☆𝕝𝕒𝕫𝕪☆

This is so very random. Have you ever wanted to text someone, started typing...and just stopped? Stopped to think: "Maybe I'm bothering them. Maybe they'll ignore it. Maybe they'll get mad and rage. Maybe they'll laugh at it. Maybe it's just not important. Maybe it's insensitive."
          
          I guess that's my thought process sometimes whenever I want to send a spontaneous message.

status: hanging in there
          
          I'm going to be fine...everything's going to be fine...so...stop feeling like your words aren't enough...stop feeling like everything's your fault...stop feeling like you're hurting people just by existing...
          
          but no matter what, I'm always going to feel that way...if people judge me, I will still feel bad about myself, no matter if I know that I'll still be me...even if no matter what my mom said was right...i'm still going to feel like a useless failure
          
          I'll still feel terrible about myself...even on a normal, happy day...I'll always be there to ruin it.
          
          sorry.

@lazy-chan19 that's good to know.

TW: Rant :<
          
          I've been thinking again. My friend doesn't need me. I'm not as important to her. I'm just a waste of her Pocky and time. She has a crush that shares her interests more than me, right? A crush that has more personality than me, right? Someone who's just better? Better than me...better.
          
          She doesn't share as much with me anymore...and we haven't even been friends for five months...her crush is just...better. Better than what I could do...she sounds so happy when he says he was thinking of one of her favorite things...but it's like she doesn't share that interest with me anymore...I'm not as important.
          
          I keep thinking I'm one of the most forgettable people in our class...they forgot I was in the oral round in class...they forgot I was a spelling bee finalist...are they going to forget me? After we leave...I wanted to make an impact...I wanted to help someone feel better about themselves...to be remembered...to be a bit popular...for people to like me and confide in me...but...
          
          My friend shared her fandoms with me...ME! And I was so honored...but she doesn't anymore...it's all her crush now...we rarely talk now, our dm's are dead...haven't talked for the last week and if we do then...they're just short...
          
          She gives me free pocky...and I feel so happy if she even tells me what she's interested in...but I'm not as important to her anymore...I feel a bit like a lost toy...forgotten. But I feel so happy when people trust me to talk to me...even if it's a friend...only my friends...if you don't know me, that's okay...but I can't help feeling a bit bad if not even my friends trust me enough to tell me things...some of my friends will remember me...but my selfish ass wants more...more...more recognition...more popularity...to be remembered.
          
          But how can people trust me if there are other, better people out there? Sometimes I feel annoying...too loud...too playful...insulting...and how are people supposed to trust me, then? How do I make people feel safe?

Send this to ten people (or keep it to yourself /j)
          
          SCREW EVERYONE WHO'S HURT YOU! YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE (or your insecurities) TELL YOU! I don't care who's been mean to you, who's hurt you, who's made you feel like you don't deserve the best. Because those people S U C K. You are amazing no matter what, and there's always some part of you that's great. The people that hurt you are B L I N D. They don't see the amazing bits of you. You. Are. PERFECT! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and if they do, flip 'em off, punch them, give them the bombastic side eye, or call me up and I will chew them out :>
          
          started by @lazy-chan19

*chain ver (copy down below)* 
          
          Send this to ten people (or keep it to yourself /j)
          
          SCREW EVERYONE WHO'S HURT YOU! YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE (or your insecurities) TELL YOU! I don't care who's been mean to you, who's hurt you, who's made you feel like you don't deserve the best. Because those people S U C K. You are amazing no matter what, and there's always some part of you that's great. The people that hurt you are B L I N D. They don't see the amazing bits of you. You. Are. PERFECT! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and if they do, flip 'em off, punch them, give them the bombastic side eye, or call me up and I will chew them out :>
          
          started by @lazy-chan19

This is SO RANDOM
          
          BUT SCREW EVERYONE WHO'S HURT YOU! YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE (or your insecurities) TELL YOU! Maybe it's Rui's alt of Cyberpunk Dead Boy playing on the laptop (guys I'm not interested in him the song's solo is pretty good ngl) but I feel 100% more hyped. I don't care who's been mean to you, who's hurt you, who's made you feel like you don't deserve the best. Because those people S U C K. You are amazing no matter what, and there's always some part of you that's great. The people that hurt you are B L I N D. They don't see the amazing bits of you. You. Are. PERFECT! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and if they do, flip 'em off, punch them, give them the bombastic side eye, or call me up and I will chew them out (as long as I know you and have evidence) :>

I guess something about me is that I'm too eager to forget. Do I get yelled at? Forget. Slapped? Forget it.
          
          I can forget...but when I'm reminded of what happened, it's hard to forgive. I treat people like nothing ever happened, but I'm forced to remember, or else it looks weird that I just forgive them without anything. I find it weird. Don't you?
          
          My mom called me a loser today because I'd rather run away from my "friends" rather than face them. I find myself running away a lot. She called me manipulative, too, telling me I sweet-talk people into doing things for me. But I seem to have forgotten that. She's still my mom in the end, the one who cooks for me, feeds me, and gives birth to me. The one that still loves me...right? My dad told me to stop running away and think differently and fix things. But in the end, he's still my dad, the one who makes terrible dad jokes and talks about physics and world solutions. I keep forgetting all the wrongs people have done, and I see them as my friends...but I have to remember that sometimes they're annoyed with me because I did something wrong before.
          
          Which is probably why I'm so carefree. But I can remember some terrible things, like if my "friends" stereotyped me and called me weird. Like if they think I'm weird and nerdy for watching anime or crocheting or being a tad overweight. Like if they tell me "Of *course* you crochet. That's very *you* of you." Sometimes it makes me mad. That they have the audacity to speak to me like that. That they have the audacity to think of me and my actions as something other than normal. I'm just another human like them, aren't I? Shouldn't I be treated that way too? Not like something else?
          
          I helped a kid out of his roller coaster seatbelt thing. When my friend got stuck in the seat, she asked me to use my "private school magic". That makes me mad. Going to a private school isn't the only reason I'm smart...right?
          
          I'm all over the place.

YAY I GOT THIRD PLACE I'M HAPPY
          but i guess i'm more upset that a 4th grader beat me than that i didn't get first...
          NO MATTER! I GET CHEESECAKE! AND FOOD!

Okay, time to panic! Spelling bee is tomorrow and I don't want to go on stage in front of the whole middle school and fifth grade-
          
          ALL MY FRIENDS ARE WATCHING! What if I disappoint them? What if I mess up on something easy? I have the happiness and pride of all my friends and classmates on my shoulders! If I fail...then we all fail.