cattail1127

This f-cking h-llsite still exists and I joined in f-cking 2015. I have wasted too much time writing fanfics and god d-mmit it was worth it

I can't believe I still use this website. I'm kinda back, but it's one of those things where it's like 'sudden energy boost'.
          
          Look out for a Strange Eyed update soon. It's gonna get sent to some of my pals so I can get a few extra pairs of eyes to suggest edits, then I'll publish it.
          
          Thanks,
          Cattail

I'll be very honest and say that I'm struggling a lot. It might just be the fact that I've been forced to stay inside for months straight, or that my depression and anxiety are spiking again, but nonetheless I am struggling. Since my lost conversation post, I made the corrections to my plot map and submitted it to friends for a look over and any corrections. I got good reactions so I trusted myself to move forward and start writing the story again. Except, I didn't. I  had maybe written a sentence or two. Then I more or less abandoned my project. Every time I sat down to get to work, putting on some music and getting comfortable, I just felt a surge in my heart rate and it felt like I was going to start crying. Why I didn't really think about. I just closed my tabs and put away my laptop before spending my day in bed stressing over the world and everyone who has been affected by police brutality and racism. Every time I attempted to ground myself by writing a book that I've been working on for years, I couldn't do anything but panic and feel this sense of overwhelming dread. Even as I type this, my shoulders feel heavy and my chest feels tight. Is this what all writers feel? Is this just something I'll have to get used to if I want to bring my ideas to life?
          Writing Strange Eyed feels almost like a chore. I'm OBLIGATED to finish this because I started it. I don't like feeling like I have to do this. I don't like feeling pressured to write every day or to finish this story that I've been building for the past FOUR to FIVE years. Can you believe that it's been that long since I made the original word document? It feels too long to me. I hate that I'm not finished with it by now. I hate that I spent so long reworking the entire thing and coming back with promises to make a whole new and better world for you all only to disappear again. I want it done. I want to put it up online and forget all about it, as harsh as that sounds.

Alright! I updated Strange Eyed. There's a whole new 2k words to read and a lot more of stuff for you to question. I was going to write more, but I noticed a small hiccup in my plot map that led to even more things, so I published what I had and I am now going to take even more time to work on the map and get everything settled before I continue the story. I want quality for you guys. 
          I'm sorry if this is disappointing to anyone. It's sad for me too because I was on such a roll with this story until now. I hope that you'll be satisfied with what I have for you already and you'll stick through just a bit longer(that is if you've been following this since the dark days) until I can be sure that I am delivering the best content to you all.
          I have a lot planned for this story that I hope you all will stick around to see. I think I was able to deliver the tense feeling in this most recent update and if you think that's cool, then just wait. It gets so much better!
          Thank you for understanding, I hope everyone is doing well and staying safe!
          -Cattail

SO giving a little update: First off, though, I hope everyone is doing okay in the current situation. It's been really tough for me to acclimate to online school and I hope that everyone is managing right now. Stay inside and stay safe, please!
          Now onto the update: I noticed that in SE, the first chapter was getting lots of views but the following parts weren't getting as much. So I decided that having small parts of a whole chapter all separate like that was probably deterring readers from sticking around. SO now the whole thing is in one big chapter. 5k words like the chapters of SE used to be. Ah, yes. The good old days. 
          Now I feel like I have to explain myself. I haven't been writing even though I've had all the time in the world. Even though I'm not expected to stay on top of my writing in quarantine, I feel like now is a great time since I don't have everyday life stressing me out as much anymore. Just, you know, a whole plague stressing me out now. Honestly, the plague is less stressful. ANYWAY. I have been writing, but I haven't been writing Strange Eyed because I still want to finish my plot map and flesh scenes out before I publish anything else. I want the story to go much better than it did the first time, and if it takes another year or two, I'm willing to take those chances. I've also not been writing because I'm back on my b u l l s h i t. Remember my old book called Order? Yeah, only my originals remember that one. Yikes. Anyway, I've picked it up again and totally revamped it and now it's cursed. It's no longer focused on the YouTube ship that I had wanted it to be about originally and is now just straight-up crack levels of head a s s ery. Fortunately, I have learned from my past mistakes and will not be publishing it online. Because fanfics of real people are weird. If I work up the courage and feel an undying need to publish it, I will most definitely change EVERY name in it. Just wanted you to know that I'm better at writing and still weird.

Hi all,
          
          just in the mood to drop in and say something. I want everyone to know that I successfully deleted the old chapters for Strange Eyed. That may seem small to you but it's big for me. I have no idea why it took so much effort to convince myself to delete them. Maybe it was because I had worked so hard to get to 1k views and those chapters were the only thing that kept the views up. Maybe it was because I had stoked that fire for two years. I don't know, but it's gone now and it feels a little lighter on my shoulders.
          The other thing I had to say was that I've been doubting myself and not even knowing. Today I thought I'd sit down and take some time to work on Strange Eyed but the only thing I did was judge my writing style, contemplate restarting because all I can see on that document is filth, and fix one error. That had slipped through and got published. It's not uncommon for me to look down on my own work and see it as bad. I've been making a constant effort to tell my self that my writing is worth a shit, but I myself can only say so much. I'm not asking you to say anything to me or give me praise, I just wanted to vent and give a sort of a reason why this story(or any of my projects for that matter) has taken so long to get content for it. I hope that that changes because I do love writing and I hope you enjoy what I put out :)
          
          Thanks for reading and waiting,
          Koto_ji(Cattail1127)

Good day people.
          I'm here to announce a new project because I don't know when to stop :D!
          
          It's called Of Teens and Corruption and the only thing I have left planning-wise is to add in a few more events tot he rising actions(Yep, I learned how to use a plot map wowie) then I should be good to start writing it religiously. I feel very proud about this project because it has a lot of representation and Strange Eyed taught me how to better balance characters. I hope that once I get the first chapter up, that people will enjoy it just as much as I do, it's really my favorite work of mine so far in my life and I just want people to share my enthusiasm.
          
          anyway, thanks for dropping by and apologies that I turned on 'notify my followers' for this convo, I'm just hyped :). - cattail

What the FUCK is with the new icon?

Okay, so here is the deal:
          
          Strange Eyed is still on hiatus because I'm working stuff out and trying to figure out how I want the story to go. If you actually enjoyed it: 1) thanks :') 2) it isn't gone forever and I'M TRYING SO HARD RN LOL.
          
          Imma try and begin a verrrrrry ambitious project of mine that I have been toying with the idea of. It has a lot of god/goddess work and a shit ton of gay people and complex characters. I'm honestly terrified of it because that's a lot of work and I hate work. I've literally worked out so much stuff already and it's looking heckin promising so, we'll see. As always with my terrifyingly ambitious projects, it will be multiple books. *Cue me banging my head against the wall* Just no way for me to fit all of that bs into one book. No. Way. Giving another reason for multipe books, there are 60+ semi-established characters, 90% of which I NEED TO BE IN THIS. so ye.
          
          as for my focus towards which project: it depends. You might see stuff from this newer project first, but Strange Eyed will join in shortly.
          
          thanks lol

Annoying everyone because I don’t feel like putting this on my updates book. Cause honestly not as important. 
          Starting a few new things. Getting back into some writing:
          
          Gonna maybe do another Warriors book because I feel the need to show off my amazingly op cat with wings and seventeen lives, if that were possible life would be good. 
          
          Something to do with Strange Eyed while I fuck off from that hell of a plotless trash. A kinda shenanigans book for my canon ‘headcanons’ and just smol tidbits on the characters. Something should be up on the actual book reguarding V day :). Also doing a smol announcement using ya demon queen Sammy. Cause she’s the only one that is a parent, therefore allowing her to accurately promote such a thing. 
          
          So yeah, if you read my shit, look out for those things. Thanks for just being there and waiting patiently through my blank phase lol. 
          
          
          
          (Close friendos. Probs gonna consider getting therapy and get some depression and anxiety meds so I can do the things I love again :) bai)