ahhhh i need sleep

anyways i’m gonna go read something and hope that i will feel that emotion instead of the anger and sadness i feel rn, bye bye non existent readers of what has turned into my anon diary of things no one in my life cares about 

dear father, 
          
          it’s not that i don’t understand that you struggle so much with your own mental illnesses and physical problems. it’s the fact that you don’t try and improve yourself in those areas. obviously you can’t magically heal your physical problems, but i’m sure some of them could be helped if u didn’t just sit on the couch all day. you haven’t had a job in probably 9 years, and don’t you think that maybe ur joints hurt because you haven’t used them in forever? yes, i know you struggle with depression and anxiety, but sitting on the couch all day not talking to anyone isn’t going to help that; in fact it has obviously made it worse and anyone can see that. i’m annoyed that while i’m trying and struggling to get through school with good grades, you are sitting on the couch not trying to improve yourself. it’s pisses me off to no extent that you try and tell me that the way i study is wrong and that you have the AUDACITY to punish me for being on a call while writing a paper. it pisses me off that even after talking and talking and FUCKINMH TALKINH about things, like the ways of studying that helps me, my lights off time, and i’m sure other things, you just FUCKING MAGIVALLY don’t remember talking about it. idk maybe it has something to do with the fact that you, other than maybe a few groups of 3-4 weeks at a time, haven’t been sober in the past 7 years or some shit. i used to think i could tell u things while talking to u at night but u don’t even remember the conversations in the morning. what’s the point of confessing that i need a therapist, that im struggling mentally, of being venerable  with you? there isn’t one. which is why i stopped. why i stopped showing emotion everytime you talk, why i try my best to not start conversations with you, why i gave up. the less emotion, the less i get yelled at for “talking back” and the less emotion, the less i have to connect emotionally to you whenever you yell at me. 
          
          fuck you, 
          signed: ur fucked up child ig

“why can’t you be more like brother? he didn’t talk back he just found out that if he did things without arguing life was easier” fuck you, disrespectfully
          
          it’s almost like you are trying to ruin my fantastic relationship with my brother. stop it. stop telling me to be him. stop talking to me and telling me to be your little puppy dog. stop talking shit about me and my brother whenever you think we aren’t listening. yeah bitch. i hear you whispering about how you hate that i won’t act the way you want me to, and i hear you saying ur disappointed in my brother for not “using his potential” you pushing us to be something wr aren’t is the problem, not us. it’s okay to blow off one kid as a “oh it’s just his brain and he’s not motivated enough” but when both of ur kids are the same way, maybe JUST MAYBE it isn’t us who are the problem 

anyone else suddenly feel they have no fucking control over their life because i’m old enough to be able to go places on my own but not old enough to move out so i’m stuck listening to everything people say to me and tell me to do like a little fucking puppy dog just to try and get some freedom? anyone else feel like the fucking maid of their house because their dad does jack shit and blames it on his mental illness even tho they’ve been told since a young age that they aren’t allowed to use their mental problems as an “accuse” which basically just means don’t tell people u have it because even if u say you have it it isn’t an excuse to not do things? just me? just my shitty, asshole, lazy, motherfucker for a dad?? okay cool haha

im wayyy too close to either giving myself a stick and poke, piercing my own ears, or shaving my head again for me to be mentally stable rn 
          
          like i’ve always been like “oh haha mental breakdown makes people cut their hair and stuff haha” as a joke but man i don’t think it’s a joke anymore 
           
          i’ve used temporary tattoo markers to draw all over my hand and parts of my arm, idk if i’ll get in trouble with my parents especially since i have talent show auditions this friday…. what’s my school gonna do “nooo don’t draw on urself it’s unprofessional” so is the mental illness u give everyone but u don’t care about that do u YEAH BITCH TRY ME 
          
          it’s either these temp markers or real ink and or piercings, they can deal with it 

ooo jaw update, talked to my doctor when getting a meds refill and he said i probably have TMJ and that’s i should take some ibuprofen for the pain and wear a mouth guard at night. got a cheap sports mouth guard since it’s cheaper and wore it for a few days. one night it was hurting so i took it out and set it on my pillow for me to put away when i woke up, plot twist i couldnt find it when i woke up. how tf does someone lose a FUCKING MUCH GUARD?!?!?? anyways imma clean my room some more and try and find it but i gotta find the motivation to clean first

been a while, still alive just been reading stuff on ao3 in order to give wattpad some time to have pesos arbor and finish some books 

anyways time to pretend it’s not 1 am and that i’m getting up at 5:30am 

i’m back on my posting shit no one cares about arc
          
          todays episode? my fucking jaw hurts 

question of the day: 
          
          how the hell do people cry while reading normal stuff? like the books could just be normal romance and they be crying like- WHATCHU CRYIN FOR NOTHINGS HAPPENED YET 
          
          /lh