Bel

Sometimes. Being here reminds me of a lesson I never thought I’d learn. That to gain people, you have to open yourself up in return. Not to just share, but to understand, to care.
          
          I shield myself because I’m afraid. As much as I deny it. But, the lesson remains. The memory, of everything, remains.
          
          I wish things were different. That I could’ve found the strength I’d lacked then. But. My heart needed to be elsewhere. I found people, and lost them again. 
          
          But again, again, and again- I’m just glad it happened. Just glad.

<3 you’re never as alone as you think you are. Your people will be there, when you need them, and when you don’t entirely anticipate them. But they’ll be there.

<I am my own filter. The reason you can’t get through. Like to think I hold the choice, but how can I, when I restrict my own voice?>

Often I’m stuck in my head. 
          Stuck in place-
          Looking out, looking forward and back
          Sometimes I think it’s something I lack
          But at times I know the truth
          Staring me in the face- youth
          
          Did you try to step away
          Dance from night to day
          I wanted you once
          Then never again
          As, it was a mere
          
          Moment torn and intertwined
          Dizzy with that lovely spin.
          I love you, the essence I see
          I’ll brave this blurry reality 

You know, I always come home from work achy, but part of it is my own fault. I’d rather kneel and plop down to sit than lean down. Leaning makes me dizzy lol. But kneeling and stuff makes me achy especially because I push it. Guess it’s because I’m a bit passionate about what I do, even when I’m tired. 
          
          I’ll miss the job when I leave. Miss the aches, miss the thrill. But I’ll find my passion still… moving forward.

You’re never ‘dumb’, there’s always reason behind your words, behind your actions. Never. Don’t ever consider that even a possibility.
          
          It’s never so simple. I don’t believe that it could be, how could it, when misunderstanding are so easy to fall into.

It’s often unknowingly, that life finds a way of working out in some measure.
          
          I try my best not to take it for granted. Even at the worst of times.

Sometimes, when I confuse fiction, dreams, and reality- I have to think on how perceptions are truly built in the frameworks of our minds. That it’s never so simple. Yet similarly it is? Hmm…
          
          Our reality is what we choose to make it. Whether we acknowledge that or not. 

Yeep…. And we fall straight into the lovely chaos I know 2025 will bring. Happy New Year.

Sometimes we just speak, because regardless of the details- we simply want to be listened to. 
          
          I suppose that’s human. It’s why I could never guilt me, nor you. 
          
          … I wish I could go back, often, and say thank you. To the ones nice, the ones mean, and the ones who’s real identity I could never deem. 
          
          But I’m this far, walked this long. If I spoke, they wouldn’t likely recall. Question why I’d want to prolong- never understand that to me- that just once, I’d love a little bit of closure.
          
          So, I look down at my needlework instead. Wondering in my head. Wondering when I’ll get the chance to talk and to be listened to, if just for another clear moment in time. A moment close to what I’d consider close to divine.