pansy

i dont think ill actually do anything tonight but nobody will answer my texts and i doubt theyd care or ask whats wrong so :-) time to bleed

my boyfriend of almost a year and half probably wants nothing to do with me and is only still talking to me so i dont fucking kill myself. 
          my best friend has left me on read for almost two weeks now.
          my closer friends only text me when they need me to instigate drama with each other. 
          my irl friends are needy and require me to be positive and upbeat constantly so that they can stay calm.
          finals start in two days. 
          both of my parents have not talked to me in months (or years). 
          im incapable of doing the only things ive been good at. 
          my psychiatrist thinks im lying and faking my disorders.
          i think its in everyone's best interest that id just die already. 

i want to kill myself in such a violent way that the coroner wont be able to identify me

i ran Oute of good pills and all i have is a liiiiitle bit of dxm and a bunch of benadryl.so i guess u cant call it High but i am  very . not in my body and i can see everythings auras and i have that one thibg where it converta one of yr senses to colors whixh is cool qnd qlso my nose hurts from snorting so much benadryl and i need an adderall plug BUT.ive been thinking a lot qbout it and i might just. try (for real) to get off the pills but idk 

anyways i want an ana buddy but my irl friend keeps telling me EVERY SINGLE CALORIE SHE INGESTS and its starting to get on my nerves like shell say "ive only had 362 calories today" or "i havent eaten in 18 hours" AND SHE K N O W S I HAVE AN ED but she keeps telling me and its making my competitive ass relapse really hard so :-) go me

if he fuckinggdies. so will i im not even being dramatix about this 

DAY TWO OF SOBRIETY AND I JUST TOOK 5x MY USUAL DOSE AND IM LOOKING FOR MORE 

im gna binge 2day bc for the next 50 days im gnna do the abc n its gnna b hell

i miss my boy and three of my friends are telling me im in a toxic relationship.and i cant even wrap my head around that because i dont think its true and i love him so much but like ... three people and a fuckin stranger have agreed and i want to kill myself because i wish i never even heard those fucking words

theres no way that i could be a successful adult i would just starve myself and drink and drink ans drink and be a fucking pill addict and i would probably end up in jail or dead and again neither of my parents would care