i am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. i have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. i translate ethnic slurs for refugees, i write award-winning operas, i manage time efficiently. occasionally, i tread water for three days in a row.

i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, i can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and i cook thirty-minute cookies in twenty minutes. i am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in peru.

using only a hoe and a large glass of water, i once single-handedly defended a small village in the amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. i play bluegrass cello, i am the subject of numerous documentaries. on wednesdays, after work, i repair electrical appliances free of charge. 

i am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy eveningwear. i do not perspire. i am a private citizen, yet i receive fan mail. i have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. last summer i toured albania with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. my deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. children trust me.

i can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. i once read paradise lost, moby dick, and david copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. i know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. i have performed several covert operations for the BBC. i sleep once a week; when i do sleep, i sleep in a chair. while on holiday in australia, i successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. the laws of physics do not apply to me.