As a young woman, I experienced terrible things that can never leave my system. Sexually abused by men, betrayed by my best friends, not having the support that I want to feel from my friends and having insecurities pointed by others. I have trauma growing up. Hating the truth that I have these all and know that I'll have these shits throughout my life, that's why I'm scared of having a child. How can I raise a kid if I'm too shattered to fix my shits? I'm frightened that I'll use my kids as punching bags so that I can forget these things. I am in this state again were crying every night is somehow crucial so that I can alleviate what I'm feeling.
So here's what I'm thinking. Mother, being a mother is the toughest thing to do. Imagine having trauma during your teenage life and having the responsibility to your children. Because I know, all women go through these traumatic circumstances. Now I understand why my mother use to tell me to stay away from my male cousins because maybe, what I think, she was sexually abused by her cousins too or she has the same experience where she was touched inappropriately by a male without her consent. Now I understand why she told me to never trust myself too much to my best friends because she clearly told me that betrayal never came from enemies but with our friends. If I felt this way... Then there's a probability that she's crying and praying to stop the pain because it's too much and she can't really move on.
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