let it all out

dear john,
          
          it's insane that i, came back here? this was before you and
          until you no one has allowed me to be this unapologetically myself. you just idk im so tired i cried today because someone said i look pretty? tomorrow's eid and i didn't even remember? i'm ashamed of myself for everything i have done with you, i've lost myself bit by bit in the process of loving you and being with you i'm exhausted and i can't do this anymore. it wasn't meant to be in the first place. the sooner the better? i wish i never met you. i could never forgive myself for losing myself to you, and everything i just never want to sound like that again. you never existed to me. today onwards and i'll find some way to pretend nothing happened. i broke every promise to myself and all my morals and values in being with you and i just don't know where to start anymore i feel so sick and disgusted

hey john.
          
          everything's a blur nowadays. i loved being with you but things have changed - - no one really talks to me, not like it's a new thing, but i'm just tired and i wish i could turn back time where we were both together.
          
          i don't know. i'm still left out in the dark for the majority of the time - - i don't get the impression, not until someone unironically spills something out, and i guess i'm just so used to the whole thing?
          
          i'm happy - - sort of - - life has been giving me more stuff to play around with, but more problems come. it's a mixed bag on my end, hopefully it isn't the case for you... but i doubt any bad will come your way, life has always had your back, while leaving me behind was your best choice. 

john jane,
          
          i don’t know. i don’t have anyone to dedicate words to, at least not words about myself. but, i’m trying. i’m trying to be a nicer person. it certainly doesn’t help much when the world hasn’t been particularly nice to you too, lol. i’m trying to be more.. open? i don’t know. i don’t know, and i’m exhausted. my emotions are always swirling, well not even emotions in plural, it’s just anger. a lot of it. i should learn to keep my mouth shut, everyone says i always sound too sharp.. too bitter? that it’s almost scary to talk to me because of when i’d snap. 

to john, 
          
          i hooked jane up with a guy i’ve know all my life. i talk to him about her and her about him. when he talks about her, he’s got this wide ole smile that is the sweetest thing. she’s got butterflies. she even says she’s got butterflies. 
          
          i want butterflies.
          
          when i was with john he never gave me butterflies. i never got something exciting when i texted him or talked to him in real life. i moreso got bats. 
          
          something unpleasant. 
          
          if that makes sense? idk where i am going with this, but i just know i want butterflies. i want something that’ll want to wake me up in the morning and someone to talk to. 
          
          please give me butterflies?
          
          katy.

i think i’m becoming a fixer. jane was the fixer before, but now i just think she is the problem. i’ve never been the fixer before because i didn’t really care. now, i want us to stay together and all... i want us to stick.
          
          please stay with me
          katy.

dear john,
          
          i really want to call you right now. 
          i really fucking do. 
          
          i’m really hurting at the moment, and if i call others, i feel as if they will judge, or even be mad that i took their afternoon away from them.
          
          i’m at home with my sisters. i’m thinking about you. they are in the shower, and i don’t think i can hold it in anymore.
          
          you texted me first today, then we stopped talking. i hope i wasn’t the only one that caught that smile you gave me— or if it was real. i don’t know if it was real, i could’ve made it up. 
          
          i saw you after school, texted you saying i see you, and you didn’t respond. i know you saw it, because i saw you read it, but you didn’t really reply.
          
          maybe you’ll text me tomorrow.
          
          katy.

dear john,
          
          ayup. we never talked this much before. we were talking about an abusive relationship in our history class, and then you texted me. i smiled because you’re funny and then we got going in a conversation.
          
          1. we said that she deserved better than that crying little bitch. she’s bigger than him. 
          2. we said that when i dye my hair, you’d call me a troll. it was a joke, and funny.
          3. we got going about her. our mutual.
          4. you blamed her for being spoiled.
          5. i explained that she tried to kill herself and it hurts me and her whenever you say these things.
          6. you said you respected me.
          7. i asked why.
          8. you changed topic back to her.
          9. i ranted about the things she had done to me.
          10. you said “that’s why i respect you.”
          11. i started crying in the middle of my biology test because i heard your text come in and i new it was something good.
          12. i stopped typing, left for the next class, you saw me in the hallway.
          
          oh how i just wanted to sob in your arms. because someone gets it. someone gets me. 
          
          13. you explained that people care about me. she cares about me. our other mutual care about me. my family cared about me. my true friends cares about me. you cared about me.
          
          14. then i asked you a question.
          
          15. “are you my friend?”
          
          16. “Yes”
          
          
          i haven’t stopped thinking about you all weekend. i don’t think i like you in the way i wished i did, but i have a reformed respect for you, as you do i. i’ve sat for twenty minutes reliving our textual conversation and i actually can’t believe i opened up like that. 
          
          it’s strange. 
          
          i’ll talk for later. i have to talk to you in the real world now.
          
          katy.

dear my janes and johns <3
          
          hi, it’s katy. i got a new account. i um, am kind of confused on why my pathetic self keeps crawling back to a silly little app i’ve known for years. it’s a part of my life, and as much as my family and friends want me to leave it, i can’t. i’m glued. i’ve been sucked into this realm of stories and illnesses i’ve tried to immerse myself in- and succeeded. 
          
          uh, things have happened since i posted a message last. off topic, but i actually went through all messages i had typed two years ago, and it is almost like i remember my thought process while writing them. 
          
          but i said i love you to someone
          and i hate that i don’t feel that way anymore.
          
          back on topic: 
          
          i broke up with the guy that broke me. he’s depressed now. he never told his mom or brother about our department, so his brother found out through my teacher then he told his mom and now the entire family hates me. it was my fault in a way, but also not my fault. 
          
          i’m over him now. i think. he’s not really there anymore but he’s everywhere.
          
           i think i’ll start a new message now.
          
          katy. 

i think a way to heal is to share things that mean enough to me

hey john.
          
          
          you've definitely never crossed my mind, but it seems as if i've been crossing yours for a while. it's wild how you're still not taking no as an answer and clearly it's disappointing to know that you're still you—unfazed and still just as brazen as you were before.
          
          i don't know what to do, to be honest. you actually have been scaring me with how you've chosen to set a date without my permission (yet again) and i don't know how do i sate your hunger for me... if i succumb to you, you'd probably get more and more brazen and i don't want that.