Kiya<3

And that I want what’s best for you, do what you need to do 

Honey just remember I love you no matter what and that’ll never change 

Is he outer country or?, I can try my best to help you with that situation (had my fair share of psychos)

It was never about that part that hurts me honey it’s the fact I’m starting to feel I didn’t just loose mom back then I also lost you and that caused ME to end up loosing myself, that can and never will be your fault
          
          If you decide not to see me or talk to me ever again that’s okay I’ll respect that, I’ll find a way to manage to hold on for you aswell, just rip the bandage off sooner or later cuz this not knowing is only gonna keep giving me hope 

Because as I want you to not blame me for how I survived I know I would never blame you for how you did and I know that you shouldn’t blame yourself either. 

As said honey this wasn’t your fault, it was just what pushed me over the edge. 
          
          Don’t ever fear it’s your fault it would never again for a long time basically as long as I remembered at that point you were the thing that pulled me through, I hope you realise how strong the love I atleast always will have to you is. 

And if you’re talking about why I backed out, it’s because I wasn’t ready, I wanted to, I really did but I wasn’t ready, I tried. 
          
          I do choose you, I defend you when it comes to siblings fights, I’m not even gonna lie, when one of our sisters said I would fail the family like you did, I threw energy drink liquid at her and left, I’m often in fight with them cause of you, cause I say I understand why you’re doing what you’re doing, there’s nth more I can do from where you put me. 
          
          You’re not a last priority for me and I am sincerely deeply sorry I made you feel that way. 
          

Staying might hurt inside at times, but where I was, was actually killing me.. I did not have a choice, again you don’t know where I was if you did you would know I was using till the point I neglected a surgery I needed, that I was loosing weight in a rate that wasn’t near healthy, that my body was shutting down because of the amount, so no I didn’t have a choice… and yes I would choose you, always but don’t you understand? Not everybody has the privilege to pick and choice. 
          
          You were everything I had at that point you were the only reason I hadnt let myself fall that deep so when you left I did fall that deep and I didn’t care that I did, now this isn’t your fault I was the one who let go after you left, but this was really my only way to survival not only mentally but also physically.
          
          I’m glad you have that privilege that you can pick but I don’t. 

I’m sorry that the only way for me to survive ended up hurting you that much, you might hear about where I am now, but you clearly don’t know where I was when you left. 

…. I did what I could if that’s not enough that’s okay, you can hate me I know you don’t wanna hear this but I’m always here in an hour or in a million years, no matter how much you hurt me or blame me for dealing with pain my way, for not even trying to understand my side when I always try to understand yours I will always love you.