failedangels

He shook his head fondly to him in return. He didn't think that it was him being 'too good', he thought that it was him just being fair.
            Although he didn't have a name for it back then, he knew it since he was thirteen that something was different with him. His male classmates were all seemingly into girls, while he... well, hid his crush on another boy. He had no idea how it was like to navigate such discoveries in your adulthood. It must have been really difficult, because as an adult, you think you're already passed the point of figuring stuff out about yourself. And, sometimes, you simply didn't want to give up on things you've established as a 'permanent truth' for yourself, for those said 'truths' gave you the necessary confidence to *live* in this world. 
            He could understand that, relying on what you know because the unknown could be dangerous. But he was one of those who found fear to be a motivator. If he was scared, he was going in the right direction. To be 'too comfortable' wasn't made for him. He kept on questioning, he kept on learning, on growing, on changing... if things remained the same about him, it wasn't because he was forcing them to. It just happened. He preferred to live his life without those 'permanent truths', so then he was truly free.
            He was glad Tom took that step towards self discovery. It took a lot of courage to see those 'truths' getting some question marks, in the end. It was a sign he was learning, changing and growing, too, just as well...
            He smiled to him as he held out his hand for him to shake, holding it gently before shaking it. "Don't worry about that. You don't have to 'make it up to me'. We are good. I promise that, too."
            
            
            // <3333

    people always seemed to find it funny to hit you where it hurt the most,  and tom had only handled that spotlight for all of five minutes.  he couldn't imagine the pressures jon and the rest of the band were under,  constantly,  because he couldn't handle it at all himself.  but he was a bodyguard for a reason,  so he knew there were a lot of pressures!  
              he looked into jon's eyes and knew it was the truth,  but he just shook his head with an incredulous expression.  "that's because you've always been too good for me,"  he muttered with a flattered smile for a moment,  like it was just a comment that was the undeniable truth no matter how much the musician would deny it.  tom knew it was true,  and he just wanted him back no matter what he'd have to do!  he was trying his best to change.  
              "alright.  we'll talk about it properly."  he held his hand out for jon to shake it with a lighthearted look on his face,  but he meant it as he looked back into jon's eyes with as much meaning as the musician had done moments ago.   "i'll make it up to you.  i promise."  
            
            /   @-SUBROSA   they aaaare  <3333  so cute 

// YESSSSSS !!!!!! love writing them, too. they're the best <333

   it made sense,  they weren't at the level they used to be.  when they could comfort each other and look at each other and know everything,  they could whisper back and forth and smile and kiss.  every answer was only half of what they wanted to say or,  maybe,  not even half.  the bodyguard nodded vaguely,  like he knew that was the only answer he was going to get these days and he had to be mature about it.  "oh.  i don't know.  i won't have anything if you aren't.  i wouldn't make you go out of your way."  
            
            /   @-HEAVYLOVE 

"Ah, you know." he shrugged. He didn't know what to say... actually— scratch that! He knew what to say, it was just... that wasn't them, anymore. There was a time he would freak out before the show, and Tom would be the only one to know. There was a time he would sing just for him— eyes locked on him, as if there was no one else watching him... the crowd of faceless people just composing the picture, but the lights were only on him. "Same old, same old." no much excitement could come from it, when his mind was settled on the writing he couldn't do. It was like... he just could sing and perform fine *if* his writing was going well. It was only then he felt relaxed and was able to enjoy the moment, the show. "Have you eaten? Would you like a drink or anything?" he knew his way to the kitchen, and there's always enough food for all the personnel working at the house, but...

  there was something intimate in the way they looked at each other after that.  knowing that both of them still loved each other,  but there was something in the way—  it was tom's fault,  really.  he couldn't maintain a relationship like this,  and he felt *extra* guilt at the idea of making him wait.  but the idea of jon finding someone else almost physically hurt him.  the unconvincing tone and movements of jon's answer made thomas want desperately to touch him,  whether he cupped his face and kissed him or something more subtle,  like a touch to his hand or his arm.  he couldn't do anything,  though,  because something was always stopping him.  "good.  that's good.  uh-—  and how are you feeling about the show in london?"  
            
            /   @-HEAVYLOVE 

   tom couldn't see beyond himself to blame anyone else,  but he had no idea what he'd say to jon if he was aware of the musician's self-blame.  would he agree,  just to create that distance?  just to try and make jon feel as bad as tom did,  even though he was already at that point.  would he comfort him?  tell him that,  yes,  he loved him too even if he hadn't said it back to him when they broke up.  if he hadn't sworn jon to secrecy about their relationship,  he could have gotten used to the idea of people knowing sooner.  if he hadn't run away from his family,  if he didn't let his father's legacy embarrass him everywhere he went,  this wouldn't have happened.  but it did,  and now they didn't feel the same way.   "thanks for asking,"  he decided,  was the best move.  it wasn't particularly emotional,  nor was he trying to say any secret message—  it was simply that.  a fleeting appreciation.  an olive branch,  before he snatched it back.  even though watching him walk away hurt like hell,  he couldn't stop watching him.  
            
            /   @-HEAVYLOVE 

The professional tone of his voice only reinforced Jon's (wrong) assumptions that the other man hated him for everything that happened. Maybe Jon was right for thinking he was the one to blame for all this, indeed, despite how he had tried to convince himself— and even Tom, at some point— that it was all on *them*: the press. It was his responsibility, after a few, but considerable number of attempts at 'living a romance' like he had a normal life! He tended to get lost in 'fairy tales' far too easily, so this is reality slapping him across the face in an attempt to make him 'wake up' for the real world. There's no such thing as loving without getting hurt, or like the 'happily ever after', especially for someone watched 24 hours of a day like him. "No..." he tried to sound like this distance didn't hurt him, lost eyes landing on the carpet under Tom's feet. "I will let you... do your thing..." he took a step back, eyeing the door from where he walked in over his shoulder, as if he couldn't help the sickness in his stomach, the necessity of running away. He. Did. This. He hurt the man he loved... so much... "Thanks," one last look at him before walking out of the room, though. "Thanks for staying."

 the tension in the air felt so unlike them,  yet this is what they'll be forever now.  every time they have to say each other's names,  or something as mundane as just looking in each other's direction,  will be awkward and scary and weird.  i used to kiss him,  tom will think,  and now he'll hardly look at me.  he could only read jon's distance as hatred,  even if it wasn't quite right—  tom was an idiot,  and he knew he had to navigate his feelings about actually being gay  (  now that everyone knew.  even his family  ),  but he knew he still loved jon.  in a lot of ways.  but instead of finding that exciting and fun,  it made him feel sick and stupid and embarrassed.  "was there anything else you wanted to talk about?"  he hated this professional tone of voice,  which he always managed to leave behind when he was with jon.  even before they were together.  now he feels like it's all he has. 
            
            /   @-HEAVYLOVE 

When she walked in... the look on his face was heartbreaking, really. She was glad that coming back with the food had managed to make him smile a little, it was a way better look on him... she didn't like to see her friends sad like that! Damn, it there was at least one way she could effectively make it better for both him and Jon! She would do it in a blink of an eye... "Of course, don't mention it."

   the good thing about feeling like you were in a dream state was that she seemed to be gone for two seconds as tom zoned out.  thinking about his ex-boyfriend.  he hated that title,  and decided suddenly that he wouldn't be using it ever again.  "it looks perfect."  he smiled when she came back,  looking from her to the food and back again.  "thanks."  
            
            /   @-VANGUARDS 

"I know," she smiled softly to him, before she exited the room. It didn't mean she was going to worry less about him, though! So, after a quick visit to the kitchen, she came back to his room with a tray— two plates and two little juice boxes, taking a seat by his side once again. Veronica placed the tray between them, with a 'ta-da' gesture afterwards. "Bon appétit!"

He had started off with a team of fifteen bodyguards. Anna and Camila left for a job opportunity in New York. André, to be with his wife and newborn girl, finding himself a less riskier job. Taylor went back to Australia because their mother got sick. It was temporary, but till then, they were out, too. Michelle and Paul were borrowed (permanently) to his sister. If Tom left, as well, he would be left with nine members in his security team. And he wouldn't be hiring anybody else— it was difficult to get over all those people, his *friends*, leaving... but he understood. Every single one that left, they had a reason to, and he was glad for the time he had them in his life. It was no different with Tom... but, at the same time, it was different. All because he knew it... he would probably never get over that particular exit.
            Jon stopped at the door and sent him a lingering look after getting his response. "Okay," he had no energy to even say that word, before he dragged his feet out of the door.
            
            
            // HEARTBREAAAAAK

   the bodyguard felt like a horrible person.  he felt bad enough when he pushed himself away from his family,  but grief and self pity blinded him—  this felt different.  they were both clearly upset about it,  and that fact should make tom want to run into jon's arms and work it out with him.  but fear pushes him away,  it might even push him to london,  because jon could find someone else.  musicians always did!  the admission of love made thomas duck his head to hide the tears that he raised his hand to wipe away,  but the hiding meant he couldn't keep looking at jon.  he couldn't stomach it. he shook his head,  glad the musician didn't try to fight it too hard,  but even  *that*  hurt like hell—  jon knew him.  in fact,  he was one of the only people right now who did.  and tom was still going to punish him for it.  "yeah.  i'll come see you.  soon."  
            
            /  @-HEAVYLOVE 

"Yeah," he said with a sniffle, before adding in an inaudible way. "Not the best for me, though. But I get it," the instability in Tom's voice was enough to shake him up, too. He wanted to say so much more, but he knew his voice would betray him. It would crack again. He would cry... again. He didn't want to. He supposed that, if he kept it together, it would make things easier for Tom. It was all he was aiming for— the guy was already dealing with a lot. And he knew how that felt like... his first time was absolutely the worst. He remembered feeling like he had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide— exposed, unsafe. After the third time and beyond, though... he became numb. Until... this time. "If the circumstances were any different..." he started, trailing off, closing his eyes to keep his emotions at bay. "I would've fought for you. For us. I would've tried, at least. Because I meant it... every time I said it. And that'll never change. I love you," he glanced at him over his shoulder. Fleeting eye contact, however, heavy with meaning. "But I have the feeling you wouldn't have wanted me to." he walked to the door, then, and stopped there for a moment. "No rush. Take your time to make your call. You're off the hook for the rest of the day. I'll be waiting to talk the professional side when you're ready."

   the way the dog greeted him was a little sweet,  and he smiled slightly before he ran off again.  that sort of energy even made tom tired,  which is funny.  maybe it was just one of those evenings.  or mornings.  whatever right now counted as.  "that'd be a bloody miracle."  tom probably could sleep all day,  but he tended to be quite disciplined with his sleep schedule due to his job.  he wouldn't want to spend his whole day off sleeping anyway.  "we'll have to spend it wisely."  
            
            /   @-HEAVYLOVE 

"He is a tiny hurricane— you're right, there's no denying that," he chuckled, watching the dog going to happily greet Tom, before it ran off. Jon *wished* he had that kind of energy! ...Perhaps he was indeed getting old for that stuff! With a fond shake of his head, he entered his room and looked at Tom. "I plan on sleeping in all morning— and perhaps, whole afternoon," he added the last bit jokingly, because he never managed to sleep that much! He just wished he could. "Kind of a day off for us both." he grinned, grabbing more comfortable clothes and taking a seat on the edge of his bed. He was exhausted to even go in the bathroom, have a shower and get changed.

   "you're full of it,"  he muttered under his breath knowingly,  still leaning into the kiss because he was weak and ridiculous and tired.  "well.  he  *is*  worth keeping an eye on,  babe."  the bodyguard watched jon give the dog some attention,  slightly awkward under the excitement of the dog.  he'd never been that good with animals in general,  he hoped they'd both understand!  "we'll both be taking it easy tomorrow,  then,  i hope?"  
            
            /   @-HEAVYLOVE 

   "if that's what it takes,  sure."  again,  clearly tom was just saying things because he believed them so strongly,  rather than because they were true.  he steadied the guy with a long look,  as if to think over his intentions—  if the band were in danger,  he didn't entirely trust him to let him try to save them.  even if tom would save them or die trying.  he didn't care about anything beyond that.  but he seemed to know a lot about this stuff,  so tom finally conceded.  "fine.  let's go."  
               
            /   @-REQUIEMS   EVIL!!!  also ur fine dwww  <3333 

// (also, sorry if it caused you a double notification. it kept on glitching for me while trying to send it <\3)

"You're telling me you're gonna venture out in the open on your own like this?" Leon inquired; his tone was calm, but it was easy to notice the disbelief behind it. The other started acting weird after seeing the flyer... someone he knew was going to the show? Someone he was supposed to protect? He did say he worked in security... was he the band's security? Well, the details didn't matter. He noticed his resolve— he wasn't going to change his mind about looking for them. Whoever it might be. "You won't be of any help for *them* if you die. We can work together. I can lead you to the extraction point afterwards."
            
            
            // emphasizing the EVIL in Resident Evil... HAHHAAHAH

   he laughed at the way jon nudged him and he swayed gently as if to tease him for the action,  still watching the musician with a thoughtful smile.  "think i'd be there for mr clarke,  actually."  tom didn't know about any of those boring old books,  but he was certain that jon would be able to convince him to do many things.  quietly.  just between them.  "think i'd be way more interested in what he has to say than any of those old people." 
            
            /   @-HEAVYLOVE 

"Ha! Would you? Become a library nerd? ...Would you be there for Mr. Shakespeare, Mr. Wilde and Mrs. Shelley, or would you be there only for the kisses, sweetheart?" he inquired him teasingly, nudging his shoulder with his own playfully. He fully believed he could get Tom hooked into literature... if he tried really hard to win that *bad boy's* heart, that is!
            
            
            // xxxxx

   tom hadn't felt this good in a long while,  he hadn't felt so at peace in manchester.  he obviously couldn't see himself coming back often,  couldn't see him moving back or visiting anyone else,  but the opportunity to show jon around was exciting.  it was a good bit of this crazy city.  "i bet you would.  i think you'd have too much of an influence over me,  actually.  it'd probably be a bit unfair.  i'd turn into a bloody library nerd."  
            
            /   @-HEAVYLOVE   <333 !!!!! 

He laughed at his response, but nodded enthusiastically. "Indeed, I will. You being careful or not, I'm bound to 'steal' your job," he grinned to him, taking one of his hands in his. "Even more now, that I have those self-defense classes under my belt," he joked, winking playfully at him.

   he pulled back to settle beside jon,  watching his face and smiling at his reply from a fairly close distance.  this felt so simple,  and thomas was grasping onto that feeling.  "i can imagine.  you're gonna steal my job off me if i'm not careful,  seeing as i'm supposed to be the literal protector."  
            
            /   @-HEAVYLOVE 

He laughed along with him, "Insane gestures, yeah," he repeated after him, nodding his head as if very much agreeing with his definition.
            "My love language? Interesting question," he never really stopped to think about that from that perspective. "Perhaps... though I tend to be a bit too protective over everyone I care about, I think— it drives my ma and sister crazy!"

It wasn't hypocritical. Tom had his reasons, it wasn't because Jon didn't know said reasons, that it wasn't valid! He had every right to be private about his life, the musician wouldn't ever hold it against him (it may seem that he did, that he did hold it against him, once— but it wasn't true. It was all part of *that night*, that regretful night... where he used all and every weapon at hand, unfairly, to try and push him away— unjustifiably).
            "Yeah? Nice," he stood up, holding out a hand to help him up, too— and, also, as an invitation for him to come with him. "You coming?"

  his nodding felt frantic,  because of course he wanted to know jon better than those stupid magazines and articles did.  he wanted to know him personally,  to look him in the eyes and be trusted with things nobody else was.   it was hypocritical,  maybe,  to be so private,  but it just felt safer.  he wanted to let go of the guilt he'd been holding onto for so long now.  he wanted to let himself feel the light that jon made him see,  somehow.  "yeah."  he agreed,  before realising he'd turned into some sort of robot that could only give half-answers somewhere along the line.  "yes,  i like that idea."  
            
            /   @-HEAVYLOVE 

He felt like he could have fainted— at every word Tom spoke, he had to resist the urge of pinching himself to know if he was dreaming, because this felt way too surreal. All that fear both of them seemed to have been feeling, just to learn that they were, both, equally, madly in love for each other? This had to be a dream! ...Although, Jon knew it, his dreams weren't ever this good...
            He nodded to him, eventually, as if snapping back to reality— that would be a privilege. "I want you to know me, too. The real me," not whatever was written periodically on a generic tabloid. He brought Tom's hand up (the one he's been holding, all this time) and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. "Should we... get ourselves another bottle, have a few more drinks?" he thought that it could help them... to ease some of the tension that followed their confessions, perhaps—