esquisite haha

my day has turned to fucking ☆SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT☆
          
          
          TW: self-hate, hating myself bc I feel like I can't stop myself from becoming the type of dirtbag I hate the most: a fucking abuser.
          my mom took my headphones away bc i'm not supposed to have them and made my stress worse
          and i'm the asshole
          i'm the one who's turning into an abuser, gaslighting my mom and brother, blaming them for things that happen on my accord
          i hate this i hate this i hate myself i hate everything
          my friend who's like a brother to me called and i wanted to talk to him but she heard me talking and was like "I tHoUgHt YoU wAnTeD tO dO yOuR hOmEwOrK sO bAd" "we wanted to spend time with you and you brush us off and stay on the chromebook for hours for three days and waste all our time"
          "we wanted YOUR company"
          
          and what do i do
          i talk rude
          "your name isn't denari"
          it is now bitch cause i like it
          these are MY fucking headphones
          i have the noise cancelling headphones on atm to calm down and cried silently twice
          my two jax plushies (the official one, bought for me by my grandma, and a crocheted one from my mom) are keeping me company
          
          what a fucking loser I am
          she gave me life
          she gives me everything
          and I'm nothing but a dick
          
          my brother wants nothing more than to hang out with me and gives nothing but love to me
          and I push him away
          
          and my dad...I love spending time with him
          but for some reason I push my mom and brother away more
          I don't know why...
          maybe it's because they're both on my ass about things more than my dad, which could explain why I'm more chill
          but my dad is a patient man
          when he's on his last nerve, it can be scary
          he yells only when he's at his limit, he prefers not to yell
          he yelled today
          I yelled today
          Mom yelled today
          Max yelled today
          My cat just did her own thing as always
          
          and I fucked up again like I always do
          I'm not looking for a pity party
          I'm just venting and looking for help to prevent me from going down a shitty path that would make everyone hate me

GUYS ONE OF MY PARTNERS IS ON HERE NOW HEHEHEHEHE GO FOLLOW HIM HE IS J_BAR004 HEHEHEHEHEHEHHEWEHWHHEH I AM ANNOUNCING IT TO ALL 17 OF YOU I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH

a token of kindness [ 18th july 2023 ] 
          
          insecure poems, confident aches; inspired decades yet everyday a death. stretching silences, concrete words; homes that melt and walls that echo. floating feet, rotten flowers; waves that pause in an ocean that seamlessly flows. 
          
          fluttering thoughts, fiddling feelings; coloured mouths and disappearing promises. hibernating lights and travelling darknesses; lingering lilacs and luminescent shadows. 
          
          minds of pearls, mouths of venom; do not lose by playing to their strengths. corridors of history, weaponsied love; transient nor malleable. fragile loneliness, screaming insecurities;  not every sunset has to be colourful. 
          
          sun of rain, thunders of frustration; mornings like amnesia, cloudless burdens. midday pride, repentance heavy; grief stricken victories, blackbird joys. mansions of footsteps, tears of dreams; we are all graves carrying the dying spark of life in us. 
           #adropofhumanity 

a small token of kindness [ 10th july 2023  ] 
          
          mountains and decorators, exhaustion and evil eye; surviving bones and careless finds. funeral floods and tumbling sorrows; forests and bridges of laughters and morals. feelings migrated, clouds and dresses; that which rains does not always bring about harvest. 
          
          clocks of manners, a road of residences; hearts like maples marked along fences. pictures of politeness, smiles like wounds; world a death of another, burial grounds like jasmine blooms. 
          
          mornings of questions, blurred evening attempts; youth of trial and error, life a honeycomb aged. dreams of wounds, dreams like a father's disappointment; storms like swaying birth, storms sometimes like corpses of discipline.  
          
          disassociated honour, ribbed filters; what binds is not glue, rather, mutual respect. eastern wind and crepuscular billows; howling books and silent words. the majesticness of months yet the solemnity of years; to the hearts that wriggle with pain, silence is delicate, thin ice-like elegance. 
           #adropofhumanity 

BUT I'M STILL ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE

a small token of kindness [ 19th february 2023  ] 
          
          blistering hope and disrupted forces, stomach of dirt and howling cresses; scraping blossoms and sunken springs. hollowed harvests, assaulted reaps; jeopardised desires and slivering skies. 
          
          mismatched woods and stolen petals; metaphorical gentleness and articulated coherence. dripping hearts, compendium ashes; ornate gale, weathered pages. 
          
          vintage eyes and handwritten libraries, fictional moon and escaped fantasies. inspiring nostalgia, doubtful guqin; poisonous inquiry, burial of heaven. vulnerability guarded, vindictive portraits; a monster of human needs, a devil of emotions. 
          
          brush-wood sprains and sinister autumns; stubborn walls and bittersweet burns. fluid memories, flamed nerves; familiar souvenirs,  a winter fued. a sadness of sharpness, bitter home in throat; caress the storms just as sadness has caressed tired norms. 
           #adropofhumanity

I fucking hate this shit
          I fucking hate DayQuil, I fucking hate Nightquil
          I’ll say it again: I HATE HAAVING A FUCKING FEVEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRR
          
          Thank you very much. ‍♂️

@-EMO_CHILD-  @TheGreatRedson
          
          I need help
          My friend might be in a toxic relationship and I don't know how to tell her that what she told me yesterday is a red flag
          
          "I told D that I was going on main street, and he asked who I was going with, and I told him 'no one', and he said 'Okay, then you're not going. That's final.'"
          I told them "Okay, girl, just go-"
          And they said, "Gab, I'm not going."
          
          First of all- She's 18.
          SECOND of all, he's 16. (There's no sex at all, they wouldn't do that. All they've done is make out and cuddle and that stuff.)
          THIRD- SHE CAN THROW A PUNCH IF SHE NEEDS TO! SHE DOESN'T NEED TO HAVE SOMEONE WITH HER 24/7!
          D knows a lot of people in the school, so he had them keeping an eye on his twin sister and his girlfriend while he was at home with the flu. Creepy? Uh- yeah!
          
          Des (my friend) even said that she was scared. Not in the "holy shit I'm shitting my pants" scared, the "I'm scared" that you don't really mean at all.
          But this was only yesterday.
          Nothing else really brings up red flags about their relationship so far.
          
          But this might lead to worse things. Although I highly doubt someone who could argue with me that ALL FURRIES ARE ZOOS AND WEIRDOS AND I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT FURRIES.
          BRO WHAT
          NOT EVERY SINGLE FURRY IS A ZOO
          AND NOT ALL OF THEM DO FURRY PORN
          SOME OF THEM ARE LIKE THAT, AND ONCE SOMEONE SEES THAT SOME ARE LIKE THAT, THEY AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME THE ENTIRE FANDOM OR POPULATION IS LIKE THAT
          like how lgbtq people are obnoxious and annoying
          
          I have come to realize that when people don't believe in lgbtq or just the customs like a woman being with a woman, or a man being with a man, or transgender people transitioning into the gender they feel they are, or just identifying as that or someone having different pronouns, such as They/Them, we FORCE IT UPON THEM!
          
          It's not right.
          Because of that, I called my mom homophobic and transphobic just for her beliefs. She just personally thinks it unattractive of the idea of two men together.

Bro I'm so fucking lonely it hurts like hell
          I can't cry I don't want to cry
          It's been like three fucking weeks since my boyrfriend broke up with me
          
          Me: I want to be with you for a long time
          Him: Instead of a long time how about forever
          
          *A note he wrote on the back of a photo of us* "I will love you even after death"
          
          Bull fucking shit
          
          TWO MONTHS OF US DATING AND HE LOST INTEREST
          IN A PERSON HE CLAIMED HE WOULD LOVE FOREVER
          HIS FIRST LOVER EVER
          ME
          WHY
          I EVEN ASKED HIM IF WE COULD STILL BE FRIENDS AND HE SAID YES
          HE TALKED TO ME FUCKING TWICE
          AND IT WASN'T EVEN BECAUSE HE WANTED TO
          IT WAS BECAUSE I SPOKE TO HIM
          HE LOST ALL THE GENTLENESS IN HIS TONE WHEN TALKING TO ME
          It was like he didn't want to be bothered by me
          I thought I was over it
          I thought I was done sulking about it
          I thought I was done thinking about him
          I thought I was done MISSING him
          but no
          I took a "nap" in bio yesterday (it was just me trying to sleep, but actually just closing my eyes and resting with my head down), and I was reading on Quora (as I am right now), "What do teenage boys wish teenage girls knew?", and I saw something about how guys love to cuddle too, and don't always "just want sex", and how some guys love to hug/or be hugged from behind.
          Then I nearly started crying, and I lied my head down on the desk, (not a comfortable position for my back AT ALL AAAAAAAARGHH), and I smiled faintly, still on the slight verge of tears as I imagined someone holding me fucking close, or waking up next to me and thinking about how lucky they are to have me, or fucking just telling me how much they love me and don't want to lose me.
          It hurts so damn much.
          I want someone to love, someone to simply hold close, or to text "Goodnight" and "I love you".
          I just want to feel loved by someone OTHER than a family member.
          And because I told mom I was feeling lonely, she said that I don't ALWAYS have to have a Valentine, and offered to have a little mother-daughter date. Just the two of us. And I said "Sure!"

a small token of kindness [ 28th january 2023 ] 
          
          heart that loves waters of wrinkles, a grave that loves a man of death and bones;  years of cold and hours of a backyard mirrors. floods of decades, hormones of violence; peace of unfamiliarity, an autumn of heart ache. 
          
          a jam of blue as a fight of love, a poet centuries old lurking in the present; lemons and neighbours, peaches and lungs. sins sacred before mercy, broken palms and roads of birth; sunset embroidered with veins, years fossilised with ricochet pain. 
          
          frosted letters, casual accents; love of bruised knuckles, a sip of sacred venoms. fingers of declaration, windshield dust; a lump of liability, a suffocated drink of laughter. an island where a soul sinks, oceans where the bodies bath; a thread of silk that cuts like glass. 
          
          evaporated pressure, fiery torrents; soul frozen and waltz of wakefulness. meadow of dawn, a canopy of a pleaide; frothing yearns and rippling reasons. death so close, yet addressed as cold; not every flower can be sweet, not every good heart can have enough honey. 
           #adropofhumanity