zozo

Who will find me? Who will return my wandering soul to my empty shell?

I have held out for such a long time. I wish I could disappear.

I just got my third rejection email for a job I applied for this month. Getting rejected back to back is quite depressing ngl. It makes me rewire my brain to think I'm not just good enough. 
          
          I draw. I draw as much as I can. I post. I put myself out there @uzoma_nduka, the best I can, I apply and apply, but I'm simply unwanted. What's the point of being perceived as amazing online, and getting thousands of likes on my drawings, when I can't make a profitable career out of my art?
          
          I should've just studied psychology in school. It hurts to draw now, but I still love to draw. It's the thing I know how to do best. It's me... drawing is me.
          
          I feel like an empty shell. I echo. I make the loudest sounds, but I'm clearly useless.

No one will ever understand what happened to me on that day. 

I still can't believe I tried to kill myself last year. I could have been dead by now. It feels odd to me that I'm alive, because I don't have any plans for the life that I chose to continue. I think I stopped living on that day.
          My existence now feels empty and forced.
          
          I remember when I wanted to have commissions, not because I wanted money, but because It gave me a reason to live. The more I got work to do, the more I extended my pitiful existence. I kept saying "just live", "Keep breathing till you're done with this commission", "just one more", "Endure it".
          

I'm tired of being sad

I'm tired of crying. I just wish I could feel numb

I tried killing myself today, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I want to tell people around me my struggles too. I just feel like it would be unfair to 

Whenever I mention my depression to my friends, there is this visible discomfort I feel from them. I'm not mentioning it again. 

Maybe on my birthday? But how? Can't it be painless?