crazy-person

@Pandora988 halter????? if u mean chapter hopefully by the weekend but my editor had to move so yeah

Pandora988

Reading your story "keeping it in the group" has been great  the comedy used in there is is funny and I'm able to get a good laugh,not to mention how you give each of the characters point of few from a different aspect of the story. And the idea behind the nuts thing is great, I love your story and hope to read more of it soon:)

mNmL0ver14

yeah I get those problems too every once in a while. Usually I read other stories and it gives me an idea on how to introduce certain things or how to phrase and describe them. What might have been interesting was if they were playing one of those typical name game things that teachers always make students play on the first day of something, or introduce them as they become important, but it's all good. I would probably be too lazy to change it anyway lol

crazy-person

@mNmL0ver14 :) i just wanted the roll call to be in there cause they all have names  that sound like there from days of our lives :) my sister said hmmmmm artix wow i need to go clean my toilet it sounds like a cleaning product :) and also i didnt know how to get everyone to meet :)

mNmL0ver14

so I read chapter 1 and 2 of keeping it in the group and it's pretty good. Some thing I would suggest is that you need a stronger hook in the beginning of the story. There isn't really anything in the story that makes the reader NEED to come back and read more. There has to be some kind of conflict, mystery or action that really keeps the reader at the edge of their seat. For example, in my story, I tried to make the beginning vague so the reader would want to find out how Alaure got in the situation she was in. I actually got too excited and rushed all of the information on how she ended up there in the 3rd chapter so I'm gonna have to go back and edit that. Lucky for the people who already read it lol. 
          Another thing is that your sentences are very choppy. I don't know whether it's intentional or not. It's not necessarily a bad thing though because it creates a faster pace or rhythm to the story unlike mine which seems to drag on (maybe too much). 
          Lastly, some of the things like introductions between friends and roll call can be shortened to things like "The teacher called attendance while we chattered away." or  "We all introduced each other yada yada yada." Does that makes sense? Basically, if the dialogue isn't contributing to anything then you don't need to waste energy writing it out. 
          Hope this helps. I also hope this didn;t sound too harsh.
          
          Let me know what you think of my story. Do you like the plot so far? favorite parts? What do you think is gonna happen?