this message may be offensive
i feel like shit for admitting this to even myself, let alone posting it online, but fuck it, this is my vent acc and its not like anybody ever check here anygay unless i announce smthg and even then its only like three people who ever respond
i miss the attention that i used to get on here, no matter how negative it was or that i got it bc my mental state was even worse than it is rn and i was trying to kms like three times a month
i almost feel like doing to destructive habits that ive somehow gotten out of just to soeed the process of my mental decline up so that people will have to either say goodbye to me or pay attention to me again
i feel so bad bc i want people to be worried about me
i want them to never know if im okay bc im so fucking fragile and unpredictable
i know its a shitty thing to want, especially bc it affects another person in a way that could really hurt them, and thats one of the reasons i havent been posting v much recently - im trying not to let myself be honest enough to worry people - but idk i just really miss when i was at my lowest point, ans food made me cry, and i would sh everyday and try to kill myself so much it became a hobby to think about my next attempt during the day
if i could just get out of this stress induced binge cycle, maybe i could start really restricting again and then the mental health spiral would finally get out of control and id be in that same place again
fuck i sound so crazy and bitchy and entitled, imagine being the fucking asshole who very well could be mentally healthy and is resisting the natural path that i was going down toward loving myself and being mentally healthy just so i can force myself to have an ed
at this point, nobody can say that my eating issues (if theyre even real issues. what if im jus pretending theyre a problem bc i want them to be?) arent my fault bc they really fucking are
i was the one who decided i wanted to stop eating so i could be thin enough and admired enough to have everyones-
