@fjollalbina
“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.”
“Life has been some combination of fairy-tale coincidence and joie de vivre and shocks of beauty together with some hurtful self-questioning.”
― Sylvia Plath
The more you fuck around, the more your parents have to work.
Update: i couldnt get into a public/free med school, i probably missed it because of one question. But im in Ankara. I'll try to switch to a free med school instead by keeping my grades very high. Which is hard af, i have to be in the top 3 of my class. I was so stressed that i cried to my mom "i wish i picked free dentistry instead. Everything would be much easier. I'd only focus on passing my class, i'd have fun, we'd be more comfortable, we could save up. Etc etc. And my mom told that to my dad, who had a open heart surgery 2 months ago, who was in a very dangerous state not too long ago. He said dont worry about money, just focus on your studies and look after your brothers. We have started this path, its pointless to say i wish i did this, i wish i did that. Im going to start working soon and we'll save up for next year.
He is so understanding. My mom's even more understanding. I want to make them proud. I've got this. I'll be in the top 3, if not top 1!
Breathe
I'm not in love, it's just a game we do
I tell myself I'm not that into you
But I don't wanna sleep, it's quarter after three
I really dont know what im doing with my life. I'm feeling so sentimental, lonely and lost these days. It feels so empty after the exam, it was main focus of my life for the last 4 years after all. But i dont think this is about the exam or failing it. I dont know why i started to learn French in the first place. I dont know why i wanted to get into med school so badly. I dont know why i like the wrong boys all the time. I dont know why i cant lose these expectations.
I wanted him to notice me so badly. I imagined having medical conversations with him when i was preparing for the med shcool entrance exam, even med school was partially about him. and not even once did it occur to him to ask me how my exam went. So why would it concern him if i fail or pass, what difference does it make if i speak his language or not? If i get pretty or not. I'm really tired of this. I don't wanna improve myself and get a some sort of revenge. It's shallow and i dont think i have the energy for it. I just wanna shut my mouth forever. Not French, not English; no words.
I talked to an old polyglot today, he said "learning multiple languages is just a waste of time; if you actually have 2 free hours to waste on a language; you might as well use that time more intelligibly. " He also said he study Slovenian and write regularly mourn after his Slovenian wife who passed away. This made me melancholic. When i said "im sorry for your loss" he said "please stop the nonsense." I was sorry for myself.
Diet mountain dew baby, nyc.
never was there a girl so pretty.
Do you think we'll be in love forever?
I'm not a pretty girl, and i'll probably never be as pretty as those who were born with it. I'll always be tolerable but not handsome enough to tempt a gentleman. But perhaps i'll have to find a way to live with it while trying to improve it within my limits. First rule, never rely on a man or anything else besides your own self. Heal yourself, fix your posture and confidence. Thats how you face with it, through actions not words or promises.
günler ne getirir, ne götürür bilinmez
unutma sen yalnız değilsin
unutma, sen özel de değilsin
I feel terrible for wasting my time with unimportant momentary things and risking my future. If only i studied more and guarantied my future. Things are so uncertain right now, there is a chance i can get into med school + study free which is pretty low; there is a chance i can get into dentistry and study free (which is very likely but my parents doesnt want me to become a dentist so they prefer paid medicine which is expensive af and most of these universities are located in Istanbul which is also expensive af and experts expect a massive earthquake there. I dont wanna walk straight into my death. Istanbul represents death to me and im so scared. I just hope that i can get into med school freely or the paid med schools in Ankara doesnt get even more expensive. Its so fcked up that i worry about things like this in my early 20's which should have been the most carefree times of my life. But i already have eye bags and other physical curses of anxiety. I just want to stop thinking for a month (since the results wont be out before a month) i want to start doing the things i was dreaming of when i was preparing for the exam. I want to start learning languages, exercising, dietting, watching series, reading books in multipule languages. I dont want to be stuck in these thoughts. Lets see what will time show.
give yourself the permission to grow and improve, and acknowledge that good things take time. Will you worry about things the way you do right now when you are the best version of yourself? When you are a med student, when you wear the best clothes and have the best hair, when you feel comfortable in your skin, will you worry about what he thinks of you as much as you do right now? Give yourself time, you might be in a bad situation right now, but it wont last forever
It upsets me to see him talking with others, it upsets me that he cant see how much he means to me (or worse, he sees it but doesnt care about it) He has such an awful character actually, i dont know what i see in him. He doesnt worth a dime, i was there for him in his worst.
I made a fool out of myself, repeatedly, for the tiniest bit of affection.
even though i knew i could never have the qualities that lures men into.
i lost my self respect forgetting that strangers are hell,
therefore i created the most cruel judge in my mind; hurted myself in a way no one else could.
Stole years and memories from myself.
he is playing with me like cats play with their food, he doesnt even take pleasure in vexing or delighting me; he talks with me in such a robotic way like its an annoying task he has to get done. I've seen the expression on his face while he was texting me, made me feel like im a worthless bug. He only likes the attention i give him, he never appreciates but only asks for more.
Başarılı, duygusal zekası yüksek, empati kabiliyetine sahip ve hırslı genç bir kadın olduğunu unutma. Yolda çıkan birkaç engelin seni yolundan döndürmesine izin verme. Sen bu sınavdan da, sınav hazırlığında yoluna çıkanlardan da çok daha fazlasısın. Ne yapman gerektiğini de ne yapmaman gerektiğini de çok iyi biliyorsun. Sana kendini kötü hissettirenlerden çok daha azimli ve başarılı ol, verimli ve çok çalış. Bu seneyi hakkıyla bitir ve yoluna tıp fakültesi ile devam et. Her şey gelip geçici ama kariyer asla.
j'espère qu'un jour nos destins se croisent
i hope one day this life brings you back to me.
hayatımı bir vehme kurban etmişim