dreams_left_toe
hey guys! yeah i only have seventeen followers but for those who stuck around, thanks :)
(my apologies to those who follow me on all 3 accs bc you will be getting this 3 times)
anywyas i just wanted to give an update if anyone was still there. ive been doing miles better. ive separated myself from sites like tik tok, twitter, discord, youtube, twitch, and all other social medias, including wattpad, as well as texting, calling, and minecraft. well my parents did at first *but* when i finally took a step back, i was able to see some of the things that were causing me distress that i was initially blind to. i started communicating with my parents (they're actually not racist, mysoginistic, transphobic, homophobic and all the other discriminatiory things you can thing of. while they may not be perfect in the publics eye, they're definetly better than what i think i was making them out to be.) all of these things were making me mad at everything in the world,,, and for the right reasons. all of these issues with the world were indeed issues needed to be fixed, but my anxiety? the ocd traits in my anxiety? my adhd? idk anymore, one of my disorders, made my brain essentially go "yeah it's all ur fault, go fix it"
thus sending me into a state of overarching anxiety and depression
so i would find other people's lives to fix, wether i knew them irl or not, and my brain then was like "aha yes now that you know all their anxieties it's your problem and your problem ONLY to fix," again sending me into deeper depression
y'all see a recurring theme here?
all of this, plus the internet romanticizing my disorders (not me specifically but my disorders) made me be in a constant state of fight flight or freeze mode, and my depressed ass choose freeze, rightfully overwhelmed.
(1/2)
pmcclusky
@dreams_left_toe yay so happy for all the good things and you'll get through the not great things :D sending support
dreams_left_toe
this message may be
offensive
idk if i told y'all but i was cast as clara in the nutcracker! it was so much fun and when i tell you i was SO fkin proud of myself, i was. i got a new hyperfixtation on ballet which was fun ig? but that meant i lost my dsmp one. i still like to keep up w like ranboo and tubbo and tommy and wilbur and stuff every now and then, but it's mostly died off (kinda sadly, it was pretty fun, however reminds me of a not so great time in my life). my animal crossing phase picked up which is fun soo
anywyas on adhd meds my thoughts are like kinda organized which is cool n shit, im also on anxiety meds (that also help with ocd, depression, and some eating disorders which is swag) which also helps a lot
long story short, ive been overplanning for college even though it's miles away, im taking the act in april (WHICH I GOT A 27 ON THE UNTIMED MATH, 29 ON THE UNTIMED SCIENCE, AND A 22 ON THE TIMED READING PRACTICE TESTS WHICH IS PRETTY GOOD FOR SOMEONE WHOS TAKING ALEGEBRA I AND ENGLISH I RN) and trying to convince my parents to let me apply to the nearest perfoming arts school (which is a 45 min drive away but i don't really care) and im doing so, so much better. my anxiety and depression is mostly situational, i can actually focus in class so im getting 100s????? fr tho so proud of myself for that, we're halfway through the quarter and i have 100s (and 1 99) in every class.
unfortunately this means i want to sewerslide if i get a point off, but hey it's better idk
i have some more complex issues going on, but the theme is that im finally able to live. i can breathe. making me cry rn tbh, but i finally dont feel constantly on edge. i have days where my assignments aren't piled up sky high.
im genuinely (and generally) happy.
and i am so, so sorry if this came at the price of your relationship w me, if you know me irl or not, i promise i don't hate you and im sorry, really.
im signing off, please take care, and pleaae, take a break when you need it.
ily, ave <3
