Born: July 23 2001 (I'm 15)
Real Name: Blake Lewis

Freakin Nerd

I have issues.

I'm aware.

I want to beat you to death with a blunt object. 

I want to grab one of those high-end fashion mannequins by the ankles and bash your ribcage in. 

I want to sharpen fifty pencils, bind them with a rubber band, stick the lead ends in your mouth, and punch the erasers. 

I want to strap you to a bed of nails and then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car so I can watch you suffer as we drive over speed bumps in a mall parking lot during an earthquake. 

I want to burn your dog in front of you, mix his ashes with gunpowder, melt his bone-shaped name tag into a small metal ball, load it all into a musket, and shoot you in the face with him.

I want you to somehow survive a terrible car crash and then somehow not survive a small fender bender on the way back from the hospital.

- Bo Burnham