ジャスミン

The odds were never in my favor.
          The odds of winning or luck.
          
          There are always losses.
          And sacrifices to make for greater gain.
          
          I was never something.
          But being void drowns me more.
          
          Scarier than an unraveled ocean.
          Terrifying than an overwhelming wave.
          
          For at the very least you felt fear.
          Whereas feeling nothing.
          
          You don't know why you're crying.
          You don't know what it is that you're feeling.
          
          

It was another sleepless night,
          Where I imagined myself de*d.
          
          
          

I snapped so hard, it surprised everyone in the room.
          .
          .
          .
          It was my tita's birthday. We were mini celebrating.
          
          Everyone was having a good time.
          
          Until I got in an argument with my sister online.
          
          I was so mad, I asked to leave first. 
          
          My tita keep questioning me about why.
          
          Until I raised my voice in response.
          
          I looked at them, they were surprised.
          
          I abruptly smiled and chuckled.
          
          Saying it was okay, but .. I really snapped.
          
          I don't know. There's a lot on my mind right now.
          

Posting chapters of me, running away from reality:

How I miss the written words,
          The unseen emotions and unacknowledged.
          
          How I miss the days where I write in passion.
          The days where I felt so young and alive.
          
          But hey, 
          I'm still twenty-one.
          
          But it feels so long, and the years are fleeting.
          But the days were very lonely..
          
          I am used to be lonely, 
          But, it's fine, I could bite my tongue.
          
          To feel the pain not the emotions.
          I miss writing.
          
          Now, I wonder.
          Will I be back for more lonel words?
          
          Or I'll finally outgrow my reminiscing days?
          

I uninstalled Wattpad recently and just got back a few months after, and I checked on the inbox for a message and they've messaged about my grayish posts but to be clear:
          
          I am fine, a little bit sad of how I gravely changed throughout the years.. I just want to say that Wattpad is the only platform where I post what I truly feel and share my emotions even without anyone noticing. Thanks to this platform, I was able to express my feelings. But overall, I know it's kind of dim and lost. But, it made me strong.
          
          
          So worry not..
          
          
          I'm only being dramatic.
          
          

Until next time.

I no longer believe in anything. Restart.

This is the day. 
          That I promise to myself this won't happen again. 
          I won't come up desperate.
          I will never be this desperate ever again.

I'm sorry. Of course, that's stupid of me. I understand. This won't happen again.