ジャスミン

I'm sorry. Of course, that's stupid of me. I understand. This won't happen again.

I can't get over the thought that all the efforts and motivation I put myself into for the past weeks had been all for naught.

I've always dreamed of being in a room.
          
          Alone yet peaceful, chaos through the floor, and window wide open.
          
          On my chair with my head stare at the ceiling with dim lights.
          
          The only light shines the brightest is from the screen on my laptop.
          
          A ringing phone in my desk.
          
          With a stylus pen at my lap along with the tablet.
          
          And a beer in my right hand.
          
          Both of my feet will be at the top of my desk.
          
          I'd go swinging my chair.
          
          Humming a lullaby.
          
          And I'd tell my self.
          
          "This is the life I've longed for."
          

Sometimes, I just want a little plot twist in my life.

It's frustrating that no matter how hard you try, in the end, it could never amount like how it should be.
          
          It's so frustrating that I spend almost half hours of the day yet there's still hell missing.
          
          That the rest could do greater and I'm left in the middle.
          
          It's frustrating that while doing some tasks, my mind keeps screaming. Feeling that I will never be good enough.
          
          That no matter what I do, it didn't even pay the work that I did.
          
          It's frustrating how I fear, that my contribution is wrong. 
          
          My contribution to the team is so fvcking incorrect.
          
          
          It's TRAUMATIZING.
          
          
          

I'm feeling burnt out.
          Having a breakdown.
          With my body refusing to move.
          While I'm mentally blocked.
          Overwhelmed with a lot of activities
          And couldn't understand discussion.
          My mind is screaming.

Goal: Mag picture ug formal me 

I swear I felt so left out, stupid and useless..
          .
          .
          .
          .
          .
          I just wanna breakdown.
          .
          .
          .
          .
          .
          But I couldn't.

I promise I'll do better.
          Just please let me stay in solitude.
          While I'll try to fix every bit of my life.
          

Two..
          
          However,
          .
          .
          When I don't think, I mean -- I don't think of what's the next word I'm gonna say.
          
          Whenever, it upsets me and I loosen up myself.
          
          Whenever I don't refrain.
          
          I find my self thinking of the worst case scenario.
          
          I could feel my heart beating fast in anger.
          
          I could imagine the chaos.
          
          I could feel what I can be capable of, if only someone could push me to the edge.
          
          I could feel through my veins, through my mind, my heart and my soul.. I could feel the rage.
          
          The shiver, that sometimes it made me want to pray.
          
          Because I know, that I may be thriving to be kind and to feel. To be more understanding and well-liked. 
          
          But deep down, I could. I'm so capable. Capable of doing things.
          
          More cruel.
          
          More heartless.
          
          More chaos.
          
          I could feel it. In my mind it felt so real.
          
          Hence, it made me wonder...
          
          
          When life pushes me to the edge and my trigger is pulled..
          
          Who would rather I become?
          
          The one who thrive for peace or the one who'd savour the chaos?
          
          
          Although, I have been chosing the first one. 
          
          But what if,, I'm really triggered? The one that reaches beyond the line?
          
          What would it become of me?
          
          Sometimes, I fear that I'm more of a monster. It has been in the deepest part of my mind.
          
          The darkest part where no one has yet tried to unravel.
          
          But if they ever will. I'd gladly burst the chaos.
          
          Now the question.. would I be able go to that point? Cuz I loved to see myself to do something I might find pleasure but later then regret.
          
          Although I know when my trigger is pulled, I'd find myself praying to the LORD.