Clair De Lune🌙

Journal 4 
          
          Kausapin na nga lang kita journal 4. Kasi ganito, nababaliw na talaga ako kaka-overthink these past few days. Hindi ko na alam saan mag uumpisa like ano bang dapat kong gawin para mapanatag 'yung utak ko. Sabi nga ni mama sa akin, ipahinga mo 'yang mata mo cellphone ka ng cellphone, pagod na pagod na yang mata mo. E ako naman, syempre eto dedma sa ganyang bagay. Like bakit ko poproblemahin di ba? Tapos maliban pa diyan, nag iisip din ako abt what my life would be after graduation kasi hindi ko na talaga maisip ano ba talaga ang life after you graduate. Kasi nasanay ka na laging nasa school. Probably, you will miss everything in there but hindi lang siguro basta na mamimiss mo lang. Siguro, patuloy magre-reminisce sa past para kang nag travel back in time. Naiisip ko pa lang, ang hirap na. Pero for me high school life is the best talaga. Kasi I've got to experience lots of things in there. Like, marami akong naging crush pero hindi ko naman naging boyfriend ni isa sa kanila. Kaya it's a wonderful experience talaga na makilala sila and maging part ng life ko. Without them, hindi magiging exciting ang buhay ko. Siguro sobrang dull and boring.  That's why, nagpapasalamat talaga ako sa kanila kasi isa sila sa memories na I will keep forever in my mind and heart. So, very thankful talaga ako to have met them. 
          
          Lalo na siguro si -- kasi nung shs ako even if di na kami nagkikita, lumalakas 'yung loob ko. Gano'n pala 'yon no? Mas lumalakas 'yung loob mo pag may crush ka kasi may inspiration ka at may motivation sa lahat ng bagay. Kaya may benefits din talaga ang pagkakaroon ng crush, kahit alam mo sa sarili mo na 'di kayo meant to be sa isa't isa. Kasi ayon nga kakasabi ko lang kanina na, namomotivate ka tapos nagkakaroon ka ng positive mindset even your day doesn't go well. 

Journal 3 
          
          Naiinis ako kapag ang baba ng tingin sa akin. Kaya ayokong pinapakita 'yung weakness ko sa iba kasi lalo lang akong naaasar. Minsan nga tinatanong ko 'yung sarili ko na what if kung matalino ako? What if kung ganyan or ganito ako? Pero tbh, nainis talaga ako nung ppc namin kasi ang daming worst na nangyari. May times na naiisip ko kung ako ba 'yung nag lead, will it not turn out like this? Kasi inaamin ko, naiiyak talaga ako that time. Nakatanggap ako ng dos when in fact, I gave it all. Siguro if walang groupings, hindi naman hahantong sa ganitong bagay. Sobrang nainis ako to the point na nasabihan ko pa si -- na sana next time, hindi na maulit. I knew that time na na-offend siya sa sinabi ko pero wala akong intention na saktan siya, kasi ang gusto ko lang naman iparating sa kanya na ayoko talagang nale-late. Never in my vocabulary or in my life na nalate ako sa pag submit ng requirements. So, 'yung anger ko talaga no'n hindi ko na matantsya kung anong level na. Mahirap talaga para sa akin ang nangyari tapos ang gusto pa nilang gawin dun sa isang activity namin sa vs, magkaroon ng peer evaluation. Kaya sobra na talaga 'yung inis ko to the max na talaga na hindi ko na mapipigilan pa. Kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na naghirap ako at ayokong humantong sa bagay na gantihan. Para sa akin, if gusto mo gumanti, wag kang mandamay ng iba kasi lahat apektado. I-confront mo siya sa bagay na ginawa niya sayo gano'n. If it hurts your feelings deeply at wala talagang kapatawaran 'yung bagay na ginawa niya then go, confront him/her. Kausapin mo siya, hindi yung apektado lahat including me. Ayoko talaga ng mindset na gano'n! Iwan kita sa ere talaga, charot! 

All my life di naman ako 'yung palabasa or palasulat. Hindi rin ako active sa class discussions, which is ayon ang naging mali ko kaya naman pinagsisihan ko. Ayoko na maging ganito lang ang takbo ng buhay ko parati kasi I know that I can do more than this. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko right now, at di ko alam kung ano ba ang mas mabuting gawin para matuto ako sa public speaking. Gusto ko talaga matuto as in. However, hindi ko alam kung paano ako matututo when I barely know some things. Hindi ko na talaga alam ano pa ang magiging takbo ng life ko saka mahihirapan din ako kapag nagkataon so as much as possible I need to start to write at least 1 per day. 
          
          Ang hirap kasi talaga mabuhay sa mundong ibabaw, hayst. Ngayon nga lang, kakatapos ko lang basahin yung book ni Bettina Carlos. Isa siyang artista sa GMA 7. Sa book niya na binasa ko, nakasulat na ro'n lahat, babasahin mo na lang charot. So here's the thing na nga, yung nakasulat doon sa book ni Bettina Carlos is about solo parenting. Si Bettina kasi, marami siyang struggles in life. At ang problema niya ay kung paano niya aalagaan 'yung anak niya in a better way since she didn't want her daughter to end up miserable. In other words, ayaw niyang lumaki 'yung anak niya na walang tatay so as much as possible, gusto niya lumaki 'yung anak niya na may maayos na pamilya. Kasi alam niya 'yung feeling na lumaki ng gano'n. As a child, she grew up in a second family and she didn't want her daughter to experience that kind of life. 

Journal 1   06/07/2024	
          
          Hi! Today, I’m going to start writing my daily journal. It will not be good as you think it is, but I hope my future self will be able to read this with a smile on her face, lol. So, here’s the thing na nga, kaya ako nag stop magsulat noon it’s because binasa ni mama yung journal ko. Hindi naman dapat ako mag stop magsulat kung hindi niya binasa. Pero that day, I regret writing my thoughts down kasi naman I feel really embarrassed but that was a long time ago na. It should not matter now, right? Well, ngayon gusto ko na ulit magsulat kasi feeling ko nahuhuli na ako sa lahat ng bagay. For instance, hindi na ako magaling sa kahit ano like napupurol na yung utak ko. Naiiyak ako kasi bakit naging ganito ako? Hindi rin ako magaling sa pagsasalita at page explain. Gusto kong may maipagmalaki ako pero what would it be if there is nothing to be proud of, right? To be honest, I really really hate myself now. Even sa recitation, naiinggit ako sa iba kasi sila may binatbat ako wala man lang kahit isa. Gusto ko makasagot directly and on point like what everyone does pero di ko alam kung paano. That’s why ang hirap talaga kapag average person ka lang. You don’t even know if you’re saying the right thing. Hindi ko na alam anong mas mabuting gawin ngayon. Nagiging stagnant na lahat ng bagay na ginagawa ko. For me, it’s really impossible na makacatch up sa mga discussions ng professor pero I’m still trying my best kaya feeling ko kaya pa naman ‘tong lusutan. Hindi ko rin kasi alam paano ang gagawin ko. Nahihirapan na ako maging mediocre every time na mapapasabak ako sa academic activity. It seems like no one wants me and I just want to give up on everything. Sobrang maging ganito lang when in fact kaya mo naman maging mahusay. Pero di pa rin ako nawawalan ng pag asa kasi one day, I will become better for doing what I really like to do. Kaya fighting!!!

To be honest, I want to defend A from them pero hindi ko alam kung papaano.That time, I felt like a coward since wala akong kapangyarihan na ipagtanggol siya. I hope, one day, I will be able to defend her kasi naaawa ako sa situation ko and pati na rin kay Alex. Bakit hindi ko naipaglaban yung kaibigan ko sa mga taong yon? Bakit hindi ko kaya? Kasi duwag at mahina ako, that's all. Sana man lang nagawa ko man lang mag speak up para sa kanya pero hindi ko talaga kaya eh. I really hate myself right parang gusto ko na lang maglaho:( 

Sorry, if I take out my anger here since I don't know if twitter is my safe place anymore. 

          First of all, walang kuwenta ang mag araL. Ang daming tinuturo pero hindi naman ma-aapply sa work. Kaya naman wag na kayong mag-araL, charot eme lang. Pero totoo naman talaga 'tong mga sinasabi ko na diploma lang naman talaga 'yung reason ko why I chose to study. Wala rin naman akong goals kung bakit ko pinili 'yung degree ko. It's really disappointing that I am saying this to all of you right now, but that is the truth. Kahit magtanong pa kayo sa iba, I'm telling what I think is right and don't judge me for being like this. Gusto ko lang naman 'tong sabihin para maging aware ang lahat. Di ko talaga maintindihan up until now kung anong purpose ng governments why they are wasting their time sa ganitong system ng education. To be honest, kaming students kasi yung nahihirapan. Ang dami nilang dinadagdag na subjects at hindi lang 'yon, naglagay pa talaga sila ng K-12 program para raw kasi we can keep up with other countries, which is wrong. For me, our country is helpless. Sa nakikita ko nga ngayon, we can't stand on our own. May maganda tayong bansa dahil mayaman tayo sa natural resources, pero pagdating sa nangyayari sa bansa natin hindi natin masolusyunan. For example, yung inflation and other issues such as west philippine sea and jeepney modernization. 'Di ba ang dami nating problema tapos nahihirapan na tayo. Mas lalo pa nila tayong pinapahirapan dahil sa pag add nila ng mga curriculum na yan.  Kaya ang masasabi ko na lang talaga, maswerte ka if may work ka after graduation kasi if wala, tambay or unemployed lang talaga ang magiging status mo. However, may good sides din naman ang pag aaral & nasa sa inyo pa rin 'yon. Don't take everthing what I said here seriously since this is only my opinion and observations. So, goodluck! 
          
          P.S. Nagrarant lang ang ferson kasi malapit na grumaduate :) 

Dear, Future P☺
          
          I want you to know that this short letter is from the past. If you get this letter, I know you are doing well now even if you are struggling to find what you really want in life. You are a brave warrior, Future P. The reality may seem tough to you, but you are strong willed. Although no one can see it, but I have seen it in you many times.
          
          I remember that whenever you have bad days, you are crying while wrapped in a blanket. It seems like you are hiding all the pain inside of it. For you, it is your sanctuary to release the pain and to feel comfort. Now, I believe that you have changed. You are not crying anymore inside the blanket. 
          
          Whatever day, date or year you may find yourself in the future, I believe you will be grateful, happy and have someone by your side. Every time you want to cry, you can cry on someone's shoulder. So, I am so very proud of what you have become, and I hope you are too. 
          
          P. S. This is just a short letter, since no words can describe how much I am proud of you as part of your past. 
          
          Sincerely, 
          Your Past

LOVE GOES BEYOND
          
          Throughout the years, we have been seeing different people from different walks of life. Some are begging for someone to love them back, some are waiting for the right person, some are lucky to find love, while some are hopeless. To put this all together, love is a complicated feeling that's been going everywhere.
          
          However, love is an interesting and wonderful thing that we can have in this world. In love, we learn how to value our family, friends, and even loved ones. We appreciate small things and are contented in life since that is how love works. Without love, life on earth would possibly become meaningless. In other words, love is a significant part of who we are as a person and how we interact with those around us. 
          
          At the end, we can say that love is like a treasure. We want more of it for ourselves. It is the source of our own satisfaction or desire. As long as there is love, we feel that everything is worthy enough to fight for and cherish.

Sana gano'n kahumorous yung makakatuluyan ko in real life