Riley Lilliwhite

I'm so damn unable to write daily on this blog thingy wow. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I might do some entries when I'm back home. I'll drive about six hours from here (Paris) to Germany (a lil town near Cologne).
          I gladly will have my RT Vlogs plus their music and stuff; so it won't be boring. Well, at least that, right?
          I'll also do roleplay (on IG) because that's literally all I do all day. Wow, I don't have a life. RIP (Rest In Pepperonis THANK YOU ELIJAH).
          So here's a little update of my life: it's still shit, I wanna die AND I really think that I might have anxiety. I researched the symptoms and yeah- I don't know. 
          I had a little panic attack in the supermarket last week where everything was covered with human. Ugh.
          Today was better though. My cousins were there and my lil cute love M. cuddled with me. Cutie-pie. I love them, although they freak me out.
          My family is still a homophobic land of mean snobs who think they'd be better than others. GREAT.
          My grandma always looks at other people with this "Oh my God how do you look?!" - look and does not even notice it. Oh whale ;-;
          I don't think I can keep my fake face on for much longer, so it could be that there soon will be a freaking out Riley (STILL PSEUDONYM AND I STILL LOVE IT) with her family around who will throw her out because she outed herself as bisexual. Hah, they actually would do that xD.
          I don't like what I am becoming, to be honest. I think I become colder and that's something I don't wanna be. I really don't want to. 
          Tomorrow will be difficult, 'cuz I will be alone with my 75 year old grandma who's a snob. YAY.
          Anyway, I still got to pack my suitcase so this will another thing my fam will hold against me for the rest of my life. Wuhu. 
          And by the way, I just noticed that I am basically doing another entry so yeah. 
          I'll do it like the last one, so when my space (2000 signs) is done I'll continue in the comments. 
          And oh that's already my time now so see ya in the comments ;P

My blog, Day 2: 12/31/2017
          It's Silvester! Says that a new year will start in less than 24 hours. I'm excited as hell! I'm still kinda down, not that like before but still. I try my best to stay clean, but it's hard when my family keeps saying that everything I do would be wrong and stupid "because I'm younger than them". Why are adults like this? Just because I am young does not mean that I have no experience, does it? Well, of course, it's something different than theirs, but I think that I can be right and they wrong. It has nothing to deal with how old you are, but that is my opinion. 
          My grand cousins are exhausting and I'll have to watch them later when we're eating and or preparing dinner for tonight, but I dunno. I really don't want to, because they are annoying. Besides, they're speaking french, fast french I cannot understand 24/7. This will be the hardest part. I wish I could stay in my rooms downstairs. Or be with my real family: my friends who are (sadly) about thousand miles away. My best friend will celebrate with her family in some kind of hall and my other one will celebrate with his friends. Then there are my last ones who'll be with their families at home and me? I have to be bored, annoyed, screamed at and other damn stupid stuff. I really don't want to be here right now. I just want to go home, hug my stuffy and sleep all day. I'm sick of being looked at like I'd be some kind of weird damn fat monster. They do stuff like that. I'm really sick of it and whenever I say something, they're just like "No, it's not meant like that." "But we only want the best for you." CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!
          I'm also tired of playing happy when I am actually not. I just want to cry, but I can't. I tried it last night when I couldn't sleep, but it didn't work. 
          I know that I have wonderful people around me. USUALLY: they're all far away from me and I can't reach them. I just wanna be hugged and understood. Is that really too much to ask? Is it?

I know it does not bother anyone but I'll use this as my personal blog from now on. If you're not okay with depression, drama, self-harm problems etc. don't read this because that's my life. 
          Day 1: 12/29/2017, Friday
          Okay, so I currently feel unwanted again, especially from the side of my family. My grandma keeps saying that we (my mom and me) are total fuck ups and shakes her head whenever we/ I say something. No matter what, tbh. Or she sighs and shakes her head and when I ask her what's up. she's saying "Nothing" and yeah. It annoys me, because when we talk after that she says that nobody would care about her. Oh whale. Plus she's homophob. THANK YOU.
          As an explanation: I'm bi (yes Emily, not only bi-romantic "anymore")  and I didn't come out to my family yet, okay, accept my mom. But she ain't a homophobic snob like my other relatives. 
          I am clean for about one month by now but I feel like I need to cut again. I'll try my best not to. I promised it to myself and to everyone else.
          Anyway, I think I will actually try this "Blog" thingy here so I can write down what moves me when I can't tell anyone else. Besides, nobody will read this accept myself so HAH this is actually pretty useless, but I'll do it anyway. It is matching with me then haha (useless and stuff ya know). 
          ANYWAY:
          This was my first entry and the next one (probably today or something because  I know that my family will freak me out when we go out) will be longer than this one and have more information about my shitty self, so you'll be up to date. 
          xx Riley

It probably won't bother anyone but I have to tell someone so I don't scream out loud:
          MY FUCKING LITTLE COUSINS ARE SCREAMING LIKE HELL AND WON'T STOP AND THAT'S FUCKING FREAKING ME OUT!
          God, I hate kids. ;-;