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In the end;
          
          It didn't matter if I was feeling lonely.
          It didn't matter if I had no money.
          It didn't matter if I had shrimp paste for the meal.

So I totally forgot one day in my life. I thought it was Saturday when in fact it's Sunday, like literally missing 24 hours in my life.
          
          Like, why is this food store is closed when it's Saturday?  I thought they're only closed every Sunday?
          
          I forgot yesterday ( Saturday ) and thought it was still Friday.
          
          While in the shower, I found myself singing worship songs. 
          
          And now that I realized, I usually sings worship songs subtly whenever I go to church and preparing myself.
          
          So now it all piece together. And boom.
          

I remember myself getting so depressed that my mind almost resorted to drinking all sorts of medicine just to heal the pain.

You are here, heart's racing.
          Papers and clothes scattered on the floor.
          
          Piled of unwashed dishes.
          With a barbecue sticks on the plate.
          
          Bottles of caffeine, papers on the wall.
          Hanging in reminders of your nonsense fuel.
          
          Notes in the table, laptop on your side.
          Sweets and drinks set to comfort you.
          
          While you lie in bed, while the light is off.
          And night is getting deeper.
          
          You cried of the loss.
          The loss of your ambitious goal.
          
          And you mourn every moment you remember it.
          All you ever wanted is to be acknowledged.
          
          When the lights are out and the crowd disappears.
          Your pain starts to linger and you began to feel torn.
          
          I write it here because you have given up.
          And I wanna remember this very moment.
          
          You choose to stop and it shook you.
          It shredds you to pieces.
          
          Finally you have people to hate.
          But this is not about that.
          
          It's about how you will cope up with the loss.
          It's about how you do it.
          
          You're not okay, and in your heart still lingers the pain.
          You feel lost, unseen and unheard.
          
          You have given up, but..
          Little did you know, when you've finally loosen up.
          
          A small part of you finally gets to breathe.
          A part of you silently smiled. And maybe that matters.
          
          I hope in few years time, you'll come back here.
          And read and finally see how far you have become.
          
          I am still in pain, and shaking.
          It still made me cry.
          
          But... I couldn't stop anyway.
          

I feel like the tide is against me and I can't finish it in time.

TODAY I LEARNED THE MOST BEAUTIFUL STORY OF LOVE.
          
          It's not just about Jesus who came into the world and saved us from our sins.
          
          When we say that, it's just a very shallow line, which has been passed down from generation to generation in Christianity.
          
          It's not just about a belief that we commonly know and later on pay less value to.
          
          It's not just about the idea.
          
          It's about something bigger.
          
          Note: This may not be entirely accurate theologically, but I reflected on this after reading Matthew.
          
          God created us in His image.
          
          He gave us freedom, but later on, we sinned.
          
          But He loved us, and He couldn't just throw away what He loved.
          
          Even though we sinned, God still loved us.
          
          We could easily say that God is too powerful—He could just start again and build another set of people.
          
          But no. His love is too great. He couldn’t throw us away.
          
          God wanted a real relationship. He wanted something genuine. No control or force.
          
          But He is also just and couldn't let sin go unpunished.
          
          Still, He had mercy on us and could never bear to hurt us.
          
          So, to deal with this, He sent Jesus.
          
          To take the punishment instead of us.
          
          He came in human form and entered this world.
          
          He showed miracles and God’s love.
          
          Jesus was humiliated, in pain, and suffered more than we could possibly imagine.
          
          After all the kindness and mercy He gave us,
          
          we were still evil and did Him wrong.
          
          Later, He was judged to die.
          
          And He suffered greatly on the cross.
          
          He then rose from the dead—and from then on...
          
          

Constantly feeling like I'm the only person who made the effort. Who feels the pressure. Who reaches out to the people who are supposed to feel the pressure too.
          
          I hate feeling like I'm being pushy or something 
          It kills me.

In the back of your mind, you know you're scared.
          It kills your life and your will to go on.
          You only wanna shrink and hide in your zone.
          
          It's terrifying, it's passively traumatizing you.
          But, you know what, it's okay.
          It's okay that you're afraid. 
          
          And writing it now still scares me.
          I can sense my body tingling.
          I cried in fear and pain.
          
          I'm still scared, I'm overthinking everything.
          

The thing is...
          I've hit a wall, a tough one I can't see a way through.
          No other way around either, and I'm left standing.
          
          I'm so tired I couldn't cry. 
          I've become restless every night.
          It takes a lot of hell for myself to process.
          
          It's too thick, it's too tall.
          A wall I couldn't seem to breakthrough.
          I've tried hard, I've tried well.
          
          But I need someone to help me reach it.
          Still, at the end, I'm left standing.
          It's beyond my reach and it frustrates me.
          
          I know there's a way but I couldn't find it.
          I'm really really under a lot of stress right now.
          I'm under unsettling and drowning thoughts.
          
          It's not about the burden I have to carry.
          It's not about the pressure some did and didn't give me.
          It's not about how heavy the tasks are.
          
          But, it's about this thick tall wall.
          A mistake I put myself in.
          A way I could have just dodge long ago.
          
          Yet, I'm here now. And standing.
          It's about proof to myself.
          It's about whether or not I take it all.
          
          It's about the time it took me to complete.
          How many days have gone and drawn near.
          It's about my fear of being unable to do.
          
          And it frustrates me. It truly did.
          It matters. It matters so much.
          Because this is the only thing I can show.
          
          Because at the end of the day.
          I'm still the lonely person I was three years ago.
          And I may look tough but deep down I'm torn.
          
          

I wanna vomit, my eyes are strained.
          It's getting late at night and I'm restless.
          I couldn't sleep, my anxiety is unsettling.
          
          I have eye bags, and am really pressured.
          I wonder what's gonna happen.