c.y.

i think so often about it, too: how long do we have?
          
          time erodes the days we thought were infinite. i don't know how much is left for us, if there's any we can scrape and spend without having to fret about the end. the wetlands dry up soon and our bones won't rest against each other seeking warmth during the cold downpour nights. we will return to our respective hometowns yet i keep you wandering in my head (remembering you even in the farthest place is a way to torment myself). my hands will slowly crease and i wouldn't know if yours have turned wrinkled and rough because i haven't held it for such a long time. how cruel. how tragic it is to mourn for the advance loss of everything we consorted together. we weren't given a neverending, just the less we entirely got. 
          
          and if now is what we only have now, will it be enough? will it still be enough? will we content ourselves for this enough? 
          
          (i want to be with you in every counting second, yet nothing ever stays permanent. 
          
          how cruel. how tragic.
          
          we are to part ways eventually,
          and i die the moment it happens.)
          
          ___
          [on closing 2024.]

death sentences are often executed through decapitation, lethal sedation, or any means done brutally—i faced mine by being a first born daughter attending a family reunion at our provincial hometown. being the eldest daughter in the household resembles an image of christ carrying a cross in jerusalem; bearing an indispensable weight wherever my feet takes me. at kindergarten. at highschool. at university. at work. even at my graveyard, the title fades away with me. 
          
          in family reunion, the dine is bountiful of mouthwatering dishes. of course, everyone's apple of the eye, lechong baboy is always presently served alongside afritadang kambing, humba, kinilaw, any familiar handa one could name that increases a person's cholesterol count. but despite having a table of plenty, our relatives don't feast on the scrumptious banquet arrayed in the long table—they prefer having me as their main course. as soon as i take a seat next to my ma with their eyes solely shifted towards mine, it's an impending doom coming right at me. and before i could even take a bite of the crispy lechon skin and taste its excess oil soaking on my tongue, my titas begin catapulting series of questions that have already been asked and heard years ago. questions that sound like irreparable broken vinyl tape scratching through my ears. 
          
          “naa nakay boyfriend, gang?”
          “kanus-a man ka magka-boyfriend?”
          “unsa may makaibogan nimo na lalaki?” 
          “kon ikaw makabana puhon...”
          “kon ikaw magminyo na...” 
          
          they hold obvious expectant look upon asking the questions, while i am itching to leave the room mid-supper because i can't stand listening any longer. 
          
          (1/2)

punan ang bawat espasyo ng iyong kulay, happy pride month! ⁠♡

“god, you are so, so beautiful / like the sun / i cannot look away / i do not want to look away / my eyes bursts with hurt but i endure anyway” — an excerpt from ‘liwayway’, paraluman: unang sulyap zine.
          _____
          
          hello, sapphic friends/wlw readers !! 
          
          i'm delighted to share that my prose ‘liwayway' is part of the first issue of sapphic zine anthology called, ‘paraluman: unang sulyap', and from the name itself, it shows a diff kinds of firsts experienced by a sapphic/wlw relationship through literary and arts !! this is my first time submitting an entry as well & sososo grateful it's from the community i feel most belonged to <33 thxx @paralumanzineph team for the initiative!! 
          
          to more #aklatparasaakla projects :DD 
          quoting bini maloi, “mabuhay ang mga bakla!” 
          at buhay ang panitikan para sa mga bakla !! 
          
          u may access the links here: 
          link #1 (heyzine): https://t.co/JCm4YiSRIx
          link #2 (mega file storage): https://t.co/t8ULl9vJMg
          
          thanx & enjoy ~

when i was asked once how does it feel to be loved by a woman as a woman, i failed to articulate it because often i do not speak of love to many explicitly but rather act upon it towards the person i imminently revered. or maybe i was troubled to look for a word that would entirely grasp the feeling when she's asleep, i carefully part strands of hair covering her pretty face. or when i laugh heartily while she braves the fury of cooking oil as we prepare our meal in the kitchen. when i place a band-aid on her blistered heels. when she does my make up. when she asks for forehead kisses. when we wake up next to each other by daybreak. it's in these very mundane things we do together yet we are falling in love with each other over again much like the first time we realized it. 
          
          it felt...tender. i began seeing love in tender manner although i was fully convinced my hands bore so much violence. but when she held it as if it were the thing she'd never let go of, i learned there is a delicate part of me despite all. i crumble asunder, with shards that rips apart, nonetheless she carry me still unwarily. she is a hand reaching that caresses my heart in the softest way possible until the anger that dwelled inside for ages had gradually ceased. i don't really know if there is a significant difference between loving a man or a woman, but to be loved by a woman is simply like how i call her name endearingly, as if love itself was named after her. it was tender. love wasn't as brutal as i once believed, but rather an anticipated touch. a willing arrest. a gentle surrender. 
          
          ___
          to end the week, i want to greet all lover lesbians a happy lesbian visibility day! your narratives and nurturing love are all worth to be celebrated. :DD

happy lesbian visibility week sa mga lesbiyanang manunulat at mambabasa! mga kwentong tungkol sa mas mapagpalayang pag-ibig na nagbibigay liwanag para sa mga kababaihan at kapwa kababaihang minamahal! araw-araw nakikita kita :)

AAAAAA YOU'RE BACK!!!!!!!!!!