Does love really exist?
Growing up in a world of corruption, I find it hard to believe. Could someone else really love me? Impossible. After all, any of the boys I've given chances to seemed to be using me.
Could I really love anyone? Well, that is the scary part. I know that I have. Or at least, cared a lot. But whenever I am scared of something real, true, I run in the opposite direction.
The boys I gave chances to - real chances, I mean - are safe. Safe as in I wouldn't be irreversibly destroyed if they gave up on our relationship. It scares me to think of what it would feel like to completely let go of any logical thought I've had. To fall in love, not for safety, but pure, true love.
The boys I really do fall in love with? They're not the kind that would break my heart. They would take it, hide it, ensure I never find it again, then laugh at the tears I cry. This may not be completely true - I could be misjudging them entirely - but the majority do seem like it. I love the thrill of the unattainable.
But I want to fall. I want to fall as I've seen my friends fall. I want to feel safe in the arms of another. I want to be able to talk about my day. I want to find my other half.
I've convinced myself that love and soulmates do not exist. Or, if they do, they're not worth the trouble. But maybe the truth is that I'm scared to rely on someone because I've felt abandoned since I was five. Maybe I date the 'safe' guys because I want a relationship so badly, but I don't want to be vulnerable. Maybe I'm so broken, I need someone else to put me back together.
Does love exist?
A small part of me hopes it does.
