A month without uploading he comes back with a tag 
That no one even tagged him he's not a challenge to drag 
So prepare for an attack and by that I mean cringe
Cause this motherfucker's 'bout to get dragged by his fringe

First things first, you're freakishly tall it's weird you look like a noodle 
You've got hair that was cool in 2007 and wet you just look like a poodle
Throw in a really annoying posh voice and, yup, that's Dan 
You're what would happen if Winnie the Pooh fucked Slenderman

You procrastinate making videos, cause being judged is scary?
You're so close to being forgotten, the hate's imaginary 
The only reason you get views is you're another white guy
That people ship with his friend cause they think it's kawaii

Oh
Reasons why Dan's a fail
I'll give you some

You never tweet, you overeat, all you do is cry and sleep
Your jokes are shitposts and memes with no originality 
Your family's sad you flopped your law degree at university
And anything embarrassing that's from your past you just delete

You were vegan for like three weeks, then what, you missed the meat? 
Wow, I'm so impressed by your clear moral integrity!
You try so hard to be peaceful and diplomatic
But can't make toast without tumblr saying you're problematic 

I could go on there's more if I check
There's more things on this list than chins on your neck
On your birthday you joked you were a quarter way to death
A 100? Yeah, when getting out of bed makes you out of breath? 

So your celebrity crush was J-Law but now it's Evan P.? 
What the fuck even is your sexuality?
It's hard to put you in a box when you keep it so blurry 
I think it's just to hide that you're secretly a furry

I'm-I'm joking
Obviously

Okay that went deep...
Repress it? Yup!
Before I start crying let's wrap this shit up

I'm gonna go and masturbate, then cry into a slice of pizza Shout out to the other youtubers especially Ryan Higa 
A cringe compilation mixed with cultural appropriation