de colores

I already think of retiring only after three months of working facing computer all day. Dealing with things I love and hate at the same time because even though I am always discovering new problem, there is always a way to solve it. And I really love solving problems.
          
          I want this project to be successful and leave this field peacefully (I meant take a break). And please… I hope they don’t drag me down because of this. I am going take a break from it and go back to hospitality for a while. I need to lose weight too. I gained 8 kg in six months and this is not a joke. It’s… hard to accept.
          
          Ya Allah… Please ease my way… 

turned out that choosing ‘home’ might not be a good idea. my mind might wander off again. drifting away from the path I should be on. but this is the choice I made. so I’ll just need survive this for now.

Hilang dan kembali.
          
          Berbulan lamanya menghilang, ataukah mungkin sudah lebih setahun? Banyak hal terjadi, bait-bait kata yang sebelum ini lancar ditaip kini suram. Untuk menulis ketika ini juga banyak kata yang  dipadam, diubah dan diolah beberapa kali kerana idea yang dulu bagaikan air mengalir kini bagaikan memudar. 
          
          Hidup sepertinya sudah semakin beranjak ke hadapan, atau mungkin masih sama seperti dulu. Beberapa hari ini, jiwa menjadi rindu akan kemanisan masa lalu. Tiada beban fikiran yang seperti sekarang, hanya berangan dan menulis segalanya dalam bentuk cerita. Tidak lagi sama, yang dulu dan sekarang, yang sekarang dan yang akan datang, pasti akan berubah. Mungkinkah penulisan ini akan berakhir di sini? Ataukah akan berlanjut ketika minda ini bebas dari beban fikiran? Si pendosa berat ini juga tidak pasti. 
          
          Rasa yang sukar untuk dijelaskan, ke manakah perginya fikiran yang tenang dulu?

suddenly missing my mum so much and crying. I can't do anything right this week. I haven't even read any article for my dissertation. didn't even study for the midterm. I can't bring myself to do anything I should be doing. I wish I could just quit everything and live only with my mum. I don't know how could I live without her. I feel like she's getting farther away from me, I just don't know what to do anymore 

Me is stressed can't sleep hm

"You're pretty when you cry," he said with a smile. 
          
          I was speechless, but more than that I felt so humiliated, so disgusted with myself when I want to cry for him more so that he'll see me even prettier. Even though he broke me into pieces, again and again. 
          
          Why would he only look at me with that smile when I cry? Why can't he say I'm pretty when I am smiling and happy? Why does he looked so disgusted when I cried? 
          
          Why can't he love me? And why... Why do I even love someone like him... Why do I still beg for his love when all he does is hurts me... Why do human have emotion... I hate to feel... I hate everything... I hate myself

Saya setia menunggu author update chapter baru

I was crying again today, but thankfully I got an idea for new cerpen so it’s bearable. It’s been so long, I’ve been missing this feeling for a long time now. Melancholic 

      "Duit ni bukan tumbuh dari pokok, orang kerja keras tau untuk dapatkan walau sesen, bukan senang-senang nak mengemis dari orang lain." Mendengarkan bicara Rossa, Halinah hanya mampu tunduk. Hanya apabila Fathya keluar dari rumah barulah dia angkat wajah. 
          
                "Mak Nah minta diri dululah Fathya, kak Ros..." Belum sempat Fathya menghulur sampul berisi duit, Mak Nah terus berlalu pergi. 
          
                 "Mak kalau tak suka kat Mak Nah tu mak tak payahlah nak sindir dia macam tu. Mak Nah bukan nak pilih jadi begitu. Lain lagi emak umpat dia macam-macam dengan orang, bukan pahala je yang tak bertambah, malah jadi dosa." Fathya menegur emaknya dengan nada yang tegas. Emaknya itu semakin lama semakin menjadi-jadi. 
          
                  "Dah bilanya aku sindir umpat dia? Aku cakap benda betul!" Fathya ketap bibir geram. Dia tahu dia sudah berkurang ajar dengan emaknya, dan tidak peduli macamana pun dia menegur, emak tidak akan berubah. 
          
                  "Walaupun betul apa yang mak cakap, apa yang mak buat tu tetap salah mak. Mak Nah pun ada perasaan, lagipula dia bukan orang lain, dia pun keluarga kita juga." Fathya terus turun dan menyarungkan sandal untuk mengejar Mak Nah Tidak mahu makin lama di situ makin banyak dosa dia berbalah dengan ibunya. 
          
          
          new cerpen coming ~

accidentally deleted a cerpen from my collection that I am going to publish today. (╥_╥)
          
          
          _(:з」∠)_