finnick. like why.

@bubbasquish09 awww babe don't cry ♥ (though you can whenever you want to, it makes heart lighter). Yes love, just hold onto this thought and never lose it. 
          You just look after yourself alot ❤️

@bubbasquish09 love love and love for you always ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I'm really sorry I haven't been writing (if anyone still cares for my book). I haven't had the brain capacity lately, but I promise I'll try soon.